Here is the first 13 lines of “The Spiral Web” a Sci-fi novel that I am working on. The story revolves around a galaxy recovering from a cataclysm and the forces trying to guide it. Currently it is a little under 10,000 words and I am interested if the opening is enough to catch people’s attention.
“Big Time is dead.” It came out flat when Jarez announced it to Tam.
Tam’s optics went dark as he sub-vocalized, followed by a quick movement of his hand. Jarez had seen Tam link to his computer many times before, but it wasn’t what he expected him to do upon hearing the news. Emotions of rage had always bubbled out from him with the slightest provocation. Jarez had even taken the precaution of posting guards at the exit port to stop Tam from doing something rash. This calm, almost cold reaction was more than a little unnerving, considering their history.
Bigs and Tam had been the only ones left from the original crew of the Lucky Roll, a modified, merchant cutter.
Thank you in advance
[This message has been edited by Winship (edited October 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 21, 2005).]
“Big Time is dead.” Jarez’s words came out flat when he announced it to Tam.
The speaker watched the engineer’s optics go dark as Tam sub-vocalized, followed by a quick movement of his hand. Jarez had seen Tam link to his computer many times before, but it wasn’t what he expected him to do upon hearing the news. Emotions of rage had always bubbled out from him with the slightest provocation. Jarez had even taken the precaution of posting guards at the exit port to stop the temperamental engineer from doing something rash. This calm, almost cold reaction was more than a little unnerving, considering their history. Bigs and Tam had been the only ones left from the original crew of the Lucky Roll, a modified, merchant cutter. Ten cycles of
[This message has been edited by Winship (edited October 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 21, 2005).]
posted
Some good elements here, but you do have a few problems.
I'm against opening with a line of dialogue, and in this case I think I'll explain why. Only the most extraordinary dialog ever means anything when taken completely out of context. In this case, you give us the line, then a bunch of other stuff, and only then tell us that "Big Time" is a person Tam knew.
Also, dialog openings have a huge hurdle to establishing POV quickly and reliably. In this case, I couldn't discern the POV until I hung up on the pronoun reference problems in "what he expected him to do". That forced me to stop, parse that carefully, and I figured out the POV frame along the way. But not only is that not a good way to establish POV, it isn't a good thing to throw ambiguous pronouns at the reader anyway
Then you throw another pronoun at me, and I have to read ahead a line or two in order to figure out who's bubbling with rage.
Dialog openings are also terrible for establishing the physical setting, at the end of this opening, I have no idea where this is happening other than somewhere with an exit port where Jarez can post guards. That's not a lot, since I don't know a thing about Jarez at this point other than that he can post guards at the aforementioned exit port.
Despite all that, I liked the way you worked the exposition of the about Tam's interface in fairly smoothly (it would have been smoother if I had already known I was seeing it from Jarez's POV rather than Tam's, but that should go without saying). I liked the way you used Tam's betrayal of Jarez's expectations to tell us a little about both of them.
I don't hate where you seem to be going with having Tam as the last survivor of the Lucky Roll, but the concept might seem tired to some people and that last line is pretty clumsy any way I look at it. It might catch people's attention, or not.
-I like the opening quote. A quote has got to be good if it's an opener. It should set the theme, in a way. Ever read _Atlas Shrugged_? For all its literary faults, it has the perfect quote opener: "Who is John Galt?" From your opener, I see a theme along the lines of 'something great (an era/an idea/a dream) is over.' Is that the theme you're going for?
-I like how the setting is described in a useful way--it contributes to our knowledge of Tam. Is this a Neuromancer-esque world? The problem I had with that book is that I couldn't picture the setting of most of the scenes (a lot happens "inside" computers). You get used to the language--it's self-consistant enough that you can figure out what it MEANS to the plot for something to be going on, without actually understanding what it PHYSICALLY looks like. This style works for those interested in that particular genre, but if you want more than a small hope of being a cult classic, I suggest more physical description. It may mess with your writing style a bit, but the reader will appreciate it.
-Ack! Get rid of "The speaker"--we know it's Jarez, just say so. And please explain what it means to "sub-vocalize" within your next couple paragraphs. And "Rage" will do just fine instead of "Emotions of rage".
-Do I need to know what type of ship the Lucky Roll is straight off? Could this info be given in a more natural way? This is a minor thing. I won't begrudge the (out of POV) info dump if there aren't too many of them. Especially in the beginning.
