posted
Stalking the decks of the Magalenha, Notra Turkana felt oddly at home again. The ship had long been predominantly staffed by Portuguese crew members. As culture was encouraged on board each ship of the European Unions fleet, Portuguese language and tradition flourished here. Turkana had never personally served on board the Magalenha but knew its reputation as having an entirely Portuguese crew.
It may have seemed insignificant to enemies but all EU crew members had been trained to never underestimate the value of their ships. They had been constantly reminded that just one ship in a convenient location was the key to the Viking mutiny incident.
So despite it’s size, the Magalenha was the best chace Turkana had from which to launch his Vendetta campaign against Maxal Piuntryl.
[This message has been edited by rustafarianblackpolarbear (edited September 22, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 22, 2005).]
posted
Legitimate storytelling, but I'm not hooked. I'd rather be in MC's mind, hearing his thoughts, and especially how he really feels, personally, right now. "EU should have all-Portuguese ships to improve its defense capabilities" doesn't seem like something MC would think as he walks the decks (to get to the galley? because he's bored? not, I hope, because the author couldn't think what he should be doing!). Tell exactly where he is and what he's thinking and feeling right now -- preferably with some real action occurring -- and I think this will improve the story.
I also find the thought about the EU implausible. Why would this be good for defense -- to divide the military by region? More likely that the EU is beginning to fly apart, and they made an all-Portuguese ship in a last-ditch effort to prevent secession. If I'm wrong, OK, but I'll take some convincing.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited September 22, 2005).]
posted
I feel like wbriggs – this isn’t working for me. At the moment it just feels like a big info dump. If the information is necessary to the story then you should try to work it into the action. And action is primarily what these lines are missing. You open with the word ‘stalking,’ which is an interesting word. That interests me – why is he stalking, and not walking, or pacing. I was also interested in why he was on the Magalenha when he’d never been posted there. But I wasn’t sure if I should be wondering about these things, or if my mind was just wandering. Like wbriggs says, you need to get us deeper into Notra’s head (great name btw). At the moment this opening just isn’t giving me any reason to care about him.
Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I don't think the opening needs to tell the reader quite so many times that the crew is predominantly or entirely (which?) Portuguese. Once is probably enough.
That first line is strong, but then the opening wanders off into a repetitive infodump that doesn't mean very much to the uninitiated. Who are the EU's enemies when this story is set? Why are single-nation crews the key to defeating them?
posted
I'd say mention the ethnicity of the crew once and then let it go. If it's important we'll figure that out as we go.
And I say stick me in someone's head right away. I need to care to be hooked, and so far all I'm seeing is that the crew is Portuguese. Which is lovely, but I don't know why I care. If I got to know some of the "crew" then I could understand them better. Stick me in the lunch room with them, or the "brig" , or whatever. Then I'll start to care.
posted
I think that the main problem is that the "hook" seems like a non-sequiter.
quote:EU crew members...had been constantly reminded that just one ship in a convenient location was the key to the Viking mutiny incident.
So despite it’s size, the Magalenha was the best chace Turkana had from which to launch his Vendetta campaign against Maxal Piuntryl.
The way I read this, it makes no sense at all. No matter which way I look at it, it doesn't add up. I suppose that the fact of the crew's nationally homogenous nature plays into this somehow or other, but I can't really see which side of the argument it's on because I can't make out the argument.
posted
what is MC? Thank you all for your comments but sadly I'm not very good at writing action so i probably won't be rewriting it for a while.
Posts: 136 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
oh okay, that makes sense. well it turns out i can, sortof, write action after all and this is my new try since my old one got accidentally deleted. tell me if its better than the last one and of course critique it please.
Walking the decks of Unity, Notra Turkana felt oddly at home again. The ship was clocked on Earth time, based on the exact time home in Portugal this morning. So the crew were all either on the shitter or having breakfast. Entering the breakfast hall located in the center of each ship of the fleet, Turkana saw an argument raging at a far table. He decided to sit down and listen, maybe even join in.
A pair that looked more interested in each other than they ever would be a debate seemed to notice he didn’t belong there. “Never seen you before, you new?” asked the woman. Her boyfriend watched patiently as Notra introduced himself to her. “Um yeah this is the second ship I’ve been on since I joined the fleet.”
[This message has been edited by rustafarianblackpolarbear (edited September 26, 2005).]
posted
One thing - from a cadence point of view, I'd change the title to "Once Held Dear", which has a poetic, almost elegiac flow to it, rather than "Formerly Held Dear", which stumbles over the extra syllables.
Though that may just be me.
The new version: I'm not at all happy with "all the crew were either on the shitter or having breakfast". Aside from the needless crudity, the ship may be on Portugese time, but it's a ship, and presumably has rotating watches for all important duties.
"He decided to sit down and listen" - how about just "He sat down to listen, wondering whether he should join in."
I'm guessing the conversation with the couple is going to be used to introduce Turkana. Fair enough, but it starts off realistic but horribly dull.
I'm not hooked; the only intriguing thing is why a "Portugese" ship has a name like "Unity" (give it the Portugese equivalent?) and who Notra Turkana is (Notra sounds like a cognate for "Our" in a southern European language; Turkana is, IIRC, a lake in Kenya).
posted
All that said, this is still a better opening. It's still a little disjointed in its logic. You say "Notra Turkana felt oddly at home again." Then you give a prosaic reason he might feel at home on this ship. So how is that odd?
He merely thinks about the fact that most of the crew will be having breakfast, and instantly he's transported to the entrance of the mess (you then have to backfill to tell us where the mess is located). That could be fixed easily enough by just having him think about where the mess hall would be and letting him walk there. Then the presentation makes more sense.
Ditto the "He decided", it makes it unclear whether he ever sat down, particularly as you also mention that he decided to "maybe even join in", which he doesn't seem to have actually done.
Then you have the "pair that are more interested in each other than" notice him and start asking idle questions (or rather, the woman asks idle questions and the boyfriend looks on patiently--that seems a little strange to me--like they're up to something). If they're all that interested in each other, what attraction does he hold?
Still, those are all minor problems. They add up, but all of them are fixable.
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, or whatever. Then I'll start to care.
