posted
The entire story is told, as if reading from a kids journal. I'm nearly done with it, and it will be around 17,000 words, so don't expect to start seeing sci-fi or fantasy in these thirteen lines.
I hope my mom won't miss this journal. She bought a bunch of them at Borders for half price for some friends, and had some extra. I hope she just believes she miscounted when looking at the pile. The last thing I want is my little brother bursting into the room, and seeing me writing in a leather green book, marked "Journal" in fancy curvedletters on the front.
Why do people think that journal's are sissy. Well, let me tell you, there is a difference between a journal and a diary. A diary is where girls write down forbidden secrets, never-mentioned-again embaressments, and how they have secret emotions for boys.
To me, a journal is a recording of history seen in a cerain person's point of view, so that those in the future can learn
That's it. Any opinions?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 20, 2005).]
posted
I find this believable as what a kid might actually write in a journal, but I also feel that that's why I don't find it all that interesting. I'd rather read something more passionate than backpeddaling. I think that If this kid has gone to the trouble to steal a journal, then maybe he's pretty passionate about it. I would think that his defensiveness about it would be more throaty, like, "yeah, I'm a boy and I'm writing in a journal, but if you had this family, then maybe you would too" or something simillar, unless the main character is very mousy, and then that might not work.
Posts: 28 | Registered: Apr 2005
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A little too much talking about the journal itself. "Leather Green" seemed backwards.
I think the concept is a good one. I think the start is rough. I need a better reason to want to know what's inside an adolescent male's journal than just because he felt an undefined need to write one.
posted
Maybe you could start with the reason he wants to create a journal. Did something happen? Does he feel the need to write it down ASAP? The writing is good, but I feel like something is missing.
Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I feel that the voice of this character represents someone who is older--late teens to early twenties. How old is he?
Also, nothing happens, so I'm not interested. He's just writing some stuff down...and that's it. Perhaps instead, he could be writing down something that just happened to him, something he feels strongly about. Maybe something bad just happened to him and he's has to write it down NOW. Maybe something really good just happened to him and he can't wait to talk about it, so he pulls out his journal and quickly jots it down. Or perhaps there's an interesting story behind where he got the journal from and why, and he then writes about it.
Other than that, though, I thought the writing was good. No grammatical errors that I saw, mechanics are good, so you have nothing to worry about there.
posted
I'd start with him writing down something that just happened, and then in the next couple of entries, if you still wish, him reflecting on how and why he got the journal.
I wouldn't say the voice is 17-18. I spoke that well at 10! C'mon. I was more advanced then most kids, but I do know most kids can speak that well by at least 13 or 14. Mind you, there's adults that don't speak that well, so it's all relative.
I think a lot of it will come down to the attitude and feeling of the writing, rather than the grammar and way of speaking.
posted
I am not hooked, mainly because what the narrator is writing in the journal could be anything. Frankly, I'd rather not have the musings of an adolescent in her journal if there are going to be ordinary. (I went though adolescence once, and once was enough for me). Could you perhaps fast forward a little and get to the point where something unusual is happening?
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
To me, with the bit about comparing boys and girls, the voice sounds about 9-10.
It's just weird to picture a 17-18-year-old kid going off on a diatribe about how he's not a sissy. I got an image of cooties. Maybe the protagonist is younger still. The voice isn't really advanced as it is clear. Well educated kids speak well very young.
The voice is nice, but you get bogged down with too many details. Don't bother describing a journal. Unless it's relevant, we've all seen one.
And where you ask the question of are journals sissy, that needs a "?".
Also, try getting into the reason why this kid felt the need to steal a journal. What is he trying to express?
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited October 21, 2005).]
A kid would not contract to won't in writing. Contractions though taught in 3rd to 4th grade are still taught as frowned upon in writing. So, at least 10-12yr old (already assuming well educated). A 10 year old would not refer to his brother without a name. This is probably the stickler on the language, differentiating between a proper audience and a familiar audience. This tries too hard to go for the journalistic proper audience rather than speaking in the way he thinks. Thus the voice is upper teens.
[This message has been edited by pantros (edited October 21, 2005).]
posted
I have never started a journal with a detailed confession of how I stole the thing itself. Nor have I ever started one with a defense of my desire to start a journal. Both seemed rather...ironic. But I'm not sure that's a good thing.
I did start a journal one time with the story of how I couldn't come up with a good New Year's resolution so somebody told me I should make a resolution to think up a good resolution within two weeks. So about two minutes later, I came up with starting a journal (yes, the very journal in which I wrote that story), thus achieving my (utterly lame) resolution in record time
I think some people have already kinda suggested that you should start this journal with why he's writing a journal rather than dealing with various reasons he might not write in a journal.
posted
I feel more than a little confused. the main reason is that I always try to get my main characters name into the first thirteen lines, so the way you wrote the book seems... odd, at best, just plain creepy at worst. another thing that you might want to do is to adopt the voice of the group you are trying to get to. like, say, that you want goths to read this. you might want to have him write about how pointless life is to him and everyone around him. just the opposite for stand-up comedians. it all just depends on who you are trying to reach. but, thats just my style, so their you go. Posts: 240 | Registered: Oct 2005
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