posted
This is the first 13 lines of my WIP, a short story about a girl who is trying to get out of the fantasyland she has wandered into years before. It's not meant to be too serious or epic. I just want some idea whether this is hooky, at all.
The tavern is dark and smells partly of stale beer, but mostly of cooking entrails. Over by the hearth, a small horde of gnomes are stewing some sort of tripe in a blackened pottery cauldron which is about twice as big as they are. From the way they are skittering around and crowing, and the way they’ve been sneaking looks at me, before going off into peals of laughter, I have a feeling that it didn’t come from a sheep this time. I’m keeping my right hand close to the knife I wear at my hip, just in case.
Outside, it is twilight. It’s always twilight.
There are only two things a human girl comes to a place like this for. Either she has a business proposition for someone, or she wants to be someone’s dinner.
posted
I have to say, frankly, that I really, really like this. I have very little in the way of criticism. I find the writing to be engaging and not too distracting. And that last sentence most definately hooked me.
The only part I had trouble with was this:
quote:From the way they are skittering around and crowing, and the way they’ve been sneaking looks at me, before going off into peals of laughter, I have a feeling that it didn’t come from a sheep this time.
I had to read and reread that until I realized that the mention of the sheep had to do with the tripe mentioned way back in the preceding sentence. That part is very confusing, because you move on from the tripe and the cauldron, discussing their skittering and crowing and sneaking looks and laughing, and then you mention a sheep. I was confused.
Other than that, I really like this. Do you need readers? If so, count me in.
Edit to follow up with pantros: I don't read fantasy, ever. So I wouldn't recognize the cliche. If it's there, that's a problem. But for someone unfamiliar with the genre, I thought it was great.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited November 21, 2005).]
posted
Sigh. Am I always the dissenting voice? This is a nice description, but I'm not hooked in the least. You've dropped me into a stinky room with a bunch of gnomes.
Now, if you start like this:
There are only two reasons a girl comes to a place like this. Normally it was to become lunch, but today, it was on business.
Now I'm hooked. Tell me a little bit more about the business, and then show me around the stinky pub.
posted
I like this beginning. It's got me hooked. I generally don't like first person OR present tense, but I think that you have handled both pretty well here.
Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Just so Spaceman isn't the only dissenting voice, I will second what he said. If it's a short story then hook me fast. I also question the necessity for first person, although you have done it well. One thing about 1st person with this fragment: so far it has kept us from knowing your character's name. Something about having a name allows me to connect faster with an MC. Some people seem to wait forever (up to a page even) to let us know the MC's name. Going to 3rd person would solve this problem. For example, your first sentence could read thusly:
Only two reasons a human girl would enter the troll infested tavern: she either had a business proposition or wanted to be someone’s dinner. Beth's only problem now was convincing the patrons that she'd come for the first.
Just suggestions, of course. And just so you know, I was hooked. Overall a good opening.
posted
I'm going to join the side of the room that thinks the set-up (bar the overlong route to indicate that the tripe is not sheep) should come before that "hook". The hook is quite soon enough - it doesn't need to be the very first line, otherwise we'd all be trying to do 1-line hooks. And the atmosphere that's built is what makes the hook intriguing. It makes it individual and specific, not general and "ho-hum I;ve seen this before".
Oh, and I definitely don't see these gnomes as cliches. In the UK, gnomes are jovial little men with beards who sit in gardens, usually holding fishing rods. They do not cackle manically while stirring bowls of possibly human body parts...
posted
There is one important thing not clear in this beginning. Who is the human female? You haven't indicated it's the POV character who could be a male dwarf for all I know.
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