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PS, I'm back. My guess is you don't remember me, but I was gone and now I'm writing again. Good to be here.
This is the prologue of a story I just started. It's a little more than 13 lines, but it's the whole prologue, so I've decided to take the risk. You'll probably find things I could cut out anyway. ======================== I opened my eyes. My head was pulsing some strange rhythm, my skull stretching and shrinking to match it. It had been a deep sleep, dreamless. I felt like I’d been unconscious for days, but it couldn’t have been more than a few hours. As my eyes focused to the dim lights, a realized there was a dark figure standing over me. His stern gaze pierced my soul, asking me about my secret grief. Those eyes reminded me of why I had been asleep, and why my head hurt so bad. I pleaded to him, begging for comfort, for his great strength to take away my pain, but he was Batman, and his job was to keep eternal vigilance over my bedroom from his post on the wall. The Black Knight could offer no protection from loss or guilt. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 02, 2006).]
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Thing is, the central issue in the story is what MC feels bad about. MC is reminded of this by the dark figure's appearance . . . but you don't tell us what it is. Let us know!
Nit, but an important one: Batman's copyrighted.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited January 02, 2006).]
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My attempt to post a little more has not gone unnoticed. I'll revise and try from a different approach.
Posts: 77 | Registered: Jul 2005
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We've had topics from time to time about what copyrighted/trademarked material you can include in stories. Can't remember what the concensus was, which probably means their wasn't one. Does how the MC feels about the character Batman (I'm assuming, like in real life, Batman is just a comic book character) play a major role in the story? If so, you might consider making your own fictional comic book hero instead. The audience will draw parallels with Batman anyway, assuming they have the same vigilante theme.
Posts: 184 | Registered: May 2005
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Alrighty, after much thought, I've completely changed everything. Let's jump to 3rd-person, 10 years in the future. ================================= John woke up in his own bed, and immediately swore off alcohol for the seventh time in his life. He tried to stand up and encountered a wall, then remembered that his bed was in a corner. Standing on the other side, he looked at the big Indian guy on the floor. A light blue t-shirt clung tightly to his muscular frame. John took a few steps and heard a crunch. Lifting his foot, he found the shards of a shattered beer bottle. He remembered the bottle, but had no recollection of its breaking. In the bunk above his slept another guy, probably half the size of the Native American, skin and bone and pale. He struggled to find their names in his memory, but the only word that came to mind was “roommates”. If every other night in college was going
============================= And before you ask, yes, I meant for him not to bleed after stepping on broken glass.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 03, 2006).]
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I'm revising before it's even reviewed. I know I can do better than that, and after some tweaking of the plot, I've come up with this. ==================================== Dangling from a tree branch, knees hooked over the wood, the tenderfoot delighted in the cool air of the morning. Most of the other scouts were still asleep. This young one never actually slept at all – his own small tent had somehow sprung a leak, letting in the torrents of rain that had fallen overnight. Escaping, he sat huddled under a thick pine in layers of clothes and coats and blankets throughout the night, till he was a soggy mass with a severe head cold. But somehow, somehow, after drying off and enjoying a mug of hot cocoa cooked over a Coleman stove, he gained the clarity of mind and spirit to realize how wonderful things were turning out. It had been a dark and stormy night, but now the clouds had departed. The sun was shining in the sky, it would be a warm
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 03, 2006).]
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I'm assuming this is a joke. If not, then please forgive me for laughing so hard I snorted Coca Cola out of my nose.
Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2005
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