As mentioned in my first thread, this is soft science-fantasy, planned as a 3-volume novel-length work. The first couple of chapters are in pieces right now, so they're not ready for readers, but I'd love any feedback you have on this opening.

(And I learned my lesson. This time I'll resist the urge to respond!)

---
Teiyyin sat alone in the cockpit, frowning. The stars held no comfort for her, and after all these hundreds of years, she no longer saw them when she looked into the emptiness of space. Her thoughts were preoccupied with the ever-present snatches of thought and sight that bombarded her mind, like memories not yet lived. The simple image of a baby boy had led her on this particular journey, though she couldn’t yet discern why. It didn’t matter now; she would find out soon enough.

“You’ll burn through the viewport, glaring like that.”

Teiyyin smiled at the sound of her best friend’s voice, and forced the stream of visions to the back of her mind.

Qaranam dropped into the seat beside her and propped his feet on the console. Leaning back, he looked at her in triumph.
---

Aaah! The very next line would have finished the paragraph with three words of dialog, but alas, you don't get to know what the triumph is about.

Use centuries rather than hundreds of years. Years identifies a very specific planet. While Centuries has the same implication, it is less direct and the word flows better.

Two things:

1) Her thoughts were preoccupied with the ever-present snatches of thought

Not sure you need thought twice there, perhaps reword it?

2) You could cut the explanation that Q is t's best friend, and set it up instead as the story matures. Its fine as is, but it might give us (reader) more to discover about the two characters and their relationship.

** Edited for spelling - I never spellcheck

This sentence made me frown.

Her thoughts were preoccupied or she was preoccupied? Her thoughts were bombarded by other thoughts and sights...sights of the boy I'd imagine? She was preoccupied because she kept having these snatches of thought? (feel free to correct me here, I'm a bit thick sometimes, it's not your fault )

I think she is preoccupied by what she sees in these thoughts, right? Rather than the thoughts themselves. Anyway, maybe I need get my head examined, that's always a possiblity.

Aside from that, this fragment hooked me as as much as the one you posted before. But this one's better, now I can feel the familiarity between Teiyyin (i agree with pantros, no need to use double y) and Quaranam. I'm intrigued so when you need readers, here I am

MG

The only problems I had with this first 13 were, first the "double y" in the MC's name, but that's been covered so you've probably already changed it or told us kiss off and kept. The second problem I have is the line...

“You’ll burn through the viewport, glaring like that.”

Obviously we know what you mean by this phrase but I think it would be a bit clearer if you made the tiny addition of...

“You’ll burn through the viewport, glaring at it like that.”

Also I found a similar instance that bugged me in this line... (again this isn't anything big)

Qaranam dropped into the seat beside her and propped his feet on the console. Leaning back, he looked at her in triumph.

When you say he dropped into the seat besider her that tells me his natural inclination is to be looking straight ahead not at her, so when you say he looked at her I think it would help if you threw the word, "over" in there. Para examplo... (I don't speak spanish)

Qaranam dropped into the seat beside her and propped his feet on the console. Leaning back, he looked over at her in triumph.

Those are the only problems I see and they could as easily be changed as kept the same (except for the name). Honestly, I'm interested in reading the rest of this story. E-mail me what you've got so far (metal_matt30@hotmail.com). I'll read it over and tell you what I think.

-Cheers

This one is much smoother--notwithstanding names, punctuation and other nits picked to death so I won't keep gnawing at you with them. However, this one feels as though it starts in the middle of a story and I have no clue what kind of story was or will be.

That COULD be okay, you know? I'm engaged enough to keep reading and there's no law that says I must be completely educated in 13 lines, just hooked. And that's not even a law, just good advice ;-)

If you want to use this version, the one thing I would flesh out, if you can, is setting. I get the vague sense I'm in space, on a ship, maybe a generation ship if she's been at this staring out the window for however many uncounted generations of time. I don't have a clue about anything else. I don't know if she's a passenger, crew, commander, spy, stowaway, child, adult, diplomat--shall I really go on? I do know she's comfortable, physically, and her friend has an air of mental comfort when he arrives--and they are clearly friends. But this is the extent of the setting. I feel as though I want more, not sure you can get more texture without sacrificing substance, at least not in 13 lines.

I'm with everyone else here. If you'd like a reader for more, chapter at a time or however, I'd be happy to try to critique for you. Just as you are new to writing, I am new to critiquing so it would be helpful to me as well.

Let's see what else there is in F&F with no dragons or elves...sorry, I can't give fair objectivity to pure fantasy. It makes my skin crawl. I'm an SF-without-the-F junkie.

Well, I'll make one exception - there was a story over on Baen's Bar, mediocre writing, phenomenal comedy - pure magic/fantasy (not my thang, I said, right?) Wow, did it blow me away! I'm STILL recommending it anytime I think of the word magic, so I suppose the author just needs to get a handle on his English (not his native tongue) and get it resubmitted. Pity to see good talent not get published for lack of a native tongue.

Sorry to hijack your thread momentarily, sojoyful, back to glaring at vacuous star-filled skies.