The day was near its end. The sun was set and the streetlights had blinked on. A car was being started. Then there was a terrible scream that came from an alley between the new sandwich shop on 3rd street and the empty retail building on 4th. A disheveled man pushed his shopping cart away from his cardboard home and hobbled over to a body lying in the grime on the ground. “Hey—get up. This is my alley,” said the street denizen. He prodded the body with his foot. “Come on now! You’re gonna’ get me kicked out of here if the cops find you drunk or dead.” He bent over to slap or shake the person and noticed that the body had long blonde hair. Then he noticed a dress and suddenly became frightened that somebody dressed so nice was in his alley and not moving. “Miss—you gotta’ get up
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 09, 2005).]
posted
My strong suggestion: pick a point of view ASAP, and stick with it. Avoid passive voice -- especially if using it conceals vital information. "A scream was heard" -> "Frank heard a scream." Give your homeless guy a name, in the first sentence.
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quote: The day was near its end. The sun was set and the streetlights had blinked on. A car was being started.
"The sun was set" is redundant. Since you've already mentioned that the day was near its end, the fact that the sun is setting is already understood. Also, I would probably combine these three sentences into something that flows a little smoother.
You mention that a scream is heard, but seem to forget about it entirely in the porceeding sentences. Follow up on the scream a little bit. The old man obviously had to have heard the scream, so show what his reactions are to it. It doesn't make sense that he isn't even giving the scream a second thought.
This has really strong hook! You've got my interest that's for sure.
posted
Yeah, and also the sun sets, we don't generally say that anyone sets it (I'm conjuring images of various gods playing vollyball with the sun).
Major ditto on the POV and passive mentions. A minor ditto on the interesting direction you're taking the story...if the homeless guy is going to turn out to be the protagonist, that is. Without the POV established, I can't really tell something like that.
On another subject, be more specific about the kind of feedback you want. Mention the genre and length of the story, even if you don't need readers. Editors and your audience will get that information up front when forming their impressions, we need the same information to give useful feedback. Those instructions are posted in the forum description for a reason.
posted
Thanks for the great feedback! The genre is thriller and it is a short story. Here is a bit more for critique if you have time!
Shoestring
The day was near its end. The streetlights had blinked on. A car was being started. Then there was a terrible scream that came from an alley between the new sandwich shop on 3rd street and the empty retail building on 4th. A disheveled man pushed his shopping cart away from his cardboard home and hobbled over to a body lying in the grime on the ground. Heyget up. This is my alley, said the street denizen. He prodded the body with his foot. Come on now! Youre gonna get me kicked out of here if the cops find you drunk or dead. He bent over to slap or shake the person and noticed that the body had long blonde hair. Then he noticed a dress and suddenly became frightened that somebody dressed so nice was in his alley and not moving. Missyou gotta get up and get outta here! Then the
Note from Kathleen: 13 lines of manuscript text (12-point courier font with 1-inch margins on 8.5x11-inch paper) please
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 03, 2006).]
posted
I'm only doing a critique of the first 13 lines since that's more the point of this forum. Here's my critique:
You start off with three short sentences. The sound that this produces in a reader's mind will be really choppy and won't resonate. The sentences have the feel of "This happens. Then this happens. Then this happens." I don't think that's necessarily an effective way of describing your scene. My first suggestion would be to draw that out more. Put some variety into the lengths of your sentences. That's one of the key steps to having good sound.
As others have mentioned, the passive is a bit uncomfortable here. You might say something more along the lines of "A car started nearby," though of course the wording is all up to you.
The description you give here in the beginning leads me to believe that I'm on an average city street. That's fine. I think that's what you were trying to get across. But to make it more interesting I would suggest looking for a way to describe the street so that it doesn't look cookie-cutter. Just point out one or two things that make this place unique. Also, most of your description is active--things that are happening on the street. It isn't bad to have those things, but you might also put some description that is more stationary and continuous. That's more a stylistic choice though I suppose.
Almost right away you put in the scream. To me this is a bit melodramatic. Personally I think you need a lot of rising action before you put in something so big.
The disheveled man doesn't seem very realistic to me. I just can't picture a real man on the street doing what he is doing. Now I think part of the problem is that I don't know him very well yet. I would suggest starting the story a little bit ealier, describing him, telling what happens from his point of view with his thoughts instead of his words. I think he'll come off a lot better if he's thinking "get out before the cops come" instead of saying it to this figure who obviously isn't hearing anything he is saying.
posted
That better be FL posting under my username or I'm going to get upset...oh wait, that was in October. Maybe I did write that. I guess I thought I was being clever about the difference between a transitive and intransitive usage there
Anyway, I still agree with the various points mentioned.
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