posted
I have two different versions of a rewrite of this WIP and I was wondering which one you guys think would work better.
Fantasy These are fragments that roughly have only about 3-400 words apeice.
Sample one:
Shikar warriors roamed through the village with impunity. Their sheer size sent most of the villagers scattering at their approach. They stood a head shorter than the huts and weighed more than four grown men. They looked like the same bears that roamed the surrounding forest and their hands ended in dagger sized claws.
Conn and his father Jaros woke to the sounds of deep chested growls and human screams. They both grabbed thier swords and rushed out into the bright morning light. They saw a few bodies on the ground oozing blood from vicious wounds. They walked around the neighboring hut and suprised two of the invaders.
Brandishing their greatswords, Conn and Jaros stood at the ready. --------------------------------------------
Sample two
I opened the door to my hut and stepped out into the sun of the morning. Feeling the dirt underneath my feet, I walked to the clearing and sat on one of the logs.
Looking up to the sky, I closed my eyes, stretched, and took a deep breath filling my lungs with the crisp air of the forest surroundings. All of the sounds from the forest filled the air as well as muffled laughing coming from behind me.
Turning around, I saw several of the younger boys staring up at me as if I held answers to unasked questions.
“What do you want?” I asked them sternly. It was the same with all the younglings here.
_____________________________________________
Nit-pick all you want, on both if you want and let me know, in your opinion, which is best.
Thanks for you help you guys. Hopefully this is the last hurdle for me to jump with this difficult WIP.
-Monolith-
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 09, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited November 09, 2005).]
posted
second is the best, deffinetly. I like how there is detail. It's easier to get to know the character, the setting, and what is going on.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Nov 2005
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The second one doesn't have anything going on. It's well-written, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
The first one throws you in to the action, so it's got a hook, but I found the writing rather flat. It didn't seem to live; it had a distance, and a matter-of-fact dryness, that seemed at odds with what should be a scene of terror and chaos.
posted
I'll echo tchernabyelo here. The second one is the one that feels most professional in terms of writing, but has nothing going on. The first one should be hectic action, but doesn't feel like it. I'd suggest looking into the tone (pick a POV character and imagine he is terrified, or getting ready for action, whatever), and into rhythm (it seems to me there are a lot of binary sentences here, and they add up to a sense of sameness that doesn't echo your frantic action).
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I think both are good. Honestly by going straight into the action it grips the readers interest, which it did for me. The second one however failed to do that.
Posts: 384 | Registered: Oct 2005
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1 is where to start. "With a hook" is the right answer -- although what the hook should be is still up to you! Invasion would surely work.
The 2nd is whether to use 1P or 3P, and I think that's a decision you'd make for all of the story, not just based on 1st 13. 1P distances you in time from the action (narrator is remembering), but maybe not much.
posted
I like the first one. But I think the transition between the two pov's could be made smoother by changing the order of the sentences. Try ending the first pov section with the scattering villagers and then start Conn's pov with the growls and screams. To me that would make it read like Conn instantly wakes up when he hears the noise of the attack. By the way, I love the shikar.
Posts: 397 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I like the second one best, yet I have a problem with both of them. Forgive me if I'm full of crap, but your stories are too much in the style of fantasy writing. I know that sounds terrible, but it almost seems as though you're putting style over substance. Nothing about those two samples engaged me. In other words, I just said, "Oh. Another run-of-the-mill fantasy. Big deal." I don't mean to be harsh, and I'll be the first to say do not take me seriously. I'm very averse to Tolkienesque style writing. I'd rather be mediocre doing my own thing rather than mediocre copying someone else's thing. I'll shut up now.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Example 1 Well i have a few problems with the first one.
The first one is-- Shikar warriors roamed through the village with impunity.
Warriors in my opinion do little roaming. there is (or at least should) be a method to the maddness. At the very least i dont think it discribes the situation very well.
My second nit is-- They saw a few bodies on the ground oozing blood from vicious wounds.
