posted
A message was being delivered to Calda Bask, but she was asleep and had been for thirty years. The computer beeped and clicked deep within its plastic neural pathways, and tried yet again to deliver the message to the 114th Regional Director of Planetograms that there was something deeply wrong with one of the Quasar Corporation‘s retail planets. Beep. Click. There was no response, just cold gentle breathing and the hum of the automatic pilot machines.
“Calda Bask,” said a pleasant electronic voice, “There is a class A Planetogram error in the approaching system.”
posted
This is cool I'm the first to read your short. I don't have any advice but just a comment. Your story, at least the first 13 lines is exactly the stuff that I've seen printed in Science Fiction & Fantasy Magazine. If I were you I'd send it to them now. But it isn't a bad idea to get a second opion I'm just eager to read the rest of it. I like the whole Planetgrams idea I think it is very original and would very much like to see more.
Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2005
|
posted
Avoid "she just woke up" openers like the plague. They have been done to death and are highly cliche'. Try to come into your story at a different spot.
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
|
posted
The passivity is encompassed by the word "was". "A message 'was'", "There 'was'". So, try to find distinct verbs that will eliminate the first use of "was", and in the case of "There was", you can drop it completely with no loss of meaning whatsoever.
posted
It's not "was" that makes it passive; it's that we have no idea who (or what) is performing the action. "Clarissa was delivering a message" is active but "A message was being delivered" is passive. Tell me who's performing the action.
quote:t's not "was" that makes it passive; it's that we have no idea who (or what) is performing the action. "Clarissa was delivering a message" is active but "A message was being delivered" is passive. Tell me who's performing the action.
Point taken. However, "Clarissa recieved a message" is much more active than "Clarissa was receiving a message".
posted
Those are just different tenses; the voice doesn't change. Hard to say which is appropriate based on only that clause, though - depends on what you're trying to say.
"Clarissa was receiving a message at the exact moment the evil robot monkeys attacked," vs "Clarissa received a message, then the evil robot monkeys attacked."
posted
Another argument about passive voice;rolleyes:
I'd like to point out that part of what makes this an interesting opening is that Calda Bask doesn't wake up or recieve this message, at least not so far. And there is no indication that she soon will.
However, the passive voice opening is rather ominous. Also, saying that the message was "being delivered" is no more accurate than saying that she recieved it. The entire point is that the message isn't being delivered.
There are some other minor nits. Your second sentance seems comical for the wrong reasons. Saying the computer "beeped" and "clicked" within its "plastic" neural paths is funny, but it doesn't quite seem like intentional humor, even though it probably is. There are also a few places where the style doesn't quite agree with me. Not errors as such, though I think you could profitably work on them a bit.
Like I said (or as said I ), this is an interesting opening. But the writing needs to be stronger before I'd feel comfortable reading more.
posted
Good idea, thank you, however, it's a necessary plot point/ongoing joke that she has to repeat everything to the computer twice.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Aug 2005
|
Printer-friendly view of this topic
), this is an interesting opening. But the writing needs to be stronger before I'd feel comfortable reading more.
