1. I switched the sound on, typed in my password and thought, "This is it. This is my morning of glory, my chance to prove myself to /them/." In, and out. In, and out. I relaxed my breathing and mentally prepared myself for the upcoming event, the extremely important match with Ren & her party; and held the silver necklace that was given to me by my mother...
I slipped on my virtual reality visor; and my character, Tsukiko, came into focus. Her slender figure stood, and began to walk towards the door towering over the other objects in the room. The bright light of outside came into view, although there were a few clouds out in the sky. Her small sandals crunched in the snow. "Uh-oh," she thought. "my HP level

Alright, that was my first one, and here's my second. :P

2.I sheathed my sword and watched as my opponents' lifeless bodies began to slowly fade away. Without another thought, I turned around and began to walk in the opposite direction.
"Aren't you going to open those chests?"
I looked around until I found who was speaking (not an easy thing to do in an MMORPG). The speaker was a small girl with a fairly simple character design - the all-too-common bikini top and wrap-around skirt. It was hard to walk around anywhere in this game without seeing that outfit. Her hair was long, wavy and blonde, another common attribute to most female players avatars. Her weapon was a simple dagger, hardly useful when trying to take down multiple foes, and a small leather shield accompanied it, another thing that would be of no help in even

There. :P

Okay, so you can just post the number of your favourite, I guess. :P

Oh, and constructive critisism is always welcome!

Thanks!

{Edited to fix an error. =o}

[This message has been edited by x__sockeh__x (edited December 20, 2005).]

One continuity problem in the first part: your MC puts on a VR helmet, which most people would assume means they're experiencing in-game visuals directly. However, his/her character/avatar then comes into focus, implying a third person view that follows the character from outside. This doesn't fit for me. It's definitely possible, but I would think VR helmets would be used primarily with games that put you into the first person/FPS view.

The first seemed to flow much better and kept my attention. It built tension whereas the second one seemed bogged down in game detail. Your MC is jaded and condescending, unconcerned with the loot. This is typical in a game, but it's hard to gain an interest in a character when right off the bat they are unimpressed with everything surrounding them in the opening sequence.

In short, the second part belongs to a later part of the narrative, if you keep it at all

Overall, I thought it was well done aside from some mechanical problems, but I'll let others point those out.

Oh, I might want to add, (and I should have mentioned this before, I know. :P) but these stories are two different stories. They don't have anything to do with each other (apart from the fact that they're both in an MMORPG). The characters have no relation whatsoever. :P Just thought that might help you guys out. :P

I found this awkward: "...the extremely important match with Ren & her party; and held the silver necklace that was given to me by my mother..." The transition with the semi-colon just doesn't work. First off, the part after it isn't an independent sentence. It doesn't even seem to fit with the first part of the sentence. Does holding the necklace help her prepare somehow? What's the significance of it? Just say so up front. (And why the ellipses?)

Another thing. I recommend changing the direct thoughts of Tsukiko into narrative. For one thing, it's confusing. Can Tsukiko think independently of the first person MC? It would seem so, because you used "she thought", but that doesn't really make sense. For another, it sounds forced. Where as your narrative sounds natural up to that point, so I assume it would come off better in that form.

All in all, nice writing style, especially in the second opening. That's probably why I liked it better.

EDIT: I know it seems necessary to throw in emoticons for every sentence, since we can't see you type it. But, and this is just personal advice, take it or leave it, less is more. Treat your writing on the forum like character dialogue. You don't need to write narrative to describe the way a character looks during each sentence they speak for the reader to understand their mood and tone. Over-use of emoticons tends to be a sign of a younger person. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

Write the real world actions, i.e. pressing the keys, taking a bite of pizza, a sip of beer and what not.

Then follow that paragraph with one that shows the ingame results of those actions.

Bob adjusted his visor and rapidly typed on his keyboard, pausing momentarilly to gulp down a sip of coke and a bit of greasy cold pizza.

Then follow this with a detailed result of what happened in the game.

Or you could even expand on that and have a chapter that dealt with his real world actions and then in a following chapter how those actions are parraleled in the virtual environment.