posted
genre is soft SF (multiple personality disorder would be the closest science at play) Story ends when personality is "unified." Did I start the story in the right place? I only have about 800 words right now, hope it will be in the 5000-7500 range when completed. Not looking for readers right now (as it's not done ;-))
Off to read the new 10 F&F in return! Thanks!
-sry
WHEN MINDS COLLIDE By Sarah R. Yoffa (5000-7500 words)
You killed me! You deserved it...for Rebecca. She never loved you. She was my wife. Was that her fault?
He blinked against the light. It was too bright to fully open his eyes but he tried anyway. The voices were silenced by the light. Or maybe the pain in his eyes just drowned them out. He tried to focus and noticed his eyelashes were reflecting the light back at him. Blonde? I have blonde hair? No, I don't. God, why can't I think straight? He pressed his eyes shut again and tried to sit up. The effort translated into only a twitch of his head against the surface supporting him. His heart rate picked up in a fear reflex. Why can't I move? He breathed in through his mouth deeply, slowly, consciously focusing on steadying his heartrate as he exhaled. It worked.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 15, 2005).]
posted
This beginning has similar problems with some of the other intros you have posted -- namely the lack of a character name and the choice of the beginning scene.
This is a jumble of thoughts which is difficult for a reader to sort through. It comes perilously close to the cliched opening of waking up from a (bad) dream and makes the reader work to gain understanding, which most readers will not want to bother with.
posted
Change the title first, I can't even read the story with that title. It makes me think of when worlds collide. Turns me away, be original.
Posts: 78 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I decided to not try to make sense of the opening italics - nowhere to go...? The fragment itself is OK if you mean to convey a MC who is fighting to regain his sanity, if he's not...I've lost it . The piece is cut off at the point where the writer could have allowed the reader insight into the actual situation the MC was in, a shame... Best Wishes John Mc...
posted
This beginning is a bit confusing, I do agree, but I don't have a problem with not knowing the MC's name right off the bat. I've seen many other authors do that before and it has never bothered me.
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posted
I don't know where you are going with your Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), which is actually the clinical name.
The cause of your character's DID is not obvious in this 13 line fragment. As a word of caution: Just be aware that DID is most often a result of chronic, severe, and prolonged childhoood abuse. It isn't triggered by a chemical imbalance in the mind, genetics, nor by a birth defect. Your readers may be aware of the causes of DID, so bluffing wouldn't be a good idea.
Unless your character has been made to have a pseudo-multiple personality disorder through artificial means (drugs, some sort of sci-fi technology, handwavium, etc.), you will need to be sure to do your research about this disorder and its causes. DID results in dissociative amnesia, meaning the host is often unaware of the alternate personalities, or what they say or do. If she/he IS aware of them, she feels disassociated, like she is viewing herself from afar, or like she's being controlled by someone else. DID is an extreme facet of PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I make this comment because your 13 DOES indicate the character has been hearing voices. Don't confuse DID with schizophrenia, which often manifests in "hearing voices" or paranoia and hallucinations. Schizophrenia IS a chemical imbalance that can be treated with medication. It also seems to run in families, so there is a genetic component at work. There is research suggesting a virus might trigger this disorder.
Haven't been on for about a month, busy with life, you know? Sadly, life does interfere with social interests like writing, but I'm glad I stopped in during one of my now-rare forays online. Elan--THANK YOU for your great post:
quote: ...Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), which is actually the clinical name. The cause of your character's DID is not obvious in this 13 line fragment. As a word of caution: Just be aware that DID is most often a result of chronic, severe, and prolonged childhoood abuse. It isn't triggered by a chemical imbalance in the mind, genetics, nor by a birth defect.{...} Unless your character has been made to have a pseudo-multiple personality disorder through artificial means {...}
As a matter of fact :)
Turns out, the character doesn't really have DID or even schizophrenia. This isn't that kind of story. The story is set in a world where this small group of people have figured out how to--let's call it "copy" your personality into a new body (cloning is not the focus, eugenics is in the setting, but using cloned bodies as receptacles for oneself, sort of a shortcut to immortality--a story which has been done what, a dozen times?) This one guy's body is umm, damaged (how is part of the mystery of *this* story) and his "copy" of himself ends up being tossed into a body with a "copy" of someone else who was--by some happy coincidence of AuthorConvenience in thinking up this story idea 20 years ago, killed at the same time and under the same circumstances. In fact, one guy killed the other one as a resolution to a love triangle but neither one knew or expected to wake up in a body with company.
The "multiple personalities" are literally two different people. The guy's challenge (or rather, guys' plural possessive) will be to figure out how to live with each other inside the one head or ...basically, go insane.
Also, I had no idea how *right on the mark* I was...regarding your following caution:
quote: DID results in dissociative amnesia, meaning the host is often unaware of the alternate personalities, or what they say or do. If she/he IS aware of them, she feels disassociated, like she is viewing herself from afar, or like she's being controlled by someone else
Wow, once more I lucked out. I had yet to do any research into indicative behaviors (which I do want to emulate, actually) but I have the guys taking turns "at the controls" and forgetting or not remembering or being confused by "detached" memories they can't figure out because "I would never do that" (but the other guy would)
It's an interesting little foray into how enemies might learn to live with one another--literally.
I *really* appreciate your passing on the URLs for me to research. I have a lot of research to do for the science end of this story but the concept is pretty well laid out and the characters are long-since developed; they're in 5 or 6 other stories already written and I've been *wanting* to write the backfill story of how this character (the one "they" become in the end of *this* story) came into being. The rest of my series is missing this hole...might be missing for a while longer but I'm going to write this story eventually. :)
-sry
[This message has been edited by sry (edited January 23, 2006).]
posted
I agree that the first 13 lines are confusing. Some clarity there would help a lot. I don't agree that it's necessary for a character's name to be introduced right off the bat. I like an unconventional approach.
I think it has potential with the right amount of attention to it.
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