For nearly 100,000 years it had plunged headlong towards a distant, alien destination that probably didn’t exist anymore. Still, the ship could only obey the last orders it had been given. Leaving behind the bustle of the home world, along with the warm light of the sun, the ship had arced gracefully above the galactic gravity well to the opposite spiraling arm of this galaxy. At the edge of the spinning hub, away from the fierce radiation of the Core, was the destination 99,750 light years distant: Wolfe-Steward 3. Here, in the light of a binary star system, was a collection of planets that could possibly sustain human life.
Major point: I don't know why the starship is going to the star system. Just tell us!
Minor points: a star on the far side of the galaxy is unlikely to be named Wolfe-Steward 3. The names suggest discovery by amateur astronomers. Their ethnicity suggests near future, when Europe and US (plus Japan) dominate amateur astronomy.
Above the galactic gravity well: I'm not sure what that means.
Why would the star system not exist any more? I don't know anything that could destroy one. Or is it some building? A mountain range? What is it?
---
The starship was old.
For nearly 100,000 years it had plunged headlong towards a distant, alien destination that probably didn’t exist anymore: THE SITE OF THE DARK LORD'S ENERGY CACHE. Still, the ship could only obey the last orders it had been given, TO SEEK IT OUT. Leaving behind ...
Are there people on this ship? Well, not necessarily people, but some sort of lifeform? If they're humans, well, they cant really live for 100,000 years, and possibly another 100,000 more. Another lifeform might be able to, but if that's what you're using, tell us more about them. For now I'm just sitting here and wondering, did the crew die? And if they did, that was pretty much a suicide mission. What are they going to get out of that?
posted
My biggest question is: Are there people on this ship? Well, not necessarily people, but some sort of lifeform? If they're humans, well, they cant really live for 100,000 years, and possibly another 100,000 more.
Well, it is a valid question, however I gather that you don't need to know that in the first 13. I guess Nevyan will clear that up shortly. As it is, it makes me want to read more to find out and that's all the first 13 have to accomplish.
posted
I like it. The first thirteen lines provide a good hook. Out of curiosity, is this something that is complete at 11,300 words? Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2005
| IP: Logged |
This is the hook for me. The prior paragraph is (yawn) standard sci-fi fare. But I would want to know more about a ship that has an emotion, like hope.
I will post shortly (tomorrow, perhaps?) the next 13 lines of this story. I feel that the first page and one half sum up the situtation that the ship is in.
It also makes for a nice bit of suspense.
Are there people on this ship?
I could give away a good deal of the opening by answering this question. So I will say this:
I take a different approach to human travel among the stars.
Is the story done at 11,300 words?
I re-read the story and have found parts I don't like... well, that I think I could do better at. So I will probably re-edit a portion here and there.
Of course is an author ever really sure that a story is 'done.'
quote:I will post shortly (tomorrow, perhaps?) the next 13 lines of this story.
Hmmm. I wouldn't recommend you do that. I suspect it violates the 13 line rule, which is a strict regulation on this board.
The point of posting your first 13, and only your first 13, is to give a sample of your work. If you would like additional feedback on the remainder of the piece, the proper procedure is to ask for readers. Then you email the whole piece to them, and they critique offline.
posted
if you wanna send it my way I will take a look, if your looking for readers. I think the first thirteen is just about right, I don't need to know everything there is to know about everything in this story, or else why continue to read? But find a happy medium, give us a hint as too why this starship is doing what it is doing. No need to be too vague, just don't pile it all on at once. BTW: some have said that they want to know why this starship is doing what it is doing, but I think you have left us almost enough to be able to figure that out by the context. It seems this is a mission to save humanity, to find another home, it is a colony ship. But as yet I can only guess, so the hook for me is to continue on to find out if my guess is correct.
[This message has been edited by eclectic skeptic (edited December 28, 2005).]
posted
I agree with the eclectic skeptic. If people want to know more about why the ship is doing what it's doing, whether it has people on it, etc., then it means your hook is working!
