posted
Short story. After feedback on the first 13.
After two hours night driving a service station appeared in the distance. ‘You want a drink?’ Anne asked. ‘No. I just wanna get there.' Charlie’s hands were fixed on the wheel, his eyes ahead as the service station flashed past. As an after thought he checked the fuel gauge -- three quarters left. He noticed a chill emanating from the passenger seat. What? What did I say this time? ‘What’s wrong?’ She did not answer. They drove in silence for another couple of flat miles before she flicked on the radio. Scanning through the holy-roller stations she stopped when she got to some music; hymns of praise – great. Even the sound made his skin burn. She did that on purpose. He flicked it off.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited October 25, 2005).]
posted
OK, grammatically, the first sentence is implying that the service station has been driving at night for two hours. That made me wince. Try "After two hours of night drving, Charlie saw the lights of a service station up ahead" or something like that. It's grammatically better, and it introduces the POV character.
After that... well, all I get is two people who are clearly having relationship difficulties, because of communication difficulties. I'm not gripped, and there isn't a hint of what the story is going to be about unless it's about their relationship - and neither of them seem to care about anything very much. There's not the merest hint of likeability about them yet. Everything's negative.
posted
While the piece is well written, I agree with tchernabyelo on all counts. What would make a difference for me as a reader is if you indicated a starting point for their relationship problems... a "why" to it. After you mention the chills you could insert something simple, like, "Every since I told her I was a spy..." or "Every since Billy died..."
Although, the way a just wrote it comes across as a minor info drop, so it might not be the best way to place it. My whole point is that you create tension from the start, which is good for building suspense, but right now it reads like everyday tension, which doesn't hook me. If you give me a not so everyday motive for the tension, then I will definately read on.
[This message has been edited by thedeathkillersareback (edited October 25, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by thedeathkillersareback (edited October 25, 2005).]
Tcher (sorry, but I ain't spelling that one out ) is right about the first sentance, on all counts.
But I think that whether I'd keep reading or not may depend a lot on genre and a bit on length. Or maybe even on just knowing the genre. So I'll reserve further judgement on the rest of the text other than to say that it seems well written.
posted
How about: Contemporary Fantasy Word Count : Abt 1500 words
First Thirteen:
After two hours night driving, Charlie saw a service station in the distance. ‘You want a drink?’ Anne asked. ‘No. I just wanna get there.' The dream had been so clear, he would know the place when he saw it. As the service station flashed by he noticed a chill emanating from the passenger seat. What? What did I say this time? ‘What’s wrong?’ She did not answer but flicked on the radio instead. Scanning through the holy-roller stations she stopped at some music; hymns of praise – great. Even the sound made his skin burn. She did that on purpose. For some reason he could listen to sermons all day, but hymns were different. Too much and he would blaze. He flicked it off.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited October 25, 2005).]
posted
Yes, that makes it much more interesting. I like the greater degree of characterization as well. At 1500 I'll definitely give it a shot.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yep, vast improvement; there's a hook there now. What dream? What did he see? Is this the source of the friction between them? This one, I'd continue to read.
posted
Well, obviously the source of the chill from the passenger's seat is the fact that she hinted that she wanted to stop (and maybe get a drink herself) and he didn't get the hint. What's the matter with him anyway? Doesn't he love her enough to know when she wants to stop for a minute?
[This message has been edited by Corky (edited October 26, 2005).]
Just one more thing to add to the other's helpful comments. This line here:
she stopped at some music; hymns of praise – great. Even the sound made his skin burn. She did that on purpose.
It seems to me that "she did that on purpose" is already rather obvious, since she stopped actively changing the station there. I think I know what you're trying to say but something like "She hit the scan button on the radio and it stopped at some holy-roller station. I think she did that on purpose." may work a little better.
posted
I like the line about "she did this on purpose." By the italics, you are indicating clearly this is inner dialog rather than an effort to tell the reader something they don't know.
After all, if someone is deliberately pushing your emotional buttons (I love the metaphor), that is EXACTLY what you think in your mind!
Nice piece, hoptoad. And I think the dream is the hook for me. I'd keep reading.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
) is right about the first sentance, on all counts.
the source of the chill from the passenger's seat is the fact that she hinted that she wanted to stop (and maybe get a drink herself) and he didn't get the hint. What's the matter with him anyway? Doesn't he love her enough to know when she wants to stop for a minute?
