posted
2380 words, SF. This one went to WotF (unsuccessfully), and some other major markets. I think it kicks ass. Apparently it doesn't. I'll take comments on the full thing or part.
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In the Mtale archipelago, on the world of Flaxius, the islanders tolerated Modularitech prospectors, as social imbeciles; and the prospectors tolerated the islanders as quaint primitives. Only Gustav, a chemical engineer for Modularitech, tried to bridge the gap, by socializing with the locals. He was sure they thought he was funny. He could live with it.
He was at another seaweed tasting, hosted by the village's chief priest Haleamu. The Honorable Haleamu's home was not only out in the harbor -- where all the better homes were, so connoisseurs could keep live fish in baskets under the floor -- but at the edge furthest out, where a continuing current kept the barnacles fresh and well-fed and happy, and Haleamu
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 19, 2005).]
posted
I like the way you described Flaxius, it was short but very rich in details, most importantly, the right details. It gives me a sense of place right away.
By telling me Gustav tried to make friends with the locals (even if most of his people wouldn't) you've given me a nice idea of what Gustav might be like. A nice beginning character-wise, in my opinion.
I don't know what is going to happen yet but I like to read it. There's a catch though. I'm in a similar situation as Beth is. I have absolutely no idea when I can get back to you.
If you're okey with that then by all means send it to me.
MG
Oh and, I didn't find anything wrong with the piece.
posted
Honestly I struggled to read through sections of this. The setting is interesting but the structure is a little disjointed.
The first paragraph has, at times, a somewhat, choppy, fragmented feel, I think. Cut those commas out, you don't need them. Slight overload on the exotic sounding nouns in the first sentence also. Not sure I understand *they thought he was funny* and *he could live with it*? Is it bad that they thought he was funny?
Kinda picky here, but the village's chief priest...dadada... is the village Mtale or unnamed? The village is probably not the name of the archipelago although it could be. That second sentence in the second parapraph could probably read better as two individual ones.
Last thing I noticed was a lot of "It", maybe you could find other words for some of these. Overuse of "it" and "things" always bugs me, but that's my problem!
[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited December 19, 2005).]
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Uh...what? Very hard to pronounce the place names and such...I didn't follow the opening very well. The rest was fine though.
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
I didn't like the first paragraph. It is just background and drags out the opening. Now if you started with the second paragraph, I think it would flow well from the start--add the background in later when I need to know.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
If you want to send it I'll get back to you by next week. A lil busy but I'll have some time later this week (I hope).
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Just chiming in to say I felt the same as Omakase almost word for word what he said. Interesting world but felt disjointed. The names coupled with Modularitech was an overload and the sentences seem too long and convoluted. I also didn't understand what a 'social imbecile' was. Do you mean 'socially backward', 'slow' or 'retarded'? They all mean similar things, but 'imbecile' does not. It just seems like the wrong word to me.
I think the first line would read better without 'Modularitech', just call them prospectors. Introduce the company name in the next instance when we are not trying to come to terms with rapid-fire xeno-names.
"Expectations arising from the opening"
I like the villager's names, they sound like a modified Malayo-polynesian. (This is reinforced with the seaweed tasting). Of course 'Flaxius' sounds romance/latin as in "Flavius Josephus" so it has a slight judaeo-christian flavour. It could also have the connotation of 'flax' as in flaxen-haired which works together with the name 'Gustav'.
So in my mind you are setting up a demarcation between the company folk and the indigenous folk using cultural stereotypes. Considering the setting, I'm guessing that this is deliberate. It will be interesting to see whether these stereotypes (hard working, cold, socially isolated, German corporate types vs the warm, social, easygoing but quick tempered, male hierarchical, Malayo-polynesian types) will be confirmed or subverted by the work ethics, values and social structure displayed by the relevant characters.
So in a nutshell, I will be looking for the stereotypes to be turned on their head, all shook up and finally for the charatcers to be reconciled, probably in the pursuit of a common aim. I would hate for one character to 'convert' from one stereotype to another. Rather, I would hope to see the character come to an internal compromise choosing the best from each and fusing them into a new, personal culture.
I am having trouble getting through the critiques I currently have, but if you can wait a little for a response I would like to read it.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited December 19, 2005).]
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"X_: Could you clarify what it was about the opening you didn't get? Was it just that "Mtale" and "Flaxius" are hard to say, or was there more? " "In the Mtale archipelago, on the world of Flaxius, the islanders tolerated Modularitech prospectors, as social imbeciles; and the prospectors tolerated the islanders as quaint primitives." Well,...I didn't get a lot of the wording, like archipelago, and Modularitech. And I didn't really understand what you were trying to convey with that first sentence...everything else is fine, though.
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
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wbrigs, I'd like to read your piece. Please email it. Your first 13 give me a good sense of the sea and its bountiful harvest. I can picture the fish swimming under the boat houses. I want to hear more about the seaweed tasting.
Posts: 136 | Registered: Nov 2005
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The only thing I would add is that you could probably do without the interjection between dashes. Would it add more colour and successfully explain the utility of the homes built over water to have the host pull a live fish from a basket under the floor later in the narrative?
posted
hoptoad: I had much the same expectation that you did from the opening. It doesn't quite work out that way.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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I can only say, that I feel disjointed, as I read this. Too long of sentences, which to me don't get to the point soon enough. I would try re-wording alot of them, the first one in particular, but all of them could be tightened up a bit. Your trying to hard to cram every bit of pertinent info right there up front, and while that may work for some, it seems just ackward to me.
Also, nothing seems to be going on, it is almost all exposition, with no characters to attach it to. You mention Gustav, but none of this is his persective, it's all narrator. He wouldn't think of himself as a social imbecile, but hey, that is all just in my onw preferences of what is interesting.
To me, it's really not the world, the mileu, that I care about. Its the characters, and this isn't written from anyone but a narrator standpoint, so I can't care about the details.
[This message has been edited by eclectic skeptic (edited December 20, 2005).]
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...and I still value the comment, because it tells me what my readers are like.
Side issue: I had the same thing in a short piece I turned in for a class. The last line was meant to be funny:
"I like having my ears rubbed," [the dog] said. "But don't get maudlin."
The 2 people in the class who knew what "maudlin" meant laughed. The 12 that didn't looked confused. Much as I love the word "maudlin," I get the point: I'd better use "mushy" if I want them to get it.[/side issue]
posted
In the Mtale archipelago, on the world of Flaxius, the islanders tolerated Modularitech prospectors, as social imbeciles; and the prospectors tolerated the islanders as quaint primitives. Only Gustav, a chemical engineer for Modularitech, tried to bridge the gap, by socializing with the locals. He was sure they thought he was funny. He could live with it. He was at another seaweed tasting, hosted by the village's chief priest Haleamu. The Honorable Haleamu's home was not only out in the harbor -- where all the better homes were, so connoisseurs could keep live fish in baskets under the floor -- but at the edge furthest out, where a continuing current kept the barnacles fresh and well-fed and happy, and Haleamu
I agree with…somebody earlier. You don’t need that first paragraph. The second one is more interesting. You do need…well…the second paragraph you could put in the “Gustav, a chemical engineer for ModularTech” I think dropping the “i” and captalizing the “T” would make the company name far easier to read without changing the idea of it.
You could drop the last part, too, “but at the edge….” And replace it with dialogue. Have Haleamu open the fish trap, haul out something exotic and explain about the current…that sort of thing. It would give a more “scene” feel to the opening. I do like your ideas, well-fed barnacles and a seaweed tasting, that sort of inventive stage props.
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