[This message has been edited by apeiron (edited October 25, 2005).]
posted
I think starting with dialog is OK, if it tells you enough. As in:
quote:"You're starting with dialog again?" Betty said. "Don't you know how disorienting that is?" She shoved the manuscript back across the desk, disgusted.
The evil robot monkey picked it up. "If you don't buy this," it said, "I'll put you in the next one."
OK, that was fun. Anyway, about this story. I found it disorienting. One easy fix: use the names Jarez and Tam, and if you want us to know that Jarez was an engineer, just say, "Jarez was an engineer," when it becomes relevant. The way you have it leaves me unsure who's present.
Also, I don't know where they are. Easy fix.
===============
“Big Time is dead.” Jarez’s words came out flat when he announced it to Tam. [Who's Big Time? Why should we care? Tell us now.]
The speaker [who? or is it a stereo speaker, with eyes?] watched the engineer’s [who?] optics go dark as Tam [how many people are in this scene?] sub-vocalized, followed by a quick movement of his hand. Jarez had seen Tam link to his computer many times before, [what was the quick hand movement, and what did it signify?] but it wasn’t what he expected him to do upon hearing the news. Emotions of rage had always bubbled out from him [who?] with the slightest provocation. Jarez had even taken the precaution of posting guards at the exit port [exit port? we know there's a computer; I picture a data port. Or are we in a space station? Or an airport? An office?] to stop the temperamental engineer from doing something rash. This calm, almost cold reaction was more than a little unnerving, considering their history. [What history is that? Does Tam throw tantrums, or something?] Bigs [who? if you dont' want to say, you could say "Tam was one of two survivors"] and Tam had been the only ones left from the original crew of the Lucky Roll, a modified[,] merchant cutter. Ten cycles of
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited October 26, 2005).]
quote:"You're starting with dialog again?" Betty said. "Don't you know how disorienting that is?" She shoved the manuscript back across the desk. The evil robot monkey picked it up. "If you don't buy this," it said, "I'll put you in the next one."
POV
The thing that particularly confused me about "Big Time" is that I had no reason to believe that it was the name of a person.
Like Beth meant to say, we expect a lot from every line
posted
I tell a little story about the name “Big Time” for those who are interested. The original opening line was “Bigs is dead”. Before I let anyone look at it, this was back when it was just a short story, Bigs was changed to Biggs. I changed it to make it look more like a regular name, which it never was. Big Time, or Bigs for short, has always been a nickname for a criminal/gambler/rebel who always wanted to make it to the “big time”. Then I received a comment about how Biggs reminded them of the Star Wars character Biggs, since they both are dead. I then went with the idea of using Big Time and Bigs when the dead character is mentioned.
So I am now looking at one of three things, based off the responses I have received here.
1. Change the name and lose some background details. 2. Explain better that it is a name. 3. Keep it the same and expect people to figure it out.
Here is where it stands right now.
A weary silence hung over the ship as Jarez made the announcement to Tam, he felt as flat as his words, “Bigs is dead.”
This should establish POV early and inform the reader that the scene is taking place on a ship. It should also de-emphasize the line somewhat since the story is not about Bigs.
posted
I say keep "Big Time is dead." I liked it and it's a good hook, as first sentences go. I got what you meant about the reaction being surprisingly calm "considering their history." Clearly Big Time (which I never questioned was a name, but even if I had, I'd have realized it was soon enough) and Tam have some sort of close past. I'm guessing at a romance, and I'd probably feel cheated if it wasn't.
The intro makes me want to know why Tam reacted like she did. Did she know Bigs was going to die? Was she responsible? What is Jarez's relationships with Tam? How does HE feel knowing a (potential) old interest of Tam's is dead. The way he tells her indicates either: -He knows Tam will react badly and just wants to get it over with. -He expected Bigs to die. -He's actually indifferent, which suggests he doesn't care much for Tam in that case, because he figured she'd care.
I guess I can see that if Tam is taken to be short for Tammy but I rather figured that "Tam link to his computer" would have established Tam sex as male.
Well in that case, the story loses more of my interest, sadly. Maybe it's just because I get turned off from a scene with guys acting macho (Tam's cold reaction combined with Jarez's distant demeanor). I don't know why I assumed Tam was female. Probably both the name and his "history" with Big Time, which I assumed was a romantic connotation.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
