posted
This is the beginning to a short story I'm working on... or rather, that I should be working on, but I've stalled. I don't have very much more than the first thirteen lines I'm posting here. (It's thirteen lines on my computer, but I'm in the habit of using 9pt verdana, single-spaced, when I write the initial draft.)
The last line doesn't seem quite right to me, but I think it's just because I know what's coming next, so I don't know if you guys can help any there. I'm hoping you can pick up on anything I'm doing wrong that I'm missing.
***
At first they didn’t realize what the glittering ahead of them was. Lia held the torch out before them, squinting into the darkness as they moved cautiously forward, but she couldn’t tell what it was she was seeing. “Maybe it’s some kind of animal,” she murmured to her brother, feeling a flutter of nervousness in her breast. The glittering did seem something like the reflection of light in a beast’s eyes… only there would have to be scores of beasts ahead to have so many eyes glinting in the blackness.
“I don’t think so,” Joras replied in a hushed voice. “We’d hear something, wouldn’t we? An animal would see us coming and growl—something.” Lia weighed his tone for uncertainty, but he seemed more curious than worried. She relaxed a little, letting out a quiet breath.
Joras reached his torch toward the flame of her own, setting its oil-soaked end ablaze. They had been saving his torch for when hers began to burn out, but she had to agree that the added light was welcome as they moved toward the glittering as quietly as they could. Gradually the shape up ahead began to take a more distinct form.
posted
Cut the first line, it's totally redundant. Also, you need to clarify what "they/them" will mean before you use it. Your last line is a bit odd, in the context of what has been mentioned before and in itself, "the shape...[took] distinct form". Changing it to "the glittering" (and yeah, you already used that twice even without the one I suggested cutting, so coming up with a different term would be desirable) makes that a lot more sensible.
Go ahead and mention early that they're in a cave or whatever this is.
Aside from that, it looks okay. Go ahead and set your document for 10pt, anyway.
posted
Survivor beat me to most of what I would have said.
The only thing I might add is that your first sentence would do well to lend itself to active scene, rather than narrative summary. Show one of the characters actually DOING something to help draw the reader into the scene.
posted
I have all they sympathy in the world. Maybe if you take a different part of the story, something that you already basiclly have worked out, and fill in some details. Like describe a room that they have a conversation in, or something minor. You don't have to use the details later, this just gets the juices flowing without any pressure. And it has the benifit of having you learn more about your world. Theirs not supposed to be any pressure in this, it just gets you thinking. Anyway, it works for me. Hope this helps!!!!
Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2005
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