posted
Any feedback or comments on this opening are welcome. The whole piece is only about 950 Words. ______________________________
The black lights are casting this chill glow on the crowd. The strobes are pulsing. The speakers are bathing the club in base-heavy tribal electronica, all drums and fractal bleeps. In the middle of the dance floor, classic beauty in a black skirt sucks in male euphoria like a sponge. I sit at the bar, observing, half finished Long Island Ice tea in hand; my third tonight. No buzz, but it’s early yet.
posted
It's an intriguing title, and the setting of mood at the beginning is pretty effective (I'd go with bass-heavy, not base-heavy, but maybe that's a UK/American English difference that I'm not familiar with).
However, there's no real hint (other than from the title) of where the story is going to go. Given the length and title, I'd probably read on, at least a little more.
posted
Not bad. I got the feel of the club right away. I can't see 'classic beauty' though. If this is a hypocritical scumbag you've got a perfect opportunity to describe this woman and show how your character feels about women at the same time.
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posted
I'm uninterested. The dense writing is pleasant, but not enough to hook me. Maybe it's just me.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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I had another question that I forgot to ask in the initial post. The piece if written in present tense. Is that generally considered a no no? It's just something I wrote a couple years ago in college between classes. I'd like to knock it into the best shape possible; just because.
tchernabyelo, I'd be happy to send you the whole thing; and would appreciate any feedback you'd be willing to give.
wbriggs, can you please explain what you meant by dense writting?
[This message has been edited by Dan James O'Sullivan (edited October 19, 2005).]
posted
A lot of people really dislike present tense. Past tense is pretty invisible; no one will object if you use it. But you do risk objections if you use present. If it is not done very well, it tends to have an "ooh, look at me, I'm so arty" feel to it and gets in the way.
posted
Present tense has to be done well if you do it. Maybe you naturally have the present tense narrative voice, most people don't. I would suspect that writing in present tense it is especially important to avoid passive voice.
But generally I agree with the statement that any tense is fine if its done well.
posted
If this story has no major action aside from the narrator sitting at the bar and observing things, present tense is fine. The more action, the harder it gets, and if you have major scene changes and stuff it really becomes a liability.
It didn't pull me, but just because I found the subject matter unspeakably dull and dreary. That might work well as a sort of malaise ennui setting for some people, but I simply didn't like it.
posted
Pass it along; I'll try and get round to it within the next week (if I promise anything shorter, I may disappoint you, so I like to give myself a bit of leeway).
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