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Author Topic: Opener.. need some feedback
Noctivigant
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This opener is for a story that is 2300 words long. I'm very new to story writing. I need some feedback so I know what works/what should be changed.

###########

John peeled off the computer headset—and immediately felt his gut’s painful spasms. Tears filled his eyes, but somehow he stopped them from falling.

Oh crap. He had forgotten to eat before he plugged in.

He crawled off the mattress, holding his stomach with one hand. A fresh wave of convulsions wracked his body. He almost fell as he crawled out the doorway.

This could be bad. Visions of media coverage on his death ran through his mind: Seventeen-year old John Morne starved to death in his own house…

Stop being dramatic. He focused on crawling.

Almost there.

He reached out a hand—shaking now, nearly flat on his stomach—and pulled open the refrigerator. The first shelf held ten syringes. He grabbed one with a shuddering fist, and stabbed it clumsily into his forearm. The syringe gave a beep, and he felt a sharp pain as the substance flowed into him.

He passed out.


[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited August 31, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited August 31, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited August 31, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited September 05, 2005).]


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wbriggs
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Well, I'm hooked!

I'd skip the paragraph on visions of media coverage. If he's in really awful shape, he'll be thinking only of the moment (as I would prefer to, being the reader).

To make italics, put i in brackets to start, and /i in brackets to stop. For more info, click on UBB Code is On link, to the left when you post.


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Survivor
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On the left side of the input box for your post, you'll see some text that says

*HTML is OFF
*UBB Code is ON
[IMG] UBB Code Not Allowed!

Smilies Legend

The underlined text links to a couple of pages that explain how to do everything this board can do, and a few things it can't.

I'm a little puzzled by the fact that John would be capable of performing a gross motor action like peeling off his headset, but wouldn't feel his hunger pangs before the headset was off. It also makes no sense that he would feel hunger pangs, caused by contractions of the stomach, when he was getting his nutrition by means of injection anyway. And it makes even less sense that he would be able to get nutrition from an intra-muscular injection in his arm, which is implied.

Really, a feeding tube would seem the most obvious possible solution here. Also, an interface that didn't actually cut off his somatic responses entirely would seem reasonable, though I can see your reasons for avoiding it. Still, having someone wake up in this fashion is almost cliche by now.


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Noctivigant
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Valid points. Media visions paragraph will have to go, I guess.

I am attempting to have the nature of the technology become apparent simply by the way that it is treated/used by the characters. Not sure how well that works.

The cliche comment interests me. Novels? Short stories? Which ones/what site could I read them at?

[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited September 02, 2005).]


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Firebird
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I'm liking the basis and hook here, but there are definately some scientific continuity issues such as the ones Survivor mentioned. The Hard Sci-Fi fan in me wishes these were fixed, but the story-lover in me wants to hear the rest as soon as possible.

Not being considerably well knowledged in science, I'll leave that to others. Can't wait to hear the rest, as I said, so send it my way when you finish. Email's in my profile.


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Coolios the VII
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Reminds me of that time when i just Downloaded the world of warcraft beta.
Anyways i really liked it, please send full story to me when its done. No-Good-Names-left@hotmail.com

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Survivor
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Opening scenes where the POV character wakes up from some kind of technologically enhanced sleep, like cryo-suspension or total immersion VR (or even combinations) are quite common, and there have been a lot of them in the past few years particularly. It isn't a genre, so I can't point you to a collection or anything.

I guess that the "hook" here is supposed to be the novelty of the idea that this character is losing touch with the real world as anything other than the unpleasant place where he keeps his meat alive. It just isn't that novel to me anymore. I need more, and I need it to be solid.


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Coolios The VIII
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I changed my mind dont send it to me.
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Jaina
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I actually like the bit about the media--it's definitely something random that would cross my mind at the most inopportune moment, when I should be thinking of something infinitely more important, and make me roll my eyes at my run-away imagination.

Here's my thoughts on the syringes (and I might be totally off, it's just the first thing that popped into my mind): there is still real food around, possibly on the other shelves of his refridgerator, that he eats when he's not plugged in, because it's healthier and tastier. It's only when he's in real trouble that he has to use the syringes, or when he doesn't have a lot of time on his hands.

That's what I got out of it, anyway. Which, unfortunately, contradicts almost everything that came before me, but you can't please everyone. Just thought I'd stir things up a bit, eh?


