posted
I think I've finally figured out how to start my novel. Here goes the first 13...
Mordecai twisted the paper in his hands, his eyes bulging. As his gaze scrolled down the page, they narrowed into slivers of ice. His hands began shaking. “This… this is his final word?” asked Mordecai in a wretched whisper. The man standing before his throne nodded somberly, while looking steadfastly at the tiled floor. He started as the message came to rest at his feet, crumpled up into a small ball of paper, slightly torn. The messenger picked it up, flattened it out, folded it, and returned it to his pocket. He looked up to see Mordecai glowering with rage. “If my brother… will not see it fit to surrender…” started Mordecai, almost raving, “then I’ll see to it that his head adorns my hall!”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 04, 2005).]
posted
No, I agree, the POV is unclear. I assume it's Michael, especially as the man isn't given a name, but then you refer to the man looking up and seeing Michael's rage. So, if it's Michael's POV, you slipped up by switching for one sentence (that I noted) to the man's POV. It should only be referring to what Michael's seeing, not the man.
If it's the man's POV, give him a name right off the bat.
Either way, the POV just needs to be more clearly defined.
Otherwise, it's interesting. Though I'd like to know a little more if Michael had reasonable reasons set out to his brother or if he's just out to conquer.
[This message has been edited by ThisProteanSoul (edited October 04, 2005).]
posted
Considering that I really like the action, the emotion and the imagery I'll concentrate instead on nit picking the prose.
quote:Mordecai twisted the paper in his hands, his eyes bulging. As his gaze scrolled down the page, they narrowed into slivers of ice. His hands began shaking.
I find this a bit convoluted. I would have dropped the first reference to hands and reversed the order of the second sentence. "Mordecai twisted the paper, his eyes bulging. They narrowed... ice as his gaze scrolled..."
quote:...a wretched whisper. The man ...
This needs to be two paragraphs. They are different actions, Mordecai's and the man's. I would change "The man" to "the messenger".
I'm not sure whether I would keep the sentence you begin with "The messenger" but I would consider making "messenger" into "he" or "the man" and use it to begin yet another paragraph, shortening it and combining with the next sentence. I would think it smoother for the guy to just cram the paper in his pocket and wish he was somewhere else.
"started Mordecai, almost raving" is a bit weak. I'd have him fume instead of starting.
[This message has been edited by keldon02 (edited October 04, 2005).]
posted
First off, the POV is the messenger. I guess this is pretty hard to tell, as this is only the first thirteen lines. I guess I'll have to give him a name right away.
Thanks keldon02. That was some great advice on my oder of descritions. Upon rereading it, I also find it clunky, and some of the descriptions are weak.
Sure, I'll part that section into two paragraphs, as soon as I've found a name for the messenger.
Wait... it's been edited? Was there any inappropriate content? I think I missed something.
quote:This is the way we determine if a story fragment is 13 lines or not:
First we highlight the text and copy it to the computer clipboard. Then we paste it into a manuscript template in MS Word, with Courier New font set at 12. Then we count the lines. If the sentence in the 13th line is only a little longer, we let the text go over 13 lines.
Finally, we go back to the topic and delete all but the actual, MS-Word-manuscript-format-12-point-font 13 lines.
posted
OK, if the POV is the messenger (who we'll call Pete, for no reason at all), then you can establish this up front with "Pete watched Mordecai twist the paper in his hands." Also, since it then transpires that Mordecai is sitting on a throne, perhaps some sort of title should be involved as well - King Mordecai, Lord Mordecai, the Great And Powerful Mordecai... whatever you think conveys the right atmosphere/impression.
There's a slight adverb overdose going on - nodding sombrely, looking steadfastly (also, if Pete IS looking at teh floor, how has he seen Mordecai's lively eye action in the first paragraph?).
And what era are we in? Paper and pockets make me think we're in an era somewhat later than traditional fantasy, but there's nothing else to clue us in. Though I accept that, in 13 lines (particularly at teh start of a novel), there's a limit to the information you can and should be trying to convey.
Actually, you should just put aside some time each day and manage to read all of the things listed under 'Uncle Orson's Writing Class.' Very useful.
If this is from the POV of the messenger, Mordecai needs to always be referred to as how the man thinks of him. Not necessarily how he addresses him.. perhaps he's labeled him with the name 'Scum' but he appropriately addresses him out loud as King Mordecai. Well, unless he's speaking out loud, Mordecai will always be referred to as Scum.
However, if he honestly thinks of this king as simply Mordecai, then I'm just silly and shouldn't have said anything.
posted
Yeah, if Mordecai has a title it makes a difference to how people call him. Although if you wanna be picky not every non-Mordecai POV will use it. For instance, if he were, say, a king, chances are his daughter would call think of him as "her father" before "King Mordecai" came to her mind.
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