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Here are the first 13 of a story I submitted to Writers of the Future last quarter. I suspect it didn't even make it to the quarter finals, so I thought I'd get a little bit of feedback on it and go from there. Looking for readers for the whole thing, but comments on the beginning are okay too. Thanks!
quote:Merk looked with distaste at the faintly luminescent, greenish clump on the cave floor. It looked a bit like frosting squirted from a pastry tube in a vaguely flower-like arrangement, but it didn’t smell anything like either flowers or frosting. It smelled like crap. This place sucks, he thought.
“You’re telling me that’s a starburst,” he said to his companion, Davchek. Davchek stooped over and, careful not to break the delicate starburst, scooped it into his hand, then transferred it to a small transport cube. He and Merk were both carrying sacks of empty cubes, and they were to spend the day filling them with starbursts to send topside. This was only the first day of Merk's life sentence to the caves, and he was not impressed with his new home.
Oh, some of you have read the original flash story called "Angel of Death" which is what this story evolved from. At this point the commonalities between the two are almost superficial, it has changed so much.
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Well, the truth is, it IS crap. Alien feces to be precise. But if I change it to dung does that work better?
Posts: 818 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
You're just describing a smell at this point--you don't actually have to SAY what it is. Description and metaphor might really be the order of the day here. Just my opinion. I am intruiged enough to want to read more, and I like the fact that he's a prisoner. Although oft over-used in sci-fi, at least we automatically know he's got a colorful backstory.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Aug 2005
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I read the original story, but if you have made changes, I'm willing to give it another look. Send to wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I probably don’t have time to read the whole thing but a couple of thoughts:
I think you can cut the phrase “in a vaguely flower-like arrangement.” It feels as if you’re describing the starburst twice.
I’d cut the line “This place sucks.” I like the crap gag (it’s entertainingly succinct after the more prosaic description) and think that it’s stronger than the subsequent sentence, so ending on the profanity would make the first paragraph stronger.
Minor point, but “You’re telling me that’s a starburst” is a question, so should end on a question mark.
The last two sentences feel a bit clunky. There’s a lot of information crammed into them and the last sentence carries quite a major point. Maybe there’s a way of tying the two ideas together a little more organically?
A lot of that’s criticism, but the sentence has a lot of good. The whole idea of the starburst is really great. I’d be really intrigued to find out why they’re mining them. Cool hook.
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Actually I cut the "this place sucks" line already. I noticed it ended better the other way. Thanks for pointing it out though, I hadn't thought about WHY it was better.
I'll have to brainstorm about the last two sentences. I know they are info-dumpy, but I'm not sure how else to work the info in, and it is pretty important.
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I was wondering if maybe a "...only 3456 more days of lugging this alien shit to the surface" sort of line might work. Obviously you still need to get more info in there. And that line is hideously rough. But something like that?
Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2005
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Send it along, I'd love to read it through. I haven't made up my mind about judging something on the first 13 lines yet, so I will give more comments after I read it through.
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To catch my attention, and supposedly that of a potential judge or publisher, the opening paragraph must set the tone for what to expect throughout the rest of the read. Unfortunately, so many have caught onto this trick that I personally open a potential purchase to a random page to see if the meat truly is as dense as the advertising. I've been fooled by a first paragraph, and even a first chapter, into thinking I would be held captive to the denouement. Neverless, this first paragraph must hook the reader to pull them further.
With the above in mind, here is my take on this opening.
"Merk looked... It looked... a bit like... in a vaguely... it didn’t smell anything like... It smelled like..."
All these verbs and descriptions are exceedingly weak. They beg the questions: "Looked how?" - "Like what?" As a reader, I am not interested in what they are not like, I want to know in specific detail, if at all possible from a unique and novel perspective, exactly what it is the character is experiencing. If the narrator and/or character does not care enough to be specific, how am I to become involved in their point of view, let alone their success - or obligatory failure - with the challenge?
In the second paragraph, I prefer to hear Davchek say the words, as opposed to the person listening to them tell me what he said. It's a very remote POV, resulting in my feeling remote. I want to feel as if I am part of the action, as it is happening. I want to "be" the character.
