posted
Ginger spat, looking one last time at the foreboding Complex. Its angular, unadorned walls made it look like an unremarkable office building dropped inexplicably onto a rocky beach. She reflected on her luck in escaping a dreadful place that most children only left as adults. Ginger Melbrush hid in foliage just outside the shadows of the Complex whittling a replica of her father’s ship. She was a dirty child; it was hard to tell what color her skin or hair may have been. She was malnourished and small for a child of roughly nine years old. She had only vague memories of birthdays before arriving on Foster, and spending 38 years asleep in space made matters more confusing. The sisters had simply decided she was nine.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Did Ginger move after spitting or did she spit from where she was hiding in the foliage? It's interesting that she would have a definite last name, but the 'sisters' had to 'simply decide' she was nine (by the way, 'simply' is a word that should be used sparingly)? That doesn't make too much sense. We're talking about space travel and things, right? so perhaps describe the ship she is wittling, being as my first thought was to a sea faring vessel.
I liked that the name of the planet was Foster, and how that seemed to tie into the fact that she was an orphan, not that I know that for sure.
If this is from a nine year old's POV, think how she would describe the building. I'm not saying talk like a child, but talking like a college proffessor isn't doing much for the reader either.
All in all, I'm intrigued. I'd like to see where it goes and what makes her special. How hard was it to 'escape' and why would they want to keep her there? How long is it and is it up for full reading?
I'm having a hard time figuring out what you meant by that part.
So far I've been able to understand that she's just escaped from some sort of an asylum for children. But what doesn't seem to make sense is, if she's just escaped, why is she still dawdling in the shadows of the Complex, whittling replicas of her father's ship? The most logical thing would be to get as far away as possible from it, since it was so hard to get just outside of its walls. Unless she is disoriented and doesn't know what to do with her new-found freedom. In which case however, her whittling a ship still doesn't seem to fit in with everything.
I think you should perhaps go into more detail as to what the Complex is and why she wanted to escape from it. It seems as though it is going to be an important part of the story, and a little bit more description in the beginning might make things clearer.
Also, the part where you say she spent 38 years alseep in space was confusing. It took me a bit to realize that her journey to the planet Foster had taken 38 years to complete, and she had been in "hibernation" during that period. If you just explain that part a little better I don't think there will be any confusion though.
This beginning definately hooks. I like how you describe the way Ginger looks, which hints to the fact that she had been mistreated in the Complex.
posted
It certainly is up for full reading, it's about 1500 words. Thank you very much for the comments so far. Forgive me for my ignorance as this is my first series of postings here. Do I arrange to send you the rest of the story or post it here or what? Again, thank you for the feedback it's very helpful.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
In response to your question, you should email any additional text to the person who has offered to critique. You want to post the first 13 lines and ONLY the first 13 lines. The logic behind that is, in part, to protect your copyright. If you published your WIP in full, editors might reject it purely on the basis that it's been pre-published before.
You might wish to read the FAQ page about posting to the F&F forum for a more detailed explanation of the 13 line rule.
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I hope I helped out a little
