posted
Trying to finish up my novel, and I just wanted some feedback on what I have of the last chapter. Wanna make sure it’s not confusingly written. If anyone wants to read what I have (850 words), I’d be grateful, and I can fill you in on the backstory.
quote:Heather Massey woke up blurry-eyed and still tired. She had been having trouble sleeping ever since she got back to Tempe three weeks ago.
As soon as she got back, she had been placed on administrative leave, and it was driving her nuts. She wanted to go back to work, even if it was behind a desk, just something to prevent her from sitting around the house feeling sorry for herself. But the powers-that-be decided she needed some time off.
Heather hadn’t told any of her friends she was back in town yet, and none of them would call to check. They were used to her indefinite business trips. Actually, because of those, she didn’t have too many friends to speak of.
posted
This reads like the beginning of a first chapter. But maybe that's just because we haven't read everything that came before it.
Question - at this point in the story, would it be reasonable to refer to the character by her full name, or would the reader know her as just 'Heather' by now?
posted
Asking people to crit the beginning of the last chapter is expecting a bit much.
I can offer this: Why is she identified with her last name at the beginning? Is this a new character just for the last chapter?
got back from where? If this is the first time we meet this character, this question cannot remain a mystery at all.
Why was she placed on leave? By who? see above.
Why would she just sit around the house when on leave?
Three weeks ago? As in three weeks before I read this? Or three weeks before the setting of the story?
You jump from three weeks prior to as soon as she got back (meaning 3 weeks earlier than the present of the previous sentence)
Really, I have no clue what is going on or who Heather other than that she is a business person who goes on long trips to get laid off when she gets back for no reason whatsoever.
Your friends paragraph is presented in a contradictory style which makes it all confusing. Just say, what few friends she could maintain with her on-the-go lifestyle,
"Actually," Can't be used to start a sentence in the PoV you are using.
posted
Nope, this is the first time you see Heather--or at least the first time the character is referred to as Heather. She was an undercover federal agent the whole story. This is actually the first time you read anything from her POV. (the whole story used to be from her POV and the fact she was undercover was kept from the readers, but the fine, fine posters of Hatrack told me that was cheating) This chapter leads up to the reveal, though there are hints in the beginning of the chapter leading up to actually being told.
posted
I'm just curious, how long is the whole thing?
I'd be willing to take a look at it if you want. How much of a crit would you like, and are you wanting someone to read the whole thing?
I do like the little epilogue,(that's how it reads to me) but that's all it seems to be. A wrap up kind of chapter for a character that you say we meet for the first time.
Hope this isn't too harsh but I'd be willing to read the whole thing.
posted
The second paragraph doesn't work for me. It's too wordy. Perhaps something like,
quote:Administrative leave was driving her nuts. She needed work to keep her away from self pity. But when she got back, the powers-that-be decided she needed some time.
Does she hate desk jobs, or do you hate desk jobs?
Paragraph 3, again, is wordy.
quote:None of Heather's friends knew she was back. They never knew when she would come back from her seemingly endless business trips. She knew her work didn't help her social life. But knowing that didn't make a difference.
Hope that helps.
lerxster
[This message has been edited by lerxster (edited November 17, 2005).]
posted
There is lots of past tense here. "idunknow" It may be necessary based on something prior, or because she's reflecting back on the event series, but probably not.
"had been" X2 "it was" X2 "hadn't"
Stephen King calls that type of writing "timidity". “Just come right out and make things happen in the present tense” he councils.
Examples: "Heather didn't tell any of her friends she was back in town"
"As soon as she returned to work, the powers-that-be place her on administrative leave. 'Son-of-a-gun'! She exclaimed. "I had looked forward to being back… even if at a lowly desk job. Anything to get me out of the stinking house where I do nothing but get fat eating potato chips watching Oprah and feeling sorry for myself."
As pointed out previously, or unless you have multiple Heathers in your story, I would call her Heather.
Not an expert here, just my opinion and feelings in the matter. Hope it helps.
-D. James Larkin-
Edit fixed a typo .. =)
[This message has been edited by D_James_Larkin (edited November 18, 2005).]
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