Further, "Davchek" is repeated twice, one immediately after the other, and "starburst" is repeated thrice. Repetition generally slows the movement of information from the page to the reader's mind, thus again providing an opportunity for the reader's attention to be distracted by something external of the story. While there are rare uses of repetition to create dramatic effect, I prefer rich, unique, non-repetitive descriptions and prose.
Spending the day filling sacks as part of a life sentence in a boring cave is not my idea of a challenge. I would find that boring, and thus I begin thinking of the character and their activity as boring, not the sort of challenge I want to read more of.
In closing, neither the challenge nor the language used to describe the characters and setting are strong enough to compell me to pull this off the shelf. Perhaps there is a more interesting scene further along which would better serve as the hook to get the ball rolling. Even then, the prose appears to need both tightening and more descriptive language.
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Consider changing this sentence: "It looked a bit like frosting squirted from a pastry tube in a vaguely flower-like arrangement, but it didn’t smell anything like either flowers or frosting. "
It's a bit too awkward and lengthy. The opening itself is actually interesting, and it has me wondering what's happening. Could you send me more of it?
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Autumnmuse, I believe I got your email, but I don't know your name and there was no mention of Hatrack or the name of the story , so I don't dare open it. Can you email me your name and then I'll feel comfortable opening it. Thanks.
Posts: 397 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I seem to recall that somebody wrote a story titled "Virus Attached" or something like that a while back. That must have made everyone's filters go a little crazy, neh?
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Guy, thank you so much for your comments. I felt the beginning was a little passive but I wasn't sure exactly what the problem was. Hopefully I will be able to fix it now. The rest of the story is pretty interesting, at least I think so but obviously the beginning needs to grab people as well. I'm now hoping the rest of the story doesn't have the same problems with passivity and repetition, though it is possible.
I'll be pondering what you said for awhile.
Survivor, it is okay if you want to post comments about my story, I won't get mad at you! (I'm still sorry about my reaction awhile back, I'm over it now).
Sorry about that Kickle, I've resent. Nici and Smaug, I've sent it to you.
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I just finished reading the whole story. Thanks for sending it along. Overall I really enjoyed the story. I thought that it had a very interesting plot and the characters were very believable and likable. I always like stories told from the POV of the bad guy. I also really like the names that you picked. They really fit the story well. Merk and Davchek fit perfectly, Jone seems more like a Jane, but maybe that is just some personal reference on my part. The best part of this story though was how it flowed so well. You give the readers every detail. You fill in all of the blanks for them so that they do not have to guess or think ahead about everything. Maybe too much in some places. For example, when you put this line on page 22:
Someone has to die. Someone has to pay the price. Jone.
Why not leave the “Jone” out. It would put a little bit of suspense into it and let the reader use their imagination a bit more.
I have two other small questions/ comments. On page 18, I didn’t understand this line exactly.
Or perhaps the reason that I don’t want to look at them is because they do. And on page 24, the “me” hit me strangely. It seemed out of place since you used he and him throughout most of the story.
Jone has gotten to me at last. Those eyes. I can’t bear to see myself that way. That’s the same way Korla looked at me, and I already can’t live with myself. I’ll never recover from the expression on Jone’s face at this moment. As of this moment, I am a dead man.
These are mostly just small nitpicky points. I think that the story itself has some great potential. If you are looking to add a new scene in I think that either a story that someone is telling about how the bursters came out at night once before, or another scene between Merk and Jone would fit in well.
[This message has been edited by nicidemous (edited September 10, 2005).]
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It's perfectly fine to post a critique like that here. If nicidemous had quoted the whole story, I'd have to edit the post, or maybe even delete it, but this kind of critique was what used to be posted when there were Hatrack Groups that had their own discussion areas.
Just because it hasn't been done before in Fragments and Feedback doesn't mean it can't be done.
I found it interesting to read nicidemous' comments, and they made the story sound more like something I might want to read.
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I suppose so. I was just curious. I usually restrict my comments based on having read the whole story to things pertinent to the opening itself.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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And your approach, Survivor, is fairer than nicidemous's because you only comment from what everyone else has had a chance to see. So everyone knows what you're talking about.
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I would like to thank everyone for getting back to me so quickly with your comments. I was going to sub this to OSC, but at this point I will do a re-write first. I want to remove the passive voice and perhaps increase the tension.
Without all your comments, especially those of you who read my story, I could have sent out a substandard story, so thanks again!