posted
Okay, this one is the one I'm currently working on. It's a novel, Young Adult but not crappy Young Adult, if you get my drift. Currently I'm on Chapter Four. I'm having fun writing it, but again, I don't know if it's working. If anybody wants a peek, I'd appreciate it. I can mail all of it that's ready (minus Chapter Four, as of this writing), or I could send it chapter by chapter.
Here's the first 13 or so from the prologue:
Prologue
Oily Can Do is Steal
Oily Kepner was a pretty bad sort of guy. He knew it too. I mean, he wasn't the worst, but he was pretty bad. His real name was Oliver, but he wasn't having any of that. 'Oily' was close enough and much nastier. Who'd be intimidated by an'Oliver'? Nobody, that's who. He was nobody's literary orphan boy. He was Oily Kepner, thief extraordinaire. 'Oily' as a name might not be much better than 'Ollie' or 'Oliver', but when you're famous people forget how odd your name is. When was the last time you ran screaming from an'Arnold' or a 'Clint'? Have you ever cried out in terror, "Please don't hurt me, Sylvester!" See what I mean? You've got to earn your name.
posted
Oily Kepner was a pretty bad sort of guy. He knew it[,] too. I mean, he wasn't the worst, but he was pretty bad. His real name was Oliver, but he wasn't having any of that. 'Oily' was close enough and much nastier. Who'd be intimidated by an[need a space here#] 'Oliver'? Nobody, that's who. He was nobody's literary orphan boy. (I don't understand what that is supposed to mean. I'd get rid of that entire sentence) He was Oily Kepner, thief extraordinaire. (How old is your audience? Extraordinaire would be good for older kids; not for younger ones.) 'Oily' as a name might not be much better than 'Ollie' or 'Oliver', but when you're famous people forget how odd your name is. When was the last time you ran screaming from an'Arnold' or a 'Clint'? Have you ever cried out in terror, "Please don't hurt me, Sylvester!" See what I mean? You've got to earn your name.I'm not sure this analogy is coming across the way you intended. My thoughts are: these people are all actors who have built a reputation of being intimidating. So when you use these names in this connection, my response is: "Huh? But these ARE guys (or at least their movie personas) you would run screaming from." My personal opinion is the comments about Clint, Arnold and Sylvester weaken the point you are trying to make, and your fragment would be stronger if you just ended it with "You've got to earn your name." THAT is a powerful thought.
Overall, I think there is a promise of a hook here. The writing is a wee bit foggy, but I can allow for style. I would keep reading more to learn how a person earns their name.
* No prologue unless absolutely necessary. * I'm ok with a little of this exposition (because it's funny), but I'll want a POV character real soon. See if there's anything you can cut, too, w/o changing the meaning. As in: Not the worst, but still pretty bad. -- I think this could be cut.
posted
I think it needs to be cleaned up a little, to make it smooth and polished. It'll work if it feels smooth and polished. I enjoyed the characterization and introduction. The name itself gives Oily a certain feel, and the narrator builds on that.
I did think you spent a little too much time on the name, though. It all works, but it felt a little too much all front-loaded like that. If you have some action, setting or POV you can sprinkle in there from a latter paragraph, I would do so, if possible.
I also noticed the names, the Oliver Twist, Arnold, Clint and Sylvester. It got my attention, in the sense that I didn't agree with the narrator (and that's not always bad). What I would want next is some explanation. Does the narrator know who Arnold Schwarzenegger (is that spelled right?) Clint Eastwood and Sylvester Stallone are, or is that an out-of-POV play? Does he know them, but has a particular disdain for those 'wusses'?
posted
You might of have been trying to get this, but the tone of vioce sounds very 'grandmotherly.' Not like a tough guy on the streets: kind of depressed, angry, real to the point and psyco. As a young adult that kind of puts me off a little. If you were trying to get that 'grandmotherly' feel that's cool. I was just wondering if you knew that.
And something you might find interesting: Two guys at my old highschool, Tim and Chaz, thought it the funniest thing to go to BN and steal some books. Then they threw those books at a police car, then were arrested the next day at school. They also like throwing things off of over passes. Tim is a cuddly bear with spikes and loves to read. His favorite books: The Giver and S. E. Hinton's novels.
Just thought it would help.
[This message has been edited by Brecca's Sister (edited October 14, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Brecca's Sister (edited October 14, 2005).]
posted
Yep, the narrator knows who they are. That's the point he's trying to make. Each of those guys had to earn their names. Oily's got to earn his. I begin to explain how in the next paragraph. The narrator feels kinda parental to the main character (who isn't Oily), which is where that grandmotherly feel comes from.
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