Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » SF - The Budget Hath No Mercy, 4100 words

   
Author Topic: SF - The Budget Hath No Mercy, 4100 words
Spaceman
New Member
Member # 9240

 - posted      Profile for Spaceman           Edit/Delete Post 
First 13.

The end of the universe came in the form of a letter. Well, perhaps I should say the potential end of the universe, because I intended to do my best to keep the end from happening. Please try to understand, when somebody pours heart and soul into something the way I've poured mine into this universe, it's expected that I get emotional when it's threatened. I had a lot invested: time, energy, devotion, and even caring and pride.
Not everyone had the patience to create and observe a universe through full cycle, Big Bang to Big Crunch, and I'd already proven myself twice. For the budget office to decide at the last minute not to renew funding for the coming quarter on account of the war, especially this senseless, destructive, and stupid war with no objective – well, it really steamed my gourd. This universe was still...


Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
headolence
Member
Member # 2992

 - posted      Profile for headolence   Email headolence         Edit/Delete Post 
"What if God was one of ussssssssssssssss...." <--Sorry, couldn't help it.

This is an interesting idea for a story. I must say I'm hooked.

However, some small things:

"when somebody pours heart and soul into something the way I've poured mine into this universe, it's expected that I get emotional when it's threatened."

This is a parallelism problem. Also, I'm wondering, Who's heart? Who's soul? Also, the preposition, "into this universe" feels too tagged on. Bring it up later. Perhaps it could read,

"When somebody pours their heart and soul into something the way I have, you expect him to get emotional when it's threatened."

Also, you have another parallelism problem: "...devotion, and even caring and pride." "Caring" should be care. I, personally, wouldn't include the "and even" either.

One last little thing: "For the budget office to decide at the last minute not to renew funding for the coming quarter on account of the war, especially this senseless, destructive, and stupid war with no objective – well, it really steamed my gourd."

The fact that the war is stupid, destructive, and pointless doesn't exactly convey why the budget office should continue funding the protagonist's universe. You basically blew a hole through your protagonist's argument.

Some bigger things:

You start by saying the universe has ending. Then next sentence basically says, "well, not really." That's very manipulative, and your reader might not like it. I'd lose the second sentence entirely, plus the "please try to understand."

Why not depict the conversation with the budget office? Sounds like it would be a blast. You seem to go over some very interesting points way to fast.

The idea, however, is gold. Reminds me of Douglas Adams.

[This message has been edited by headolence (edited November 12, 2005).]


Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wbriggs
Member
Member # 2267

 - posted      Profile for wbriggs   Email wbriggs         Edit/Delete Post 
What headolence said about showing us the letter, or better yet, some conversation. I think that might be hilarious.

And I liked it fairly well already---although you will need to get to some in-the-moment action pronto.


Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Spaceman
New Member
Member # 9240

 - posted      Profile for Spaceman           Edit/Delete Post 
A few lines after the 13th, it is clear that the protagonist is waiting for the adjudicator to arrive to hear his appeal.

As for headolence's first sentence, that isn't where this goes.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Spaceman
New Member
Member # 9240

 - posted      Profile for Spaceman           Edit/Delete Post 
By the way, I can send copies to anyone interested.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
W. G. Tryndale
Member
Member # 2979

 - posted      Profile for W. G. Tryndale   Email W. G. Tryndale         Edit/Delete Post 
It does have a qirky feel, and i do like it and would enjoy reading more, and i cant but my finger on anything yet as to what i think. I feel it could be a wonderful story however.
Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hoptoad
Member
Member # 2145

 - posted      Profile for hoptoad   Email hoptoad         Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Spaceman,
How long is it?
Send it my way if you want readers.

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Spaceman
New Member
Member # 9240

 - posted      Profile for Spaceman           Edit/Delete Post 
I'll send it out in a few days, I need to do a little revision.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Elan
Member
Member # 2442

 - posted      Profile for Elan           Edit/Delete Post 
If you are still looking for readers, I'd like to see the revised version. Send it to buce at charter.net

You have a nice style going here. Looks like a fun read. Warning: my family is celebrating Thanksgiving this weekend instead of next, so it may slow down my response time. Some turkeys are closer than they appear.


Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Spaceman
New Member
Member # 9240

 - posted      Profile for Spaceman           Edit/Delete Post 
Manuscript sent to those who asked. Thanks.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MG
Member
Member # 2938

 - posted      Profile for MG   Email MG         Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, Spaceman, I know you probably have enough crits on this piece but I was wondering, couldn't you send a copy my way? I just read this thread and the opening grabbed me. It's just *so* typical of me to be late for everything.

MG


Posts: 36 | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pyre Dynasty
Member
Member # 1947

 - posted      Profile for Pyre Dynasty   Email Pyre Dynasty         Edit/Delete Post 
I really like the tone of this. I want to read the actual letter here, the cold BTW style memo.

It brings up a few questions like: who is God's God and what is so special about this particular stupid pointless war? As long as you answer that it's all good.


Posts: 1895 | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Calligrapher
Member
Member # 2985

 - posted      Profile for Calligrapher   Email Calligrapher         Edit/Delete Post 
Spaceman,
I just sent you my critique. Let me know if it helped.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2