This is a time-travel paradox and romantic comedy. I've been informed by some other online writers' groups that this doesn't have enough science to be science fiction. Hmmm, maybe, but the claim that it is at best "romance in a time-travel story" is a little far-fetched. I put way too much mathematical discussion of Einstein's Theory of Relativity in here for it to be entirely disconnected to SF...well, okay, it's SOFT SF. I don't explain how time travel works ;-) Just discuss the question of what happens when you loop through time and make changes to your "known" reality.

It was written with the deliberate intention of poking fun at (1) the writing industry in general and (2) physicists/researchers. I was working for nuclear physicists at the time and the story idea came from a dear friend who was then Head of the Chemistry Dept at my university.

The time-travel element is a sort of backwards grandfather clause: rather than asking what happens if you go back and kill your grandfather, it asks, what if you go back and DON'T kill someone who died the first time around? Can you still have your future?

It was written in the first person, which I really don't feel comfortable in (despite my other post, OST, being well-done in the first person), so I've been converting it to third person limited. I've done the edit in the below, after the fact of copying/pasting here, and now the first 13 lines don't *precisely* match the end of the 2nd paragraph. Darn. I'd thought it was so perfect when they did. Oh well. Maybe it still does? I've done another edit inline. Let's see.

Enjoy and let me know if anyone wants to read the whole thing.

-sry

AT THE RIGHT PLACE, IN THE WRONG TIME
By Sarah R. Yoffa
(22,400 words)

She looked over the top of her coffee cup at the man on the other side of the table. The coffee was lukewarm now, but she blew on it absently, nonetheless. She had to say something about the previous night, but she was still trying to believe it had happened. Malene Karsten been sucked in by Lucien Reynard's good looks the first time she'd met him, just like every other woman in the office. In Malene's case, Lucien hadn't even acknowledged that she was alive, and that was just fine by Malene. Better than fine.

It had worked out well when he had ignored her. She could work for him without a guilty conscience when her work continually garnered notice. And it did. She already had a stack of awards to her credit, but after last night, how was she ever going to be taken seriously again?

Let me also clarify that I don't need to know as much in first 13 as if it were a short story -- as in, I don't need to get the point of the story right now, although it's OK; that's on the blurb -- but I want to understand what I *do* get.

I also think that getting names out right away and starting with action not after the fact description is more intriguing

Some tense dialogue or other action would liven up the scene and much of the expository information could be presented through it. "She had to say something about the previous night..." -- so have her say it.

As for your other comments, first off, you have enough writing experience that you should be challenging yourself, not taking the easy path. Leave it in first person and make it work that way. You obviously thought first person was the right voice or you wouldn't have started it that way. Go with your instinct and finish it that way.

In the last three months, I've written good stories in third limited, first, and omniscient. You have to work on them to get comfortable with them, and as a writer you must be comfortable with them because sometimes a story demands to be told a certain way.

The lukewarm coffee detail, while visceral, does nothing but put off the scene and take up space in your precious first 13.

Hmm. I had never thought of someone being 'sucked in' by good looks before. Smitten, yes. Driven to distraction, yes. Having one's heart made all a-twitter, yes. But sucked in?

May I also suggest that you avoid telling us all kinds of things about your work when you are posting your 13. I understand the feeling - we are all self-conscious and want to justify and explain our work. I've done it myself. But readers browsing in the bookstore won't have all that info. So you are tainting us as critiquers by giving us information the reader won't have. That isn't helpful to you. Just give us a word count, the genre (or combo of genres) and any specific requests you have for us regarding feedback.

Edited to say: So I don't sound like a wrist-slapper, I'll say that I learned this the hard way myself, and am just passing on mistake-earned wisdom.

If the text is weak, the text is weak.

As to actualy critiquing howver, the use of pronouns is very akward. Sry your use 'she' as MC which I sort of get (And I guess Malene is the MC's name and luciene is the He). But in the second paragraph you throw around he and she like I should know these people from Adam.

Additionally, the second paragraph starts with "It had worked out well..." I have to read one more sentence to see what "it" is and all I get is the generic "work". What kind of work? Then i learn she's happy if she gets "noticed," is it worth being noticed for? She gets awards which is cool but then again so do porn stars.

As for telling us what actually happened the previous night...I understood what that was by the second sentence. But that's just me. Some readers might not pick up on it, and therefore your description may need to be a little more detailed. But that's your call. It's your story, after all.

I agree with previous statements that the fourth sentence sounds a bit...awkward (for lack of a better word). Something about it didn't quite mesh with the previous three lines. The second paragraph was fine, in my opinion, other than being a little bland. I loved the sentence where Malene blows on her coffee, since I can relate to having absentmindedly done that. It made the story come alive (for me, at least).

