Every single person who has ever been the bearer of bad news has repeated this mantra as a silent prayer. Standing outside the polished cherry wood doors of the Boards conference room for Hammer Industries I repeated those words over and over. Hopefully the old men inside would pick up a subliminal hint and take pity on a wretch like me.
I shuffled over to one of the full-length mirrors in the atrium and gave myself a final once over. It was bad enough to be the key speaker to the Board but to have an untidy appearance… well you could imagine the result.
What a miserable look. Slightly mussed hair, a pudgy stomach and that pasty wax look you get from sunbathing in front of computer monitors.
posted
The first line is perfect. You seem to stumble a bit afterwards, as if you haven't really got a clear idea of how to say what you want to say.
right now, I don't have sympathy for the character. Speeaking to the board looking scruffy? What's his problem? Is he just irresponsible, or are there extenuating circumstances?
posted
So, essentially the opening is "I've got to give a speech and I don't look very good." Oh, and there's bad news somewhere in it. (Insert yawn)
Is this really the place you want to start the story? It's a very mundane setting and there's nothing to grab the reader's attention. Give us some action and skip the forced physical description of the MC.
There's nothing stylistically or grammatically wrong with this opening, but it just doesn't have any zest for me.
posted
I would disagree with Omakase about nothing being wrong with the style of the opening. You'll find that editors shriek in horror to find an opener of someone looking in a mirror and reflecting on their reflection. If the MC's physical description matters to the plot, find a different way to work it in, and NOT in your opening 13 lines.
Example: Main Character to co-worker: Do I look OK? *runs hand through hair* Supporting Character: Geeze, you always look like something the cat dragged in. Can't you at least straighten your tie? And try to wipe that ketchup from lunch off your shirt.
If the MC's physical description doesn't matter at all, leave it out.
I would also beg you to be cautious about offering too many irrelevant details about your setting, like "polished cherry wood doors." If the fact the doors are made of cherry wood factors into the plot, include it. If not, the extraneous detail becomes more of an interruption than a scene-setter. The exact shade (cherry) of the hardwood is irrelevant. The relevant information lies in the idea that the MC is in a wealthy and elegant corporate setting. We get that impression from "polished wood doors."
It's a challenging task to balance pertinent information that establishes a feel for the milieu, versus extraneous information that weakens the impact. Put more trust in your reader to build visual detail in their mind. If you force-feed too much detail to the reader, the writing becomes stilted and too flowery. Use as few adverbs and adjectives as you can without sacrificing the flavor and texture in your story.
This is a skill I think everyone struggles with, to one degree or another.
posted
I'm gonna agree with Will on this one. The narrator is a turn off. Two sentences in particular did it for me. The one Will mentioned above and The whole of the last paragraph.
The voice is simply too unprofessional, too much that of a broken, insecure, person. And, if I wanted to read stuff like that, I'd keep a diary. (jk)
The voice bounces from Pure Omnicient (everyone) to (I) to (you). The way this is presented makes that prefectly acceptable stylistically. We have a familiar first person philosophical narrator. The problem is that we have a depressive familiar first person philosophical narrator. I am reiterating what I already said here.
This is like that whiny friend who always is looking for sympathy and we all avoid without the group to even the load. No one likes a whiner.
If your MC is going to be a whiner, try a less familiar approach to help distance us from them. Humor is the best "spoonful of sugar" if the story requires a whiner. An alernate characters perspective might help.
Now, if you have managed to drudge through all that and are still reading. Everyone here will tell you not to keep secrets. Your second sentence MUST tell us what the bad news is. If the PoV (narrator in this case) character knows something, we know it. Simple. Keeping secrets is like playing mind games with the reader and it should be done only when the reader is experiencing the same mind games as the MC. Readers are the audience, not the victims.
posted
I am going to respectfully disagree with Pantros and say that the bad news doesn't necessarily need to follow in sentence two, or three, or four, even the same paragraph. Heck, as long as it's developed by mid-scene, it'll probably do. Because you're allowed to tease a little in the intro. It depends on the narrator's intent, and I would rather 'hear' the bad news delivered in the board room, so I could get the full reaction from the board members and the narrator's response when it happens, not before or after. Just a personal pref. I like conflict in my stories.
I would also caution to avoid phrases such as "Readers are the audience, not the victims" when responding to someone's fragment, even if you aren't necessarily saying it about the fragment and you mean it as simple advice. It's not nice (though I do like it), could be misconstrued, and could start a lovely flame war where unknown persons search for old fragments posted by the person who said it and throw it back in their face. I wouldn't do it, but I can certainly imagine it happening...
Just something to consider. It should be noted that in the past I did not follow this advice and caused a bit of strife and discontent. You know... don't do what I did.
Besides, try your hand at reading a slush pile for only a week, and then you'll see what being victimized is all about--when clawing your eyes out seems far more attractive than reading a story any longer, that's when you've been victimized.
posted
When you said you had caused some trouble in the past HSO, I was beside myself with curiousity, so I did as you half suggested and went and searched for your posts. I found one conflict in particular that was interesting, by some defiance fellow. I just wanted to comment that I thought you handled yourself very well, and while some of the things you said which started the whole thing were a little ragged on the edges, all in all it was just an over-reaction by that other person. But it did start quite a big discussion! How fun that must hve been! Anyway, that was off the subject.
On to the Review:
I would say that I like the tone, I like what is going on, I feel a little tense for the MC as Im sure you intended. But I felt the POV was just a little vague at first, I think you might try setting it up a little stronger, to make sure that your readers know exactly from whose head we are riding along in. I wasn't sure if it was the Writer as Narrator at first, or if it was the MC as Narrator, and it didn't really clear up till the end of the first paragraph and the beginning of the second. Where such things as 'me' and 'I' crop up to let me know definately who is speaking. Sounds good though once I know whose shoulder it is I am looking over.
posted
I agree with Omakase, in the way of not really being interested. The character description doesn't appeal to me - at all. It turns me off the story right away. And I agree also in the way of not an interesting setting. I guess I don't really have any original advice here, but I hope it helps all the same. =)
Edit: I just noticed something. The MC is outside the doors, then they're in the atrium? Does someone answer the door? Does he go straight on in?
[This message has been edited by x__sockeh__x (edited January 01, 2006).]
posted
As a victim of ADD, I lack the patience to wade through a slow moving story like this. You lost me before I was halfway through.
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