posted
I haven't done that much, it isn't finished yet, but here are the first 13 lines*:
Geren ran across the plain of ice, the trail of bloody footprints behind him scarring the pristine white. Even the air around him seemed pale, and the bleakly azure sky above reflected the cold world below. His feet were mostly covered with thick calluses; the parts that weren’t so tough cut open from the wear and tear. Each footstep brought a shock of pain, but he couldn’t stop, no matter what. He had to reach Movrender, or he and his people were all going to die. So he continued to sprint across the plain, stumbling occasionally, slipping often, but never ceasing. Sometimes he wanted to give up and let the Desolators have their way.
*I edited a few things. Better? Less generic? The running stays, as do the footprints.
[This message has been edited by scm288 (edited October 13, 2005).]
He's doing nothing but running for two paragraphs.
He's tired and wants to stop, but has a duty and can't. We get it. We got it the first time. This can be conveyed in a sentence or two; using two paragraphs is just lazy.
Furthermore, we know what ice looks like. We know what sky looks like, we know its cold if there is ice. Why is any other this important in the first 13?
I don't see much basis for any of your objections.
I thought he did quite an adequate job of setting the reader in the scene and introducing conflict.
My objections are nitpicks, really. This sentence, IE...
quote:Feet were mostly covered with thick calluses; the parts that weren’t so tough burst open from the wear and tear.
...makes me wonder if there are more feet than just Geren's involved. I don't think so. The rest of the fragment gives me no indication that there is anyone involved here except Geren. Simple fix. Just 'His feet...'
The last line didn't convince me that it was needed. It starts to get redundant at that point, IMO. But really ONLY at that point. Before that, something important in introduced in each sentence.
Sentence one: Geren, and setting. Sentence two: Adds to the mood, and further sets the scene. I don't think I could have had such a strong mental picture without it. Sentence three: The reason for the bloody footprints. Sentence four: The result of of the injury to his feet and the first hint at the core of the conflict. Sentence five: More on the conflict and a goal he has to reach. Sentence six: More to scene setting and to characterization. Sentence seven: Introduces the 'bad guys.'
I don't know. I kind of thought the progression was smooth and well done, and that the information given was pertinent and nicely handled.
posted
"Each footstep brought a shock of pain, but he couldn’t stop, no matter what"
You could probably just mash the second paragraph up into their by saying "no matter what, even if often felt like falling flat on his face and letting the Desolators tear apart his family and neighbors."
Agree with the "His feet" bit.
I don't think you really described the ice and sky, so on, as much as SB says. Only two sentences, and they gave nothing but essentials. You simply set the scene, stated it was in the cold and ice. I really like the image of the white ice with a trail of bloody footprints. It's a striking one.
Besides, you used my name to describe the sky. Azure. C'mon, you get automatic points for that!
posted
I disagree with Bird's opinion (and unnecessary tartness). The description of the air and sky let us know the weather, it's clear not stormy. I read ice and that means cold, but I don't know if there is a blizzard, or even rain. (And, to me, that's important because we then know those bloody footprints will be around and visible for a while, which makes him traceable.) I don't see anything wrong with setting the scene in the first 13.
The part that lost me a little is when you say he had to reach the gods in time and save his people. Maybe I'm jaded, but that seems a little generic, or even cliche, ot me. I think it might benefit from specific details of where he is trying to go (like Mt. Olympus) and the exact nature of the event that will kill his people (like plague-spreading toads).
posted
I'd make it snow, not ice; or else explain to us why he can run without slipping. (We Southerners aren't too sure.)
I agree that going to get the gods to save the people seems generic.
Paragraph 2: I'd like something with either specific incidents ("This happened," not "Sometimes this happened"), or bare summary. Probably the specific incidents, unless they're boring. "It occurred to him what a relief it would be to fall, to let the Desolators take his people, if only he could stop running and rest."
But maybe this is too much running, and should be summarized. Or maybe this isn't the time to start the story. Hard to say.
Very hook-y.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited October 13, 2005).]
posted
I'm going to agree with "pacing", but for slightly different reasons. I think that you're POV is flawed here. Geren can't see the bloody footprints he's leaving behind him, and even if he could, it doesn't matter. He isn't going to bleed to death from cuts to his feet, not while he's running barefoot across ice and snow. And it isn't the pain/shock of it, not after the first few steps. It's the numbness.
Or something like that. You can call it different things. The important thing is that this just doesn't evoke a feeling of reality. In addition to the...Gad, I'm giving myself a flashback. I'd laughed about it so many times I'd forgotton how miserable it really was at the time.
Well...I'm now better prepared to write certain parts of my upcoming novel. So that's good.
Anyway, you're description needs to make the reader feel the cold, and it doesn't.
There are some little wordcraft issues too. Like "bleakly azure" and "burst open" (that might be more of an imagery problem). I also didn't like "Desolators", it seemed weak. And "tear apart his family and neighbors" implies separation from one another, not from their constituent organs or whatever you're trying to say there.
The main thing is that we need to feel the cold, if you're making such a big deal out of it.
posted
I must say, bird's always on the tart side; I guess I just adjust for it automatically, just as I always adjust for the way bird always writes in present tense. Not worth getting flustered about, IMO.
posted
wbriggs: About the slipping, it says in the second paragraph that he "slips often".
Running stays--the story shows how he gets really, really tired.
Survivor: All right, I know that the bloody footprints don't fit the POV. But they serve as a nice hook, and I'm keeping that.
How do I have Geren feel the cold? Say that he's shivering? That he's getting numb? I don't think I'd be worrying about the cold if my family and friends were about to be obliterated.
posted
I'm surprised I didn't notice that the first time, but bare feet on ice and snow would be numb, even if bleeding. Even with good footwear, I've had my feet completely numb a couple times in the snow and ice. It's a weird, awkward feeling, like walking on stumps or wooden feet.
Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged |
scm288
unregistered
posted
Good point. I had made the feet become numb later on, but I think I'll have him start running with numb feet now.
IP: Logged |
It isn't just the lack of surface feeling in your feet, though. Trying to do something when you're really cold...severe cold saps your endurance and willpower in a way that just has to come through the POV. You don't want to give up "sometimes", the very idea of giving up has no meaning. You wouldn't even know what it was you were giving up on. You might remember that giving up means death, but you can't find the energy to care. You can feel the amputation of your limbs already, it's horrible, but you could get used to it. The current opening doesn't express any of that kind of feeling.
posted
I don't see the bloody footprints as a POV problem. If he's afraid of being chased, he's going to look behind him once in a while. He'd see the trail of blood wouldn't he? I'd also think he'd be worried about the bad guys following it.
Posts: 1672 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, he could look back and think about something like that. He doesn't in the current text, but that's not really the problem.
Some of the changes in the last version are good in themselves, but overall the opening still just doesn't sell me on the idea that this guy is running barefoot through snow for any significant distance.
posted
The feel I get from this is that you're trying to split the POV a little. We start kinda high up looking down on the footprints, remote from the character. Then we're in his head hearing his thoughts, which is kind of abrupt.
I don't have a big problem with that, but if I do it I like to have a trigger - something that refocusses our attention on the character so we can comfortably zoom in.
I liked the footprints too. "Scar" might not be the best word. I'd use an ice pick to scar ice, not blood. "Scar" is dramatic though - I might be nitpicking.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
C'mon, you get automatic points for that!
