posted
This is a seven page double spaced short story, about 2,000 words. I know it still isn't as good as it could be and it'd be awesome if someone could give me feed back on all of it.
---Bethany
Mercy hid her face. Her son, Connor, sat in his booster chair and mashed peas on his plate, telling a story to his little brother, Courtland. Mercy cried. The high chair rattled and banged from Courtland’s fist. Connor’s voice dipped and flew through the sound, and when the noise stopped, Courtland giggled and hiccupped. Connor laughed along, “You’re a funny baby.” They had seen Mom cry many times.
As a fact, cars go past the driveway every so often. But then there is always a time when one does not. The garage door clanked and turned open and a truck pulled in. Not until the engine turned off did Mercy jump to her feet. The counter needed wiping and the dishes needed washing. Connor needed to be let down. The peas needed to be swept. Don’t let him see your tears.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 10, 2005).]
posted
Based on the way you're writing, you should explore Mercy's thought processes in a bit more detail. Also, your writing could flow a little better. Of course, my two issues are related. That is, the narration seems awkward because you're halfway inside the head of Mercy. Very confusing. Lastly, I know I'm new here, but there's no need to apologize for your work before the reader has a chance to read it. Let it stand on its own.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I knew there was something missing in the first two pages. It's fixed now. Here's what the new first paragraph is:
Mercy hid her face. She didn’t want her children to see her cry—but they saw anyway… and they didn’t care. They’ve seen Mom cry many times. Her son, Connor, sat in his booster chair and mashed peas on his plate, telling a story to his little brother, Courtland. The high chair rattled and banged from Courtland’s fist. Connor’s voice dipped and flew through the sound, and when the noise stopped, Courtland giggled and hiccupped. Connor laughed along, “You’re a funny baby.” Soon the garage door clanked and turned open and a truck pulled in. Not until the engine turned off did Mercy jump to her feet. He must not see this mess, even though you're tired you must go on. The counter needed wiping and the dishes needed washing. Connor needed to be let down. The peas needed to be swept. He cannot see your tears.
Thank you Headolence! Thank you LMermaid, it shall be sent.
---Bethany
[This message has been edited by Brecca's Sister (edited November 11, 2005).]
posted
Shouldn't "They've seen Mom cry many times," read, "They had seen mom cry many times."? I think "have" should be "had", and I don't think "mom" needs to be capitalized.
Also,"As a fact, cars go past the driveway every so often. But then there is always a time when one does not," seems like an awkward way to get the point across. In fact, the paragraph still works if you delete it all together.
posted
I like it, and I think it's improved by the change you made.
A few more improvements I suggest:
"In point of fact, sometimes a car stops in the driveway": We're taken out of the moment into a generalization, and when we come back, I'm unsure if we're in the same scene. How about: "She heard a car stop in the driveway."
I'm not absolutely sure we're in her head (the mother's). The reason is that she's crying, and we don't know why! So we can't be in her head. And yet we're in her perceptions. I think.
I get frustrated when the author won't tell us what the POV character knows.
I'd get really cranky if we don't find out ASAP; but better yet, tell us in the first sentence. It is, after all, the big issue so far.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