Now these guys must be under attak constantly to just dismiss there fellow villagers being dead on the ground (at the least i would expect a shock or free, anger) And i am not a fan of oozing blood, i have had a finger cut off once and i remember with startling detail that blood does not ooze. (when i think ooze i think of slimer off of Ghostbusters) Granted i was distracted at the time so perhaps i am wrong. I also do care for the "vicious wounds" ... i have seen horrible, terrible, bloody wounds but vicious is how they were made not what they are.
My third probley was basically the first part of the second issue. There is no excitement in this at all. You need to draw us in to the "horrible blood soaked bodies" and the horendusness (is that even a word?) of whats going on. You need to make us ... feel the pain of this encounter.
Example 2 I have no real problem with it except for as the others said you need to reword it to make it hook us in.
With work however this could be an intresting story and i, as always am intreged by the "Shikar". If you have more i will read it though. E-mail it to me.
WG Tryndale
[This message has been edited by W. G. Tryndale (edited November 10, 2005).]
posted
I prefer the first, but the story really starts with the second paragraph. All the information in the first isn't being shown from any POV and it's information that COULD be shown IN a clear POV as well as introduced as your POV sees it.
So start with that second paragraph and work the information about the Shikar warriors in as the POV character (Conn) sees things. IE. Conn and his father hear the screams, grab their swords, run out of their huts, see the bodies, run around until they find the source--gasp! Shikar warriors! Mabye one of them strikes out at Conn, giving him a good look at their dagger-sized claws. Maybe one rushes him and he gets a very clear sense of their enormous size, weight. Maybe one actually makes contact with him, throwing him hard against a wall or something, giving Conn and your reader a sense of the Shikar's strength.
Tryndale, I do have the original version of this WIP, If you'd like to read it, but it would give you a heads up on what happens later.
Headolence, don't worry about it. It's ok, but I do wish I could write this as well as Tolkein wrote LOTR. Boy, then it'd be easy.
I don't take things(crits) too seriously(much), but I do think about what's said and then ask myself "Why didn't you see it that way?". But I guess that's what you wonderful people do best, see things that the author doesn't.
posted
I, being the incredibly stupid person that i am, have no idea what WIP means, But it sounds lovely.
Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
In the first one, you have nine sentences. Out of those nine sentences, six of them begin with the same word, "they" (and one begins with the word "their" which is very close). That is part of the 'flatness' problem.
The second one seems heavy on the use of the word "I." It is showing instead of telling (I know, I hate that old chestnut too, but it works!) If you're inside the character's head, you should give his thoughts without the use of "I" quite so much- draw us in to his POV, don't have us simply tell us what is going on like he is narrating. We should be there with him. [This message has been edited by Luxie (edited November 11, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Luxie (edited November 11, 2005).]
posted
Well, i'm going to add my two cents by saying what you probably already know: in the first version(which i liked best, to me it was more engaging than the second one) you use the word 'roam' twice and very close together.
posted
Both of these beginnings have lots of potential, and I can't decide which one I prefer.
However, I was disengaged from the action by your style / sentence structure, which presented the same problem in both pieces. Luxie addressed this somewhat, but I'll add something.
It's more than just the repetition of the word 'they' in the first and 'I' in the second. Nearly every sentence in both pieces follows the form:
______ did/saw/heard/etc something.
The images you gave us were not bad, but the lack of varied sentence structure made me feel as if I were reading a list. (1. Jack went to the store. 2. He ran into Jill. 3. They laughed over the good ol' days. 4. Jill was getting married to Bob. 5. Jack regretted lost opportunities.) You see?
Don't be afraid to mix things up, combine two ideas into one, or just flip a sentence around. Something as simple changing:
"They saw a few bodies on the ground oozing blood from vicious wounds."
into
"Nearby on the ground lay several bodies, slain by vicious wounds. The dark pools of blood seemed even darker in the bright morning sunlight."
can work wonders. (Not that I claim to write perfect sentences! Au contraire.)
Looks like you have a great idea going, so don't stop working at it because in the end it will turn out great!
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