posted
Anstor looked to ground, the files lay stretched a broad. The system as Anstor could tell was falling apart. People were being assigned new jobs who had held previous posts over 30 years. Security had increased ten fold over the last two years. Only a few years ago, Anstor simply walked into the building, and showed his badge, now, had to go through more badge checks, security fences, and various other tedious things. He had just finished over one year paperwork, something that had tired him tremendously. Once he finished this work, the CIA just handed him even more, for proofreading none the less. He tried to concentrate on the words, but every sentence he read caused him to forget the previous one.
[This message has been edited by zetars (edited November 07, 2005).]
This is almost entirely "Telling" rather than "Showing". During the hook of a short story, try to limit your "telling" sentences. Don't open with a history lesson, jump into the story and expose the neccesary history along the way.
Gonna take this apart to see what we can get out of it.
quote: Anstor looked to ground, the files lay stretched a broad.
what does "stretched a broad" mean? Is this a colloquial for "strewn about"?
quote:The system as Anstor could tell was falling apart.
needs a couple commas to make it readable.
quote:People were being assigned new jobs who had held previous posts over 30 years.
Passive, Unneccesary history.
quote:Security had increased ten fold over the last two years.
Possibly unneccesary history.
quote:Only a few years ago, Anstor simply walked into the building, and showed his badge, now, had to go through more badge checks, security fences, and various other tedious things.
"Only a few years ago" from when? Again, Unneccesary history.
quote:He had just finished over one year paperwork, something that had tired him tremendously.
Unreadable. You are missing some words here.
quote:Once he finished this work, the CIA just handed him even more, for proofreading none the less.
Probably unneccesary though you might need it to show that Anstor thinks himself too important for proofreading other people's work.
quote:He tried to concentrate on the words, but every sentence he read caused him to forget the previous one.
posted
Hey Zetars, like Pantros said, how can we help? What is the length of this piece?
I would add that I liked the 'I'm too important for this job.' hook in the last opening you posted and think you should keep it.
Edit for clarification and to include:
I don't know whether the background stuff is uneccessary or not. Does it go toward establishing that he has somehow been maneuvered from a 'man of action' type to a 'pencil-pusher' type and he resents it?
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 07, 2005).]
posted
Exactly! You can simply help by just suggesting things to make it better, and really anything. Reading the full version [About 5,500 words and rapidly growing]would help tremendously. But, I wouldn't really suggest it...lots of grammar and other mistakes abound.
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I agree that the opening could have a bit more action up front, but really, I'm knit-picking. Wait a few revisions before worrying about it.
Also, I've never heard the phrase "stretched a broad" either. And the second sentences needs commas--or you could just cut out "as Anstor could tell." I'm already assuming I'm in his POV, so I'm guessing it's his opinion.
If you are interested in something more specific than "various other tedious things", I know that 'secure' buildings and classified areas require people to check any device that could store data (even iPods) and to remove the batteries from their cell phones. What a hassle!
Cut 'Once he finished this work'--it's repetitive. (I don't think you need the previous statement either, actually. At least not yet. Set up the current situation a bit more to hook us first?)
I guess my beef with the lack of action in the opening boils down to this: reading about a guy doing paperwork isn't captivating. I can do that on my own. Put me in a new, exciting situation! (Anstor doesn't have to be 'excited' necessarily, but what's going on around him should make me want to hang around him longer.) You have a lot of material to work with, from what I've gathered from your other openings. But again, maybe wait for the next round of revisions.
posted
Okay then Pantros, though if it takes more then a day, or a week I don't mind. Take as time as you need. Sendind, thanks!
Posts: 78 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Keep in mind I haven't read the first version, but this is what I see.
quote:Anstor looked to ground, the files lay stretched a broad.
This sentence feels like there's something missing. I really have no idea what it means as there's no context for me in "a broad". The first sentence, especially, needs to be simple and easy to attach to.
quote:The system as Anstor could tell was falling apart.
You could just say: "The system was falling apart." We know it's how Anster sees it as he's the POV character.
And the rest feels like it's all this had happened, and then that had happened. Things of the past that I have no connection to and no way to grasp why I care. If I was you I'd start with solid action and wait until at least the third or fourth paragraph before telling us of the past.
A good rule of thumb is: make us feel and see the character and we'll care what happens to him. So far all I know is that he thinks a lot about paperwork and security jargon. Get in his head, but let us feel it, see it , so we can care about it.
That's my rant for the day. Hope it helped a little.
posted
Comes off as a little clunky and awkward. It's needlessly vaque as well. Seems very tired right away, and not in a way that the reader can relate to. I simply wasn't hooked. And like someone else said, more showing, less telling. Remove necessary words and phrases, and work on making this piece flow better.
Also, you're emphasizing the wrong things. For instance, you say,
"The system as Anstor could tell was falling apart. People were being assigned new jobs who had held previous posts over 30 years. Security had increased ten fold over the last two years."
What we really want is to know more about your lead character, who you've just introduced but abandoned for a time. All these issues seem needless unless you SHOW us how they're affecting him.
posted
These crits might be getting confusing. On the one hand, people have told you not to lead with Anstor's reactions. On the other hand, they've told you not to intro a character and then switch topics.
The key here is the showing, not telling. We need to know about the changes in the CIA and Anstor's job so we can understand why he's upset. But we don't want to lose sight of Anstor. So what you need is a way to--through the action and thoughts of Anstor--let the reader know what's up. Sitting there late at night, would Anstor be reflecting on the whole buildup that led to his current situation? In his shoes, my focus would be more on what's happened/currently happening to me (all the hassle to get to work each day because of security, frustration with my job). And maybe also (if I was Anstor) the fact that I keep hearing noises down the hall (though I tell myself it's just pipes) and every crack of lightning makes me jump as though it were a gunshot... Now, I'm not sure if you want to lead with that angle (b/c you cut the past terrorist stuff from your first 13), but, again, here we don't leave Anstor's mind and we find out about the past without it looking like an info dump.
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