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Here's a short, short story I wrote to pass the time. After writing a short story, I was looking for a challenge. I wanted to take a small isolated event and see how much story and characterization I could fit into an even smaller frame. I'll take feedback on both these lines and the full amount, if anyone wants to read it.
“Fragments of Glass” The funeral was the first time in a few years that I actually laid eyes on my father. We didn’t really talk to each other on any regular basis. All communication was either through Christmas cards or a rare birthday phone call. After what happened between him and my mother, our relationship simply wasn’t quite the same. Despite our differences, there was something inherently pathetic about not seeing your own dad for so long until you finally meet up again at his own funeral. There isn’t much a father and son can catch up on when the old man is lying in a casket.
So, not long after the funeral, I stood outside the door of that small house I lived in many years ago. It felt so strange, so much smaller than I remembered. Even the doorknob in my hand felt tiny compared to what I remembered. I guess living in the big bad world had changed my perceptions. When I entered that old house of mine, even its interior seemed significantly diminished. It actually hadn’t changed much since I was a kid.
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I have always loved these kinds of stories, and would love to read it. But there were a few things that bothered me. Probably because I do it alot.
“Fragments of Glass” The funeral was the first time in a few years that I actually laid eyes on my father. <<We didn’t really talk to each other on any regular basis. All communication was either through Christmas cards or a rare birthday phone call.>>(These sentences could easily be combined: "Our communication through the years had been reduced to the occasional Christmas card or birthday call.") After what happened between him and my mother, our relationship <<simply>> ('simply' is an overused word. the statement works well without it.) wasn’t quite the same. <<Despite our differences, there was something inherently pathetic about not seeing your own dad for so long until you finally meet up again at his own funeral.>> (Try switching this one around: Despite our differences, it was inherently pathetic to waste so much time apart, only to come together at his funeral. or "when he was gone".) There isn’t much a father and son can catch up on when the old man is lying in a casket.
So, not long after the funeral, I stood outside the door of that small house I lived in many years ago. It felt so strange, so much smaller <<than I remembered>>(We assume you remember it). Even the doorknob in my hand felt tiny compared to what <<I remembered>> (You just used this. Try something else or just cut it out from 'tiny' The next statement clarifies what you mean). I guess living in the big bad world had changed my perceptions. When I entered that old house of mine, even its interior seemed significantly diminished.(try connecting these two statements with a 'though') It actually hadn’t changed much since I was a kid.
Also 1. You only described their falling out as it related to his treatment of your mother. Yet you have a line, "Despite OUR differences". It makes me question what beef the TWO OF YOU had, all other things aside. 2. I have this problem alot, using "I remembered" or "I recalled" too much in this sort of story. Surprisingly, the reader can most often recognize when you are reminicing and you don't have to tell them all the time. Making comparisons or observations (like your "big bad world changing your perspectives') makes for a better story and impact.
Hope this was helpful. I would like to read it as well. Thanks.
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