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wbriggs
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Noct., I don't know if you've followed other threads, but . . . don't let Coolios get to you. He's trolling.
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SimonMRhees
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I like the intro. I agree with the above comments, although I'm still interested in what'll happen.
I'd love to read it.

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tchernabyelo
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wbriggs wrote:
quote:
don't let Coolios get to you. He's trolling.

Ah, but is that Coolios the VII or Coolios the VIII?


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Noctivigant
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Woot!! It's done! (2303 words)

First real story I've completed (the other ones weren't really entire stories.. though they were completed).


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Beth
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congrats on finishing!
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Paul-girtbooks
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Yes, congrats on finishing - so hows about sending it over already, why dontcha !
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Mystic
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Only 2303 words? With a wonderful opening like that and you only go that far? If you think it's done, then it's done, but it seems like the story you are setting up has many implications that could result in something much longer, especially a character so complex (trust me, if you take psychology you will see he is not just some computer geek)as being completely immersed in something to the point of forgetting all physiological needs.

By all means please send it though because I am hooked. MysticJAC10@hotmail.com

[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited September 06, 2005).]


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JRune
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Kinda reminds me of a short story I read where this guy gets so enamored of his video games that he completely ignores all his emails, doesn't log in to his messenger clients, and just plays his games for months on end, until he finally logs on and gets these floods of emails and IMs that tell him that his city is being nuked because of the zombie problem outside that he wasn't even aware existed. He looks at the time for detonation and goes outside to see the first mushroom cloud. Kinda a sad but funny story.
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autumnmuse
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I read a story very similar in setting to this. If I recall correctly, it was in one of the Writers of the Future collections, either 19 or 20, and it might have even been by our very own Eric James Stone.

I'll ask him.


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Guy Koehler
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Here are a couple of ideas for your consideration:

1] This Alien Shore, by C.S.Friedman has some wired hackers who deal realistically with the issues of being online for too long, or in the wrong environments. The relevant passages are about half-way through, after the protagonist arrives on the second space station. Snowcrash is another novel which deals with some of these scenarios.

2] When I was writing software as a living, it was not unusual for me to work for far too long without eating. I would be so fully immersed in my virtual world that I would forget time, external stimuli, anything and everything that was not directly involved with my code. If I went too long without eating, I would suddenly lose my concentration and fall out of that mental space. I at times felt dizzy, woozy, saw tiny bursts of light in my field of vision, and even felt a bit light-headed, but I never fell to my knees or felt in danger of it. Even after an all nighter playing Diablo (a computer game), or building 3d virtual worlds, there were always cookies, twinkies, hoo-hoos (think chocolate covered cake with cream filling), and all sorts of other quick fixes close at hand. I even had a small refrigerator in my office jammed with Stouffers and other quick meals to heat in my very own microwave. There might have been an apple somewhere nearby, but I wouldn't swear to it.

Good luck with your story. I hope this bit of meandering helps.


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Noctivigant
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I'll edit this story and come back for a second round of readers.

Should I put the editted version in a new post with its own 13 lines, or leave this one?

[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited September 10, 2005).]


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wordslinger
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As Guy said, junk food becomes a staple which can lead to diabetis. Maybe the syring could be full in insolin.

In a world of online junkies diabetis could be an epidimic.

Just a thought


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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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You can post your reworked 13 lines here.
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Noctivigant
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What does everybody think of this new opener?
It is a scene that happens before the opener above. It's not apparent from these lines what's happened, but the principal tells John that his family is dead. It's revealed at the start of the next paragraph, though (not shown).

I'm looking for readers for this version (2800 words). I've tried to improve the things that were pointed out to me.

Sidenote: I'm not going for an emotional reaction from the reader. I just want to show some of John's traits before continuing. If it feels like this opener is reaching for emotions that it doesn't deserve, I need to fix it.

And.. POV.. It switches back to the one used above as soon as the new opener is done (two paragraphs after the excerpt).

###

There was a knock on the classroom door. Thirty students shifted in their desks to look as the principal stepped in.

“I need to speak with John Morne outside.” He was a tall, broad-shouldered man.

John walked up from his desk in the back. The student beside John opened his mouth to speak. John motioned him to silence and walked past the principal out the door. The man followed him and shut the door behind them.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.”

* * * * *

It took four teachers to pry John off his principal. His right hand took three surgeries to repair—half the bones were replaced with plastic. The locker he smashed was... (end of line 13)

###

[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited September 13, 2005).]


