posted
Alright, my town's newspaper is holding its annual writing contest, and I have finally decided to enter it this year. What happenes is that the editor writes the first part of a story, and we have to finish the rest in five hundreds words or less.
What the first part of the story installs, is that a mother is dealing with her two spoiled children, so she tells them that they won't recieve gifts for Christmas unless they tell her the true meaning of Christmas. Three nights before Christmas, the two kids sit her down, at the table and say the found the true meaning of Christmas. Then, Joan say" Really, tell me more." This is were they leave us off.
So, this is my first 13 lines:
"Christmas is all about being good!" Jacob shouted with glee. Alex merely crossed his arms, a smug grin on his face, as if Joan had no other option but to give into their needs.
Joan cocked an eyebrow. "And where , exactly, did you find this out?"
Jacob's exictement got the best of him, and could not stop himself from shouting, "Luke told us!"
Joan rolled her eyes. Luke was the same boy who had invited Alex to the arcade for his birthday party.
Jacob grabbed the edge of his seat and began swinging his legs under the table. "So now do we get our presents?"
Joan placed her tea back down on the table, sighed, and rubbed her temples. "No, you don't get your presents."
[This message has been edited by M.D. Westbrook (edited November 22, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 22, 2005).]
posted
Alex and Jacob's reactions at the end were surprisingly intense, in my opinion. Perhaps it would make more sense to me if I'd read the editor's beginning.
Why does Joan roll her eyes about Luke? The fact that he invited Alex to a birthday party at an arcade doesn't tell me anything that would cause me to pass judgement, one way or another. He could be a really great kid who has won the presidential medal of valor, who had a party in an arcade. Or he could be a sketchy teenager who does drugs and runs with gangs and invited little Alex to come hang with his peeps at the arcade. Joan could be rolling her eyes in frustration, or sarcasm, or amused approval, or anything, for all I know.
Also, Joan seems like a jerk, frankly. They give her an answer, and she says no without telling them anything more. A good parent would give a reason why their answer was insufficient, to give them some idea of what they need to continue looking for. Is her goal just to torture them? A good parent helps their children through the learning process, rather than leaving them stranded and flailing.
* fewer characters presented immediately. You've got 3 in the first line, and none directly identified, although it's easy to guess the first one's age.
* let us know whose POV it is, up front; and how the characters relate to each other.
This is an example:
Joan felt she had no option but to give into HER SONS' needs, and they knew it. Alex merely crossed his arms ... . Jacob shouted ...
This puts us in her head and tells us they're her sons.
I have 2 problems at the start. One is that she had no option but to give in to her sons' needs. Well, of course! She's their mother (I think). Not giving them what they need is criminal neglect. But I don't think you're going for an abuse story. Maybe it's their wishes she doesn't want to give in to?
Jacob shouted out with glee not something naughty or alliterative, but something about putting limits on himself. It doesn't seem like something a child would find gleeful! If this is what he needs to say, let us know why -- or let Joan wonder how she got such a strange child.
posted
-I don't think 'needs' is the word you are looking for. 'desires', perhaps? -I like the first paragraph. I understand their glee--they think they have the answer their mom wants to hear, so their happy they've won. -I agree that having a party at an arcade doesn't say much to me. Perhaps pick something a little more scathing?
I agree with sojoyful that the mom seems kinda mean, but then, that's not M.D. Westbrook's fault, is it? Gotta work with what your given. Same with the number of characters, wbriggs. I'm also assuming that, from the intro, we know the relationship is a mother and her children. Still, I think the relationship is obvious.
And if I were their age, I'd be throwing a tantrum about no Christmas too. So that works for me.
I like your story so far, but you've got precious few words to turn things around. I assume you pull it off though.
posted
My thought is that you are wasting too much time. You have a 500 word limit, correct? You need to skim the children's temper tantrums and get into the meat of the story. If it were me, I'd spend my meager verbage allowance coming up with finale, rather than detailing the reaction of the children.
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posted
Although, the way the children responded was very natural. Most kids DO think that way, so it could be critical to the moral.
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