posted
Just need some feedback on this intro. The genre is fantasy. My questions are three:
-Is there a hook?
-If so, is it too obvious/obscure.
-Does the intro flow, stylistically and/or mechanically?
------------------------- Javir’s naked back hit the water harder than he had expected, driving the breath from his lungs and thrusting lances of white-hot agony into his body. The impact reminded him of falling on bedrock from ten feet, though the slight yield of the water had probably spared him a shattered spine.
The deep mere was quickly swallowing his body in its numbing embrace. It held his tense muscles in its frigid, unyielding grip like a child holds his mother’s hand while crossing treacherous ice. The burning lances were slowly overshadowed by a thousand frozen knives, all stabbing relentlessly into his flesh. Javir knew he was dying.
No air, no feeling, save the reaper's tightening grip. Even the light was failing him, falling away as he sank into the pool’s black depths.
-------------------------
Inkwell -------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 09, 2005).]
posted
There's a hook, it flows well, and it's not too obvious/obscure. The only thing that I thought didn't fit was the image of the child holding its mother's hand. That line seemed kind of tender for what's happened here. Also, instead of "even the light was failing him" consider using "even the light failed him". Just my take. I hope it helped.
Posts: 440 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I think that you could have started a little bit earlier in the action. And the metaphor usage rapidly gets way out of hand. The similies don't help much. I have to particularly agree with Smaug about the one similie.
The secondary problem with all the poetry is that I really don't know what is supposed to be real. For instance, is the mere actually alive in some sense, and really holding him with a childlike tenacity? I don't know. What about the frozen knives? The reaper? Is the substance of the pool actually black?
Since I don't know whether any of the fantastic imagery is real, I can't identify the hook, if there is one.
posted
I agree with Survivor, I feel like I missed something important. Where is he falling from, and why? And I'm not too sure why the water hurts so much--"white-hot agony" sounds fairly painful. We've all belly flopped before, and it sucks, but I'm not sure it's agony.
Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I think it depends upon the height. I was thinking that the protag had fallen from something higher than the local 3 meter platform. Am I right or not?
Posts: 440 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Valid points. Yes, the protag had fallen from a height higher than your average community pool high-dive (which I, too, have 'flopped' from). I was trying to come up with a reasonable height based on medical science (severe pain but no lasting injury), toughness of the character (or lack thereof), and a few other factors. Still deciding on exactly how high I'll make it. Higher than 3 meters, for sure.
Perhaps I should push this forward and write the scene immediately before it as the intro...how/why he just fell into a pool of impossibly cold water (in that it's not completely frozen) with 'unusual' historical and mythological properties. Think of it as a rite of passage. I think I need to incorporate that particular 'feel' into the fabric of the exposition if I'm going to make this effective.
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
Also, I just noticed a bit of censoring in my original post. I hope I didn't bungle anything too seriously, Kathleen. If so, you have my sincere apologies...though I'm not completely sure of what it is that I did (perhaps I posted too many lines?). Hmmm...and I thought I had checked that post thrice before submitting it. Blast! A nearly-perfect record ruined! Ruined I tell you!
I suppose my tendency of posting things late at night is not very smart (and obviously prone to error). Perhaps a change in lifestyle is in order.
*Goes in search of sleeping pills...*
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
I've decided to standardize the way I determine if something is 13 lines or not.
I highlight the text and copy it to my clipboard. Then I paste it into a manuscript template in MS Word, with Courier New font set at 12. Then I count the lines. If the sentence in the 13th line is only a little longer, I leave it.
Finally, I go back to the topic and delete all but the actual, MS-Word-manuscript-format-Courier-New-size-12-font 13 lines.
And I've stopped adding a note explaining why I've edited the post.
I plan to put a message area at the top of the forum that will explain this, so people will know what the 13-line standard is (among other things).
posted
Ah. Thank you for the prompt clarification. The font issue explains it, I believe. You see, I tend to type in Times New Roman without much thought on the matter. Unless, of course, I really did miscount my original 'thirteen' lines...which is possible.
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
Hmmm...a belly flop or like failed dive is painful precisely because of how it differs from falling onto a solid surface. The water moves out of your way very readily up until it's in contact with enough of your body to begin seriously slowing you down. The mechanics of this produce an effect like a really sharp slap against your skin. If you've ever tried doing a belly flop while fully clothed, the difference speaks for itself.
In a fall against rock or even sand, on the other hand, clothing doesn't make much difference at all unless it incorperates quite a bit of rigid but form fitting armor. Where water tends to spread out the impact force very evenly across the entire surface of your body (as well as reducing the impact itself by only slowing rather than stopping you), a hard surface smacks the full impact into whatever happens to be in contact.
A fall into water that put you in danger of doing even slight injury to bone and cartilage would already be doing significant damage to your internal organs because of the hydraulic shock transmission. And, to me, the burn of a bad entry into water doesn't feel anything like a skeletal injury.
Which is part of why that passage struck me as simple hyperbole. The other part had to do with the fact that he already had felt "lances of white-hot agony" being thrust into his body. In any case, I didn't think that you really meant that his spine had nearly been broken.
posted
I'm hooked -- but then, my current fantasy story starts with someone falling, as well. *grin*
Some thoughts:
-- If this is Javir's POV, I don't think he'd be reflecting on what the water reminded him of at the moment of impact.
-- Not everyone will know what a mere is, but the word tends to bring to my mind a small marshy pond -- not something you'd normally fall from a great height into.
-- I like the metaphor about the child, but I also tend to agree it's out of place here. And the lances and knifes are only helpful if the character turns out to be some sort of warrior type.
As to the effectiveness of it all: I think it works, if anything because I'm interested to see just how this person got in this situation in the first place; especially because it's cold and they have nothing on their back. It's kind of like watching a Houdini act. You don't know the magician personally, so you're morbidly curious if they'll die.
If you still want to kick it up a notch, however, give us a reason to care about this character -- or at least a way to experience his fear more directly.
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