Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Star Drifter

   
Author Topic: Star Drifter
Nevyan
Member
Member # 3093

 - posted      Profile for Nevyan   Email Nevyan         Edit/Delete Post 
Looking for readers on this one. A good yarn along the lines of L'ouis Lamour and maybe even Heinlein and a few others. I hope to expand on this one soon. I also plan on submitting this in early or mid-January to Strange Horizons.

Best,

Nevyan

---

Crystal City is dry. Drier than the Long Desert of Mars in summer and worse yet it’s a true dry town. Sounds funny calling a city a town but truths the truth and there isn’t a drop of ethanol for a ways.

This town is true Frontier land, nothing but saloons, mines and whorehouses. Well off the beaten path except for the battered freighter fliers that stop in for the liquor or the whores. This town is funny like that where they have rotgut whiskey but no clean ethanol for old fliers.

I secured my own flier over by what passes for the church in this dusty heap of a town. No one occupies the building, just the graveyard off to the side, and that a might full too.

---


Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jonny Woopants
Member
Member # 3004

 - posted      Profile for Jonny Woopants   Email Jonny Woopants         Edit/Delete Post 
Would offer to read but I don't feel my eye is sharp enough yet to give a full crit ...I'll give you my first impressions on this snippet though

I like the tone, kinda reminded me of an old sheriff in the wild west- which I guess is the sort of voice you are trying to affect.

I was hooked by the first sentence, but stumbled on the second. Maybe its me but I think it would work better with some puncutation to break it up.

And am I being stupid, but what is a true dry city? why would you refer to a City as a town just because there not a drop of ethanol there? This question sprung to mind when I read it...

[This message has been edited by Jonny Woopants (edited December 30, 2005).]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wbriggs
Member
Member # 2267

 - posted      Profile for wbriggs   Email wbriggs         Edit/Delete Post 
It's a little too much work, but easily fixed. There's the double meaning of dry. There's calling the town "dry" yet it has whiskey. There's the "what passes for a church": well, what _does_ pass for a church? If it's just a building, and the building is unused (why is it unused?), why not just call it a "building"?

Cutting a lot might help. One paragraph about the city, then we get to the arrival. (I'll want to know, really soon: why is MC visiting Crystal City?)


Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jessica
Member
Member # 3099

 - posted      Profile for Jessica   Email Jessica         Edit/Delete Post 
I can already hear the music in the background, "Happy trails to you . . ." You've done good at sending the western image.
I'm not sure, however, how these thirteen lines work. They are simpley narrateive and din't really capture my attention. There's nothing that really stands out and says read more.
At first, I was confused about the town being dry. I had to reread the entire first paragraph after reading the last sentence. Also, I'm a big fan of the show-don't-tell philosophy.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nevyan
Member
Member # 3093

 - posted      Profile for Nevyan   Email Nevyan         Edit/Delete Post 
Tweaked the opening 13 a little.

As to the confusion of using 'dry' I tried to expand on the MC's definition of dry (no ethanol for his ship) vs our term for dry (liquor free). I think I fixed that enough in the opening but I'd rather rely on second opinion.

Best,

Nevyan
---

Crystal City is dry. Drier than the Long Desert of Mars in summer and worse yet it’s a true dry town for spacers. Sounds funny calling a city a town but truths the truth and there isn’t a drop of ethanol for your flier for quite a ways.

This town is real Frontier land, nothing but saloons, mines and whorehouses. Well off the beaten path except for the battered freighter crews that occasionally land in town for liquor or the Companies girls. This town is funny like that, where they have rotgut whiskey but no clean ethanol for spacers’ old fliers.

I secured my own ship over by what passes for the church in this dusty heap of a town. No one occupies the building, just the graveyard off to the side, and that a might full too.

[This message has been edited by Nevyan (edited December 31, 2005).]


Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Omakase
Member
Member # 2915

 - posted      Profile for Omakase   Email Omakase         Edit/Delete Post 
Well, the rewrite is a tad bit clearer, but as a reader I still think the intentional use of the "dry" term only adds confusion to the opening. Is there a possible reason for this? Not sure where the story is going, but you already indirectly point out that whiskey is ethanol (but apparently not clean enough). Is this integral to the storyline or just an opening juxtaposition which is not important? If it's not important then I would rewrite it some other way.
The tone is fine and I want to meet the MC.

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Veneficium
New Member
Member # 3103

 - posted      Profile for Veneficium           Edit/Delete Post 
Definitely some interesting ideas but I think you need to work on the voice to really suck us into the hook.

For example, if you are going authentic Old West then isn't=ain't and the like. Also, too many of the clipped sentences hurt the flow.

What is the context? Is this an internal dialog? Stream of conciousness? Fireside story? Dear reader? Perhaps if you set that more clearly, the voice would then come through more consistently and naturally.

(Ironic that I just watched Firefly, which is an interesting Wild West/SF amalgam).


Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2