posted
This is not my cup of tea, but I'm mildly interested to know what's so special about the old womans voice. The first line is not a bad hook.
However, the similie is suspect...do coins evaporate?? I don't think so.
I stumbled also on the third line, maybe its me (I'm tired today) but it seems too fragmented and doesn't flow. I would restructure and drop some the commas.
posted
First line’s good. But I think you can cut the entire second paragraph. That paragraph gives us nothing that we can’t get from the 5th paragraph. And… the 2nd is awkward, has that bad simile of the coins evaporating, and does get away from the point of the (who?) coming to plead with the old woman.
3rd P doesn’t work because I can’t imagine people coming and saying “The” need is desperate. We need you. The crops are burning. Whatever the problem is is surely going to be stated more forcefully. In fact, I think you could make it better by not using quotes at all but paraphrasing their plea. That way the "The" could work after all.
The need was desperate, They pleaded with her. “I have no voice,” she replied.
Or something vaguely like that only better.
Now the inside is a bit confusing but I think what comes next will fix that and without the 2nd paragraph you have room to do so.
Hmmm…and I’m not quite certain if the silence that no song could pierce was in her then or only now that she’s old.
posted
I liked the first line, too, but I expected an immediate explanation of who they are and why she cried. After that, each sentence told me other things. It's maddening. I want to know the story, and I'm not getting it; instead, more unanswered questions.
In what sense was her life gone? What lies and air was it spent on? What need is it that's desperate?
Tell us up front, and I'll be hooked, I'm sure of it.
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