I liked "The ship could only hope" as well. The hook is great! But the middle paragraph seemed "stuffy" somehow... let me try to think out loud here and figure out what I mean by "stuffy."
"Distant, alien destination" seemed like too many words to get the point across. Either "distant" or "alien" would suffice. The "leaving behind" sentence seems like a good candidate for cutbacks as well. I know this may sound nitpicky, but if you can use fewer words to convey the same information and emotion, the narrative will deliver a lot more "punch." You want the first 13 to have impact!
I agree that a named star, so distant, is a bit hard to swallow - at least, in our reality. And the name does indeed suggest this is our reality.
Cool first 13. I get a sense of loneliness, duty, and a little anxiety. I'm not confused at all about what's going on. Nicely done!
I had a friend take the Evil Red Pen to this story over the weekend. At the same time I swallowed my pride and took a similar Evil Red Pen to it. After some hard work and discussion I have decided to shelve this story for a short while.
In the meantime I am going to tackle writing the whole long continuation story as a series of connected short stories (think OSC's Worthing Saga). I do not know the outcome of this but I hope it will convey to the reader more of the emotion and despair that I think the story potentially has.
This may take a few weeks to hammer out but hopefully I will have some people willing to give the short stories a read.
posted
I'm a bit different from the others that posted here. First. let me pause to say that I am not a fan of Sci-fi, at least not stuff like this. I like watching the movies but not reading the books. So, there are some things that are beyond me here, above the galatic gravity I don't know what the galatic gravity is but it sounds cool. I don't know how stars are named but Wolfe-Steward 3 sounds cool to me. Radiation and cores I, likewise, will have to defer to others here. So, I won't comment on the plausability of those things.
With that said, I do like what you wrote as it has me interested. It hooked me. I can visualize this gazillion year old spaceship crusing the outerlimits of space like some celestial Flying Dutchman. Where's its people? Were there ever any people? If there were people what happened? What were the orders given it? These are the questions that have me hooked. For me, if these questions were answered in the first 13 lines, then .... phhhhhhttttttt..... I don't have to read the story.
One of my most favorite recent reads was Swarm by Michael Crichton, its been around a while, but you know from the first paragraph that, mannnnn, something just happened that I am glad I am only reading about and not participating in it! I get that feeling with your piece here. Its like, man, if I were on a space ship that ran across that sled I'd definitely not want to be a member of the security team that has to go aboard that thing!
Sure there are somethings that have to be worked out like gravity fault lines or whatever and the naming of stars and polishing up the writing, but I definitely think you got something going here. I will say the two best lines are the first line... The starship was old. and the last line, The ship could only hope. What I would do is start with The ship could only hope. and then leave out the starship was old. Even though I do like the line, I would definitely omit it from the introductive paragraph and maybe use it else where in the book, maybe start the second chapter with it. I would re-write something like....
The ship could only hope. For nearly 100,000 years it had plunged headlong towards a distant, alien destination that probably didn't exist anymore.
I would also re-write .....
Leaving behind the bustle of the home world, along with the warm light of the sun,
I would omit the word bustle, it just doesn't flow smoothly for me. The sentence seems to flow smoother written as...
Leaving behind its own world, along with the warmth of its sun......
posted
There are so many posts about the content of this intro (which I really liked) that I'm just going to talk a little about the writing style.
Using "it" instead of identifying the fact that that we're talking about a ship doesn't add anything to the story for me- and certainly doesn't further the personification of the ship so temptingly alluded to at the end of your post.
If I were revising this intro, I would take a look at all those clauses snuggled between commas. The clauses and the many commas are there because the information is not given in logical order. Below is the sequence of information in the order (not phrasing) that I would present it.
The ship has been heading for 1000,000 toward an alien destination.
The ship left behind its homeworld, its sun, its corner of the galaxy.
The ship doesn't even know if its destination is still in existence, but it has no choice but to obey orders.
And it is sustained on this journey by the hope that it will find a planet that can support human life.
Once again, I really did like this intro, and the last line definitely pulled the reader further into the story.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
