posted
Just an opening so far--the premise is a colony planet where they hunt land-marlin creatures that show some salient detail about a person as they die.
Fewer Genoa was going full tilt across the blazing Tier Plane. The marlin was only inches from the front of his face, its tail thrashing forward with spastic bursts, its solar radiating fins extending and contracting. He could’ve reached his hand out, if not for his rational fear of the thing’s venomous bite. Even at this high speed they could turn and snap with startling accuracy. He gunned the engines. The harpoon suddenly felt so heavy in Fewer’s hands. And where were the other hunters? The sun beat down, and as they crashed through the bracken in pursuit, small flying creatures squawked angrily. He could only see their blurred shapes go by, and the speed was worrisomely increasing. The marlin banked left and sent the car reeling on its side
posted
The first two lines are flawless. Great name, great description, great action, not a word out of place. However, I didn’t feel like the remaining sentences quite lived up to the promise of the first two.
The next two didn’t have quite the same sense of wonder of the first two. They were too grounded in the everyday. I think it’s probably a question of language. The word ‘rational’ seemed so obvious a word. Maybe just liven things up.
In the second half of the piece it just seemed odd to me that, if he had a harpoon, he didn’t just shoot the thing. He’s close enough to not miss. I’m sure there’s a reason for this, but a line of explanation would help. If it’s the fact that it could turn and bite, then maybe something about Fewer having seen a pin-cushioned marlin take a man’s leg off, or something… I’m not sure. Also the language again didn’t have quite the same natural flow as those first two amazing sentences.
All that said I think this paragraph shows amazing promise. Really cool idea. Some lovely images.
posted
Thank you. Flow is something I have to force myself to focus on. I try to get the ideas in first and then finesse it all, which is why this forum is so invaluable to me.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I have to agree with Thexmedic about the first two lines. Very nice even while being decriptive you've kept the pace fast as an action scene should be.
The third line however confussed me. He could have reached his hand out...? Why would he do that? You haven't given a reason for him to want to. Reach out and touch the marlin maybe?
Then your line about the other hunters became passive compared to the first two. The use of (and as) together really slowed the pace.
Also the line where the harpon suddenly became heavy seemed a bit awckward there. Maybe after gunning the engines the increase in speed should cause him to lurch back not make the harpoon heavy.
posted
Why is he even thinking about some of this stuff? This starts out as a good action scene, then it's almost like the scene shuts off and the thoughts start. I would try to interweive them a little better. And instead of rational where it is, I would put in something like he had an irrational urge to touch it, and knows that to do so would be deadly. I think that if you give him an irrational urge, you get the rider thinking "Why shouldn't he?" and when you explain why he can't, briefly, then you establish the danger much better.
Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2005
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