posted
I abbreviate this title OST when discussing it; please feel free to abuse the title in the same manner ;)
This is an odd bugger. I feel it's science fiction but there is no science, really, so can't go with that classification. It's definitely not what serious SF/F people mean when they say "fantasy" or even "science fantasy" so I don't dare classify it that way either. I suppose it's an action adventure in a science fiction setting with an inspirational theme.
It's definitely got a religious / inspirational theme. The real-life religion is Jewish Chassidism and the "foreign language" that some say appears too often is actual Sephardic Hebrew as spoken on the streets of Israel today. Absurd and extensive "artistic liberties" are taken for the sake of dramatization - that's in my disclaimer :) I do have a certain amount of magic, I guess, but it's metaphysical in nature/explanation; and there is telepathy, again metaphysically explained. Does that count? I guess one of the first things I need help on is : WHAT GENRE *is* THIS?
You could classify this as a "Romeo and Juliet" story but I don't think so. No one dies, for one thing (well, plenty of people die in OST but none of our heroes, as I've often been known to ruthlessly do to my heroes).
This the first and only time I have ever written in the first person. Just under 100 people have read this story to date (for various reasons) and not one has had any remarks, positive or negative, about the voice, so I'm inclined to leave what ain't broke alone. I've had lots of other remarks. One recurring comment is that the "seam" is showing. The first chapter was the entire story when I wrote it in 1989. I expanded to novella in 1999 and finished novel in 2003. The "seam" is from chapter 1 to the rest of the book. Chapter 1 is kind of "tacky science fictiony" - all that seems to be missing from its flavor is a ray gun and silver suit ;) I need to know if this tacky flavor comes through as early as the first 13 lines and if so, should I change it, really? Will that matter? The tone of the story changes twice more, it's almost got 3 "moods" to its 3 parts. The first part is a "run for your life" race against the machines that are going to automatically repair the place after an accidental cave-in. The mid-section occurs in a sealed room where the gang is waiting out the "reconstruction" and the last section is set "on the other side of the world" (outside the underground city, in Madrid). I don't flat out say this is the planet Earth--I don't think....maybe I do. I say we're reading about humans, that much I'm sure of, and I definitely never imply it is any planet other than Earth. If the kitchy sci-fi stuff needs changing, I'd probably want to clarify this is Earth, no surprises, weird worlds is NOT what the story is about, you know?
Based on my reader feedback to date, I do plan to remove 90% or more of the Hebrew since I want to sell to an English-speaking market. I also will try to tone down the preachiness of the mid-section but this story is *supposed* to inspire--and I feel like I must be some kind of evangelist after seeing a few of the responses I've gotten from previous readers. I didn't know I was so faithful. I don't lead a very religious life, trust me! I would flat out shock some religious people I know. I do feel this story was a labor of love, however, a partnership between me and my G-d, and I can't cut out His stuff without ruining mine so I'm not toning down the preaching much. The blatant and never-ending sarcastic humor overruns it all anyway, so I think it will balance in the end.
I would love to have some feedback on the whole novel, if anyone wants to read it. Just email ost@sarahryoffa.com (I sort my books by inbox, thanks)
This is a character story. Dicky is the viewpoint character. Leah started as merely a "love interest" but she's practically a protagonist (though not viewpoing character) in her own right. She goes through as much transformation as Dicky, in other words. It'd be kinda hard to have one without the other, though, wouldn't it?
Have I said enough? Are you sure? Really? Okay, here's 13 lines more for good measure.
ADthanxVANCE!
-sry
* * *
On Second Thought by Sarah R. Yoffa (c) 1989, 1999, 2003. All rights reserved.
I never saw it coming. I had no reason to expect anything unusual to happen that day. It was just another Sunday, from the moment I got out of bed—or rather, fell out of bed. And with a thud, I might add. I’d cursed my bruised ego—and my bruised chin—then washed up, dressed and made the bed. Standing next to my bed, I touched my index and middle fingers of one hand to the old book sitting on my night table, then to my lips and laughed at myself for this odd little ritual I did everyday. I had no idea why I did it, really, just something vague from an early childhood memory. I grabbed my long overcoat, pockets still packed from working the previous night, and took one last look around my dingy little one-room flat. It wasn’t a luxurious home, to be
You can't call something it without saying what it is first - or immediately after. Teasing us will only frustrate us, it will not entice us to want to know what "it" is.
[This message has been edited by pantros (edited December 09, 2005).]
posted
I like the attitude. Beyond that, what pantros said: don't torture your readers -- if you're going to refer to "it," tell us what "it" is! We're more intrigued by being provided with info than by having it denied to us! I'd bet if you told us up front what it was, we'd be hooked.
I really had to stop and think what "it" you both meant! Honestly, I had no idea until I read the first two sentences--twice. And I've read them close to 200 times already, I'm sure.
So how about if the first sentence were simply deleted? Would the rest work for the first 13?
I could see deleting those few words to remove the distraction and not detracting at all from the story. I also confess I am unjustifiably "tied" to the original Chapter 1 since it was the entire story when first-written (cliff-hanger ending and all).
In any case, the "it" so distracting to you here wasn't important enough to warrant headliner billing. I appreciate your pointing that spotlight out to me.
The headliner was intended to be that he was suprised by something which happens after this opening scene--and his reaction to the surprise, which hopefully comes through already as "going to be surprised and not a person who likes surprises...or at least, is embarrassed to get caught being surprised."
posted
I would say (especially for a short story): it isn't that you had an unreferenced "it"; it's that we don't know what the story's about. Tell us! Give us a reason to read.
Something like:
The day that my brother was eaten by evil robot monkeys from outer space, I had no reason to expect anything unusual. It was just another Sunday...
and (IMHO) be sure that the next bit of text is something that furthers your story as well as building character (which I think it's already doing).
posted
I don't mind the "true confession" style story arc and getting out of bed isn't bad for me but I do like to know what you are trying to confess to me.
posted
Hmmm, okay, let's see. First, wbriggs, this is not a short story. I thought I said that :) It's a novel. In fact, it's a very long novel IMO. It's currently running 160,000 words and I'd like to trim 20-30k right off the top. I also want to trim 90% of the "foreign language" (Hebrew transliterated) so I can probably kill both those birds with one stone (or delete session).
Matt Lust, true confession?? Huh?? And "she" or "her"??? Hmmm, it's not CLEAR the MC is a guy??? Wow, you're right. Glad you said that, Matt. The main character is VERY much a guy and you are correct, I do NOT make that clear.
Last but not least, TL 601, yes, it's pretty much central to the story that Dicky gets up and does this stupid ritual of touching the book on his bedside table every morning. At the CORE of the plot is the fact he has "just some vague childhood memory" from another life, no doubt ;-)
So, basically the concensus seems to be "we get Dicky" (except that he's a guy ;-)) "and we like him, but he's not doing anything interesting but being likeable."
quote:I could see deleting those few words to remove the distraction and not detracting at all from the story.
Whenever you can say something like this about part of your text, you should delete the part in question.
If something doesn't need to be in the story, get rid of it. It will make the text cleaner, at the very least, and it may help it to be clearer as well.
I think you're confusing my posts on your different stories.
On this story I said I don't mind true confessions because in my mind "I never saw it coming" means the speaker is about to give us a "true confession" of events that have already transpired for he/she/it but events that the reader is at best tangentially aware of. I just wanted to know more about what the speaker never saw coming
Where as my post on the other story dealt with He/she issues.
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