posted
The stairwell seemed to go on forever. One step after the other didn't bring him any closer to the bottom. Artemis was getting panicky now because the stench was getting stronger. Did that mean it was getting closer? He didn't want to think about what would happen if it was following him. Could it see in the dark? He couldn't remember. The classes his advisors had given him on the beast were becoming a distant memory, just outside of his reach. Damn, if only he'd paid attention. If only he'd taken them seriously, then he wouldn't be in this situation. If only Dirk was here. He'd know what to do. He always knew what to do.
It's kinda rough, but let me know what you think.
[This message has been edited by Natosis (edited November 15, 2005).]
If only Dirk were here. Incorrect use of was. Unforutanately, I do not know all the names of rules for grammar, but I do know that you need to use were instead of was here. Has something to do with the conditional.
The classes his advisors had given him on the beast *had become* a distant memory, now just outside of his reach.
If you use were becoming, it means that every minute that goes by, they become more and more distant; it's as if 30 seconds ago he remembered, but now he doesn't. That's difficult to believe unless you have a good explanation for the short-term memory loss.
I like it. It's catchy and suspenseful. I wonder if this really works as an opener. Seems like a late place to start. Not sure, though.
The only part I might recommend changing (until I know more information) is the "One step after the other didn't bring him any closer to the bottom." First thing is a tense problem with the “didn’t”, maybe try wasn’t to be in-synch with surrounding sentence statements. Because your POV is from a storyteller that seems to know quite a bit about “what is” and “what should”; that statement indicates to me that maybe he was on an escalator going up, but trying to walk down, but doing it so slowly he literally wasn’t moving.... or something along those lines.
Maybe something like “One step after the other [wasn’t bringing] him any closer to the bottom [it seemed].”
And regarding the name Artemis, I have only known male Artemis’ so it felt very natural to me; Artemis Entreri the anti-hero from some of the Dritz novels (‘Servant of the Shard’) by R.A. Salvatore; and for my generation Artemus Gordon played by Ross Martin in the 60’s Sci-Fi Western ‘The Wild Wild West’.
Hope this helps and I look forward to more on your story.
[This message has been edited by D_James_Larkin (edited November 19, 2005).]
posted
This sequence is sort of in the middle of the story. At the time, the middle is all I had written because that's where I had started writing from. The grammar is a little sloppy I know, which is mainly due to the fact that I haven't really proofread much of my writing, I'm just trying to get the idea down on paper. If any of you want to hear more of it toe help critique, then e-mail me at natosis@gmail.com
Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:If only Dirk were here. Incorrect use of was. Unforutanately, I do not know all the names of rules for grammar, but I do know that you need to use were instead of was here. Has something to do with the conditional.
This is what is called "subjunctive" and it has a lot to do with the conditional.
Subjunctive is what is used when referring to a something that is not actually happening but that the character or narrator is speculating about. "If only" almost always requires the subjunctive form of the verb.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
