posted
I greatly dislike this couple of lines, but can't decide why it is wrong.
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To say that the woman in front of Anak was beautiful would be wrong. She was stunning. The gases that swirled in her cryosleep coffin made an ethereal aura around her, covering and revealing her nakedness. Long, black hair framed her perfect face. She was a goddess.
quote:To say that the woman in front of Anak was beautiful would be wrong
This doesn't match the tone of the other lines. So, it makes it stand out to me. But that's all I can come up with.
Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
It seems like you are trying to describe to us exactly what is in your head. Perhaps, you should be a little more loose with your adjectives. They are too overbearing.
Posts: 25 | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
It's just not very specific. the adjectives are beautiful, perfect, stunning. She could be any beautiful dark-haired woman - what's special about her? What makes her beautiful? What makes her different from all the other dark-haired beauties in the Victoria's Secret catalog?
Who is the POV character? What does he or she think about this beautiful woman? What is his/her attitude? What do his/her perceptions of the woman tell us about the POV character?
posted
I'll take a stab at it, though I might totally be in the wrong. Probablly if I didn't know something was "wrong" with it, I wouldn't notice. ---------------- To say [that the] woman in [front of] Anak was beautiful [would be] wrong.
The sound of this first sentence, how it read, seems a bit off kilter. I think it might be the words I put in brackets.
posted
From what I can read of this, you've got a specific image to which you want to attach an atmosphere. Try looking over your adjectives to see if you can match them better to the tone you want.
--- To say that the woman in front of Anak was beautiful would be wrong. She was stunning. ---
These two sentences contrast a lot. The first is more melodic and poetic, while the second is very blunt. Might I reccommend rewording "She was stunning." to a longer form with a different adjective? It would fit the whole 'beautiful as poetry' theme that the first line sets up. This is if you want the paragraph to flow. If a contrast is what you want, that's what you've got, but it does interrupt the flow.
[This message has been edited by Vultus (edited September 29, 2005).]
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