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Guy Koehler
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Your hook for me is, "It took four teachers to pry John off his principal."

I'm curious, but only about 5-6 on a scale of 10. The reason for the medium interest score is because it is not immediately apparent what the SFF element is.

That it takes four trained adults to pry a student off an authority figure tells me something extraordinary just happened, but what? It's the what which catches my interest, as well as wanting to know what it is about this student that enables him such strength of will.

Question: Can you sum up in one, or at most two sentences exactly what the challenge is that your protagonist is facing? Is there a way to weave that into the first thirteen lines?

I think the lines below could use some tightening. I've taken a stab at it to show you what I mean.

----------
There was a knock on the classroom door. Thirty students shifted in their desks to look as the principal stepped in.

// could cut "shifted in their desks". It's assumed students are in their desks or at lab stations, so this phrase doesn't really add additional information or setting that isn't already implied by "principal".

// "to look" is an exceedingly weak verb. It begs the question, Look in what manner?

“I need to speak with John Morne outside.” He was a tall, broad-shouldered man.

// One could combine the first two paragraphs as, "The principal, a tall, broad-shouldered man, stepped into the classroom, and said, "I need to speak with John Morne - outside."

John walked up from his desk in the back. The student beside John opened his mouth to speak but didn’t when John raised his hand to silence the query. John walked past the principal and out the door. The principal followed him and shut the door behind them.

// I don't find interesting that a student wants to say something, or that John stalls him. It tells me nothing about the character, John or the plot. Same goes for the whole walking and following the principal outside bit. One might consider using this word count to establish at least a foreshadowing of the plot.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.”

// Excellent line. It would be far more powerful if the prior lines had established what the basic world, plot, SFF elements were, even if only a vague foreshadowing hint. Something to provide context.

* * * * *

It took four teachers to pry John off his principal. His right hand took three surgeries to repair—half the bones were replaced with plastic. The locker he smashed was...

// The first sentence is a strong emotional action. the second is possibly important depending on how the rest of the story uses it to move the characterization and denouement forward. The third feels like overkill.

Best of luck with your story. These are, of course just my random thoughts. Only you know how to best introduce and move forward your story. The true test is what the unwashed readers vote with their dollars.

Kind regards,
Guy


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wbriggs
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You're not going for emotional impact? But ... that's why I read!

I hesitate to tell you, because I don't want you to take it out , but I think you've got one, in the violence.

Suggestion: don't have the 4 adults pry John off; use another word. I pictured them with a shoehorn, and thought, oh: a principal must be some sort of device.

And, as guy said, tell us up front what John's freaked about (if the POV character knows it). Who's the POV character, anyway? We should know.


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Noctivigant
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Just to clarify a little bit: the emotional impact I really want comes at the end of the story.

I am tempted to respond more, but I will put that in the next rewrite instead.


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Beth
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good choice.

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Survivor
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Well, though they might have been "teachers" I doubt they were trained to respond to this sort of situation. Most people will try to pry an attacker off if the attacker has grappled with the victim. Really, you just want two people doing that, one getting the attacker's hands and the other putting a hold on the attacker's neck. But the one getting the hands needs to be as strong as the attacker, which can be a trick.

I'm afraid that you're not showing us much about John, since the stimulus that provokes his reaction is unknown. Anyone will attack an authority figure under the right circumstances, and anyone can smash their metacarpels by punching something hard enough(there are some people that won't do this, I'm one of them).

All we really know is that John is a student and either he or the principle was a tall, broad-shouldered man. We can guess that John is the same character from the first opening, so it seems that John spends days at a time "plugged in." We don't get that from the new opening, though.


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Noctivigant
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I'm going to go back and tweak the plot.

This story will come back to haunt the forum after I have done a few more rewrites.


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Skynyrd
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I just read your original post. If it makes a difference at this point, from one newbie to another, I'd finish it after reading what you provided. May I ask the genre? I'm guessing sci fi but not sure.

[This message has been edited by Skynyrd (edited September 18, 2005).]


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Noctivigant
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This is a SF story. Not sure what other labels apply to it. No magic and no psionic/psychic powers. Right now the setting resembles the real world very closely, except for certain changes. That may change in future.
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Vultus
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Right now it seems like you've developed a rather complex protagonist. I'd be interested in reading the rest to see if he holds up.

vultusmorta@gmail.com


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