posted
Took some good advice, fought the urge to explain myself, changed the lines, and here they are...
It was quiet when the sun set in Humphrey, Texas, where people sat and pondered the day and found their minds wandering to the time when Christ comes back and the entire world is bathed in righteousness and blood. He wouldn’t come, not today. Children would break the hopelessness of watching the sky with childish games and misbehavior requiring the familiar whistle of a shrub switch. Piety and his father, Mack D, would be coming home from the fields soon. They dread coming back, everyone does. This town takes, it steals, and it drains and gives nothing in return. At night, you can almost feel it breathing on you as it rapes your spirit... you can almost smell the alcohol on it buildings, and the blood on its streets.
posted
Well, this is definitely an improvement on the previous version posted. I have two problems with it, though. The first is that I find it too vague. I can't figure out what is going on in the story still, nor do I find any character to latch on to and identify with. It makes it harder for me to care about continuing to read the story, to be honest.
The second problem I have is the tense. Maybe it's just me, but I'm finding that the mostly present tense it's written in is putting me off, though I'll admit that I rarely read present tense stories. And I say "mostly present tense" becuase you have past tense in your first sentence and in the third-to-last sentence, you have another tense, looks like future to me. I find in my own writing and that of many people I read for, tense is one of the things that often gets muddied.
Anyways, I do like the very rich feel of it. It's very vivid it the imagery, though not over the top with the language this time (which is why I prefer this version). And thank you for not arguing or explaining and instead looking at what you wrote and working on it. It's a mature reaction and I commend you for it.
posted
You have some tense errors. I rather love present tense, so that's not an issue with me, but you mix it up awkwardly so that you can't tell if this is happening now or happened already.
posted
There is a strong sense of vampirism. Blood. Draining. Well done on the flavoring.
Clean up the tense. Identify a POV, seeing a story through a character is far more immersive. Unfortunately it cant be Piety or Mack with the current start.
posted
The present tense is appropriate to describe an ongoing/reccuring event, like the way things happen (not happened, as they haven't stopped happening) in Humphrey at sunset. The use of past and future and perfect and all that seemed right to me as well, though keeping track of them might be hard for readers.
I like this, the somewhat casual attitude of the narrator combined with the lyric voice and dark content. I presume that the narrator might be a close relative of Piety, perhaps his mother or wife, or maybe just a close friend. It sounds like first person, though the narrator has not yet made any self reference. The unconventional manner may be a disadvantage, but I still like it.
Are you looking for feedback on more than just the opening, and if so how long is your current text (I recall that you mentioned it was vampire fiction)?
posted
I would agree, the dread is vague enough I don't trust that the town is dreadful. Maybe the narrator is just depressed. But who's the narrator? Given that I have the question of whether the description is accurate, I want to know.
OSC says the 1st paragraph is free (I think he means in terms of POV), so it's surely OK to not ID the POV char right now, except . . . I want it anyway. Especially with this much attitude.
How about:
Piety dreaded coming back into town. Who didn't? Humphrey, Texas, was a place . . .
...and convince me it's Piety's thoughts. (Might pick a more clearly male name, too, although I get that you want religious overtones.)
posted
I agree with the comments about tense and POV.
Towards the end I was a little unsure about the word rape. The sense I got from the surrounding description was a slow, suffocation or draining. Rape seems to break that with 'sudden and violent'. This might be good, if this is the effect you want. I just thought I'd mention it in case it isn't.
posted
Oh...you posted this twice. Well, just ignore what I said in the other thread then. This is better, clearer.
Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Ugh. One thing. Is Keisha and Keyanna the name of characters in the book?
Always avoid characters with the same first letter for a name. Let alone that those two particular names are similar in length, both have k, e, a... A reader glances at names, and can very, very easily get two characters with names like that mixed up.
posted
It is interesting to see the piece clarified this way and additional information included.
You have maintained the same feel as the previous piece but we have now got a character to zoom in on.
At first I thought Piety was some personified quality and not a name, somehow 'piety' was walking with someone. I don't know whether others had a similar moment of confusion and I don't know what to do to fix it, or even if it needs fixing. Maybe 'Piety D and his father Mack' in the first instance may help.
Other than those minor things, I would certainly turn the page.
I would also encourage you to only change things if you agree with the suggestions and it helps your story along. You'll get a lot of advice 'round here and sometimes some of these openings can wind up with 'too many cooks.'
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited October 16, 2005).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