If you could make the rest of this intro as action-oriented (though perhaps not in the usual sense of 'action'), I think it would function much better.

In conclusion, I had no trouble reading the intro. I wasn't really 'kicked out' by anything, structurally and/or stylistically speaking. I just think there needs to be more urgency here. More life or death. Or, in this case, what the main character perceives as life or death, regardless of whether it is so.

Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

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Sojoyful: you shouldn't feel too bad. I always skip background info and or refuse to let someone explain their story to me prior to my reading it.

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Then, um...let me strike what I said before. Instead: I never make any mistakes! I've never ever done that before, ever! How dare you insinuate such a thing?

I like the coffee but am not tied to it other than emotionally/personally. The story needs what the story needs, not what Sarah needs. I have my coffee here, next to my computer :) I have no issue with changing the very first "she" (first word, actually) to "Malene Karsten" and not keeping anyone in hazy confusion. Definitely, my desire was for you to lock onto Malene so I'll name her up front.

I see I got mixed reactions about the voice (third person, first person) and the pace (22K versus 2k are different paces, after all but this is 13 lines still). I *do* like action m'self and this *is* supposed to be a lively story, not a sit by the fire and drowse story, so how's this?

The two of them are about to have some random conversation (which I can cut easily enough though it makes us think of Lucien as a louse before the next thing happens) and then Lucien suddenly drops dead on Malene's kitchen floor. Shall I start the story there? Lucien's sudden, (apparently) inexplicable death on her kitchen floor is definitely the moment (such as it is in a time-travel story) when Malene's life changes. Opening with a dead body is always fun and a naked dead body on a kitchen floor all the more fun.

What do you think?

Seeing the remarks so far, I think I just started the story in the wrong place. Not sure about the voice, though..will have to see how I feel as I try to "force" it from first to third person...Spaceman you may be right. It may need to be first person. I just don't like it as much. Too limiting, you know?

What I wanted to know is whether this was the "he" a manager of a supermarket hitting on and picking up the young cashier ("she").
Or was the "he" more of a Madison Avenue Ad Agency Director who finally broke down the barriers of the young headstrong but brilliant Ad Designer "she".

Because for me knowing this changes my sympathy and expectations for the character.

Ahhh, good catch. In fact, one particular point of the story is Lucien's careless regard *because* he's rich and *can* - Yeah, he owns a NYC magazine; Malene is a journalist. No, I didn't put EITHER of those points in there. Yes, I should have. Thanks!! It does set the stage better, doesn't it? Giving NYC would also pretty much SET the stage, literally, too. Lots of pieces missing on this.

Anyone else? I'll wait a few more days. All of this critiquing has gotten my brain working enough I have yet another story started!! I'm loving this!

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I guess my age has influenced my writing finally. I "came of age" sexually in an era BEFORE the idea of casual sex as a death sentence hit.
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I'm glad at least *one* person can "get" these two people just had sex. Come on!! I wasn't *that* oblique.

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Ahem. *chooses not to be offended* Well, in a way, yes you were. You didn't give us ANY setting at all, except a table. How are we supposed to know that it's morning and they're sitting naked in the kitchen in her/his apartment? Personally, I assumed they were sitting in a coffee shop in the afternoon. Why did I assume that? No particular reason. It's just the first thing my brain conjured, and since you presented zero setting to contradict that, my brain ran with it. Age of the reader has nothing to do with it. If you want to stir up a common cultural concept in the mind of the reader, you have to provide enough details for the reader to make the association.

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the pace (22K versus 2k are different paces, after all but this is 13 lines still)

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Regardless of length, the first 13 are important. This thread is a good read on that topic.

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Shall I start the story there?

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I don't think you started in the wrong place, necessarily. My personal inclination would be to start with them talking, but not just 'random' conversation. Every line of dialog is an opportunity for characterization. This brief scene would do a lot to set the scene for who these characters are. Do it efficiently, so that it doesn't take too long, and then suddenly BOOM, he's dead. IMO, that would make an exciting opener. And it could be done in the first 13, too. If you start right when he falls down dead, I wouldn't know anything about him, or their relationship and conflict, or how she feels about him.

Regarding which PoV to use, I suggest you write it in the PoV in which it wants to be written. That is, which PoV does the story best lend itself to? What feels the most natural for this particular story? If 3rd person limited feels forced to you, that's a clue.

Definitely will try to avoid the cover letter from now on ;-) And sojoyful, you are a most diligent critiquer, for which I thank you most deeply. <bows>