How it came to be in love is a wondrous story, full of life, joy, hope . . . proof, maybe that out there somewhere in the vast cosmos there sits a benevolent God, smiling down on all his creations–for did not God create the hand which created the android? –bestowing upon them all the knowledge and appreciation of everything that is . . . Yes, a wondrous tale, that one . . . but regrettably, this is not that tale. This tale is not so joyous. And not so hopeful. Yet it is no less important, I think, and should be told, if for no other reason that in the telling and in the reading, we should all come a little closer to understanding what it means to be human
[This message has been edited by Sariel (edited October 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Sariel (edited October 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 21, 2005).]
posted
I people were waiting for me to cut this to 13 lines of manuscript text before commenting on it, you can go ahead now.
Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
| IP: Logged |
posted
It sounds a little like "A Series of Unfortunate Events" to me. If your aim is to do that, then it works. If not - rather than introducing a story you are not going to tell, I would go right into the story you are going to tell.
I do like the concept of an android in love - curious as to what the story is.
[This message has been edited by rahamad (edited October 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by rahamad (edited October 21, 2005).]
posted
This is a great concept and interesting treatment. I could like the whole thing if I didn't have a prejudice about introductory sentences which use he, she or it without specifying a name or other identifier.
Posts: 245 | Registered: Feb 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
An interesting beginning, but I think that perhaps the narrator could have a bit more character. Right now, it just sounds like a voice over for a movie trailer--or something to that effect.
Other than that, I'm quite interested in this story. Nice work.
posted
Thanks to everyone for the comments Anyone interested in reading the whole thing can contact me. It runs approx. 17,000 words, I think, more of a novella than a short.
quote:I people were waiting for me to cut this to 13 lines of manuscript text before commenting on it, you can go ahead now.
Sorry about that, I think I counted 13 lines in Works (my computer has that awful Works 5.0, which nobody else seems to have, so I had to convert it) and Wordpad seems to format differently than Works.
quote:It sounds a little like "A Series of Unfortunate Events" to me. If your aim is to do that, then it works. If not - rather than introducing a story you are not going to tell, I would go right into the story you are going to tell. I do like the concept of an android in love - curious as to what the story is.
quote:This is a strange one... there's something altogether hackneyed about it, and yet at the same time there's a charming honesty to the writing. The Lemony Snickett angle might be a problem, as I'm sure by now editors have seen this done-to-death and are sick of it. Still, there's that undeniably joyous quality to your writing. Have you read any of John T. Sladek's humorous robot stories and novels? You should, as your opening here reminds me of his 1983 novel "Tik Tok".
The name "Tik Tok" sounds familiar, but I'm sure I haven't read the story. I'll have to look for it. My inspiration came more from Asimov, coupled with a fascination with what it means to be human. I hadn't noticed a Lemony Snicket parallel, but I do now. And I do recall watching the movie shortly before I began writing this... I don't continue in that fashion, though; the narrator shows up in the introduction, and the end, to bookend. The intro is brief, just a setup, and it moves right into the story after the bit posted here.
quote:This is a great concept and interesting treatment. I could like the whole thing if I didn't have a prejudice about introductory sentences which use he, she or it without specifying a name or other identifier.
I deliberated quite a bit about using the android's name, Alvin, but I felt stating his nature at this point was more important to set the tone.
quote:An interesting beginning, but I think that perhaps the narrator could have a bit more character. Right now, it just sounds like a voice over for a movie trailer--or something to that effect. Other than that, I'm quite interested in this story. Nice work.
In the closing movement of the story, the narrator is revealed to be one of the characters. Not sure whether I should reveal that in the beginning or not. Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, I've never seen Lemony Snickett, but the intro came off as the story of Bicentennial Man in the narrative voice of Douglas Adams--maybe if he was a little mushier. I don't know if I'd keep reading. Maybe I'd give it another paragraph. But in that paragraph I'd expect to see what sets this apart from all the other stories about robots who "want to be real boys".
Posts: 184 | Registered: May 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm never sure about a story that starts out with the "this is a tale" thing. Plus you're telling us a tale in the first paragraph that you next say isn't the tale you're telling.
I say just tell us the tale. Forget the set up and drop us right in there (Did I say "tale" enough times?).
"The android was in love", was good though. That sets a nice mood, though it almost is ruined when you began to elaborate.
posted
I also noticed the Unfortunate Events tones. I normally do not like stories that open with a pronoun, rather than a name. However, it might work if you're trying to emphasize that others see the Android as inhuman, as a machine, a thing.
I also thought the introduction took a little too long, but I wasn't sure if this was a novel or a story. (It might be that I didn't notice.)
If it's a story, I'd like to get more into the character and PoV, but this point.
posted
Got an e-mail today regarding my submission of this story to IGMS:
"Thank you for your story submission to Orson Scott Card's Intergalactic Medicine Show. We apologize for the long delay in responding to you, but our readers have been absolutely overwhelmed with the number of story submissions they have received. In fact, we started with one reader, and now we're up to three! We're thrilled at the level of interest in IGMS and hope that with additional readers, we'll get through our backlog before too long.
However, I wanted to let you know that your story did make it through the first cut, and will now be passed on to Mr. Card to read and make a final decision. There is quite a stack for him to read, so it could still be a month or two (possibly more) before we get back to you, so please be patient! You will hear from us one way or another – whether your story has been accepted or rejected.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
Anyone interested in reading the whole thing can contact me. It runs approx. 17,000 words, I think, more of a novella than a short.
