posted
Hi there. I've been working on this story for about a month now, and I have three chapters done, with a total of 8,880 words right now. The first 13 lines don't give much detail, so if you want to read more..Email me. 'White' is about a man who was found to have killed several people in his house, and then suffered amnesia. It's a sci-fi, psychological kind of story, inside of his mind.
--- I was already awake, and talked to Wilfred, at just after seven in the morning. It was Saturday; sun was streaming through my barred windows. I assume the bars were there so that they couldn’t come in, but my servants only forced a laugh when I asked.
‘So, my dear friend, do we have an understanding?’ Wilfred spoke slowly, and looked intently at my face, studying my features. We were sitting on my cot, but he was sitting straight as a board, completely ignoring the wall behind him that he could have easily leaned up against. He was odd like that.
I opened my mouth to reply, but I heard the lock on my door click to the ‘open’ position. I motioned for Wilfred to hide
--- I've replaced the original opening paragraph I posted with the following 13 lines. It makes more sense then the first paragraph did.
[This message has been edited by Sieger (edited December 14, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Sieger (edited December 14, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Sieger (edited December 14, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 15, 2005).]
posted
My problem with this is that I don't feel like i know more about it at the end than at the beginning. I *think* he's crazy. I'm not sure if he's arrogant, but it crossed my mind. I don't know who the white-clad servants are.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I'm not sure if we're allowed to reply to our own threads, but that was part of my dilemma. You don't learn anything in my first thirteen lines. I wished I could have posted more, but I followed the rules. Should I have skipped that paragraph, and gone onto the next paragraph of the story?
Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Perhaps this isn't the best way to begin your story - perhaps if you reworked it in a way that conveyed more a sense of who the character was, it would be more compelling.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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It isn't that you didn't provide a lot of information in a short space. It's that you were planning to put off the explanation until later; but readers want to know now (at least, I do).
Your new version is much improved. You might refer to the servants as interns, or otherwise comment so that we know it's an asylum. I like this imaginary-friend deal.
You'll need to cut the fragment to 13 lines (in 12 pt font, 1" margins).
posted
Your first 13 should end with the words "For some reason, my"
I am in complete agreement with wbriggs about the 13. They thread is the 'authoritative source' on first 13s!
The writing's not bad. I'm not feeling hooked because there's no conflict. Ok, a guy sitting in a room talking to another guy. (Is it true that it's an imaginary friend? That didn't come through for me.)
Sure, Wilfred asks if they have an agreement, but that's not conflict. For all I know, they just agreed to meet this afternoon at Pierre's for coffee and buscuits. You don't know us how the MC feels about this agreement. Is he excited about it? Frightened? Angry? Did he just agree to kill somebody and he's resolved himself to it? What?
I'm sure that by the use of they in the first paragraph you were trying to be ominous, but it wasn't ominous to me, it was annoying. Who is he talking about? The servants? If the text is confusing, a reader won't want to read on. (ie, don't answer this question with a post to the thread. The point is for me to get the information I need as a reader from the text itself.)
So, no egregious errors (except for 'they'). But I'm not hooked.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited December 15, 2005).]
posted
Sojoyful: I read that thread in wbriggs thread..It seems the general consensus is that if it's a short story, the first thirteen lines should sum up what it'll be about. I'm at 16 pages right now, and three chapters long. I plan on at least seven chapters in the story. I answer questions on whats going on later in the chapter, which I guess is my writing style..I use the questions to progress the story and get the reader's attention. I guess it depends on the reader, if people will like it or not.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
By withholding pertinent information you actually detract from the conflict rather than increase the effect. We don't read on to find answers (unless this is a mystery-type story) we read on to see how the protagonist faces his problems. And to do this we need to know pretty much what he does.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
How on earth did you get the impression from that thread that the first 13 should summarize the entire story?
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I wouldn't say it's a mystery-like story, but the story's told from the perspective of Nathaniel, the MC, who doesn't remember anything that happened before he came to the asylum. He doesn't know it's an asylum, so the reader doesn't know it's an asylum. The entire story is from his view, so you don't see or learn anything that he doesn't see or learn.
[This message has been edited by Sieger (edited December 16, 2005).]
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