posted
This is a short story I'm hoping to submit to a contest. It's about 1500 words and could possibly fit into suspense genre. I'm looking for critique on the first 13 lines, or the whole thing if anybody is interested. Thanks!
“Don’t go near that old building.” Paul’s mother had spoken those words at least a hundred times. Boy, did he wish he’d listened. Paul tried to move his legs. They were pinned underneath several boards that had fallen on him when part of the roof collapsed unexpectedly. His left leg budged a little, but when he tried to move his right leg, sharp pain shot through it. He yelled out. He was fairly sure he had broken his right leg. The day was turning out to be the worst birthday Paul ever had. It was only his tenth, but he was certain most of the rest of them wouldn’t compare to this day. It had started out with an argument with his mother about inviting extra people (without her prior approval) to his party later in the day.
I don't know what it is about that, but it just doesn't work for me. Perhaps try something like, "most of my future birthdays" or "most of the upcoming birthdays". =)
"party later in the day"
Same problem as before, I don't like the wording. That might be just me though. It's possible you could try something like "party later that day". It's probably just me though.
I hope this helps you a bit. =)
EDIT: I'll read the whole thing if you like. My email is delphikib@gmail.com. Best wishes for the contest!
[This message has been edited by x__sockeh__x (edited January 03, 2006).]
posted
Why doesn't his mother want him to go to the building? Even though you explain that it's falling apart in the next paragraph, you should tell us in the first. And I can't help but wonder if that's the only reason he can't go. If it's not, tell me.
"He was fairly sure he had broken his right leg."
Just say "he was fairly sure he'd broken it." We know you're talking about the right leg, as you just mentioned it in the previous sentence.
I have to agree with x__sockeh__x about the wording in those two parts she mentioned. Maybe you could say "he was certain none of the others could compare," and "to his party, which was being held later on that day."
I also think that you're moving too fast as you write. You go very suddenly from the mother's warning to the broken leg to the party. All this information should be given a little more slowly, giving a little more description to each part.
posted
This isn't really grabbing me yet, but it is short so I'm willing to read the whole thing. Send to wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Screw the first 13, its the first line that grabs me. I can read the back of the book cover to get the jest of the story. If I am gonna spend my money on a book I want to be reeled in with the first line. "Call me Ishmail...." Call me easy, but that's a hook line and sinker for me. Who cares if the whale doesn't show up for 400 pages, I want to hear more about this cat Ismail, then you get introduced ot other guys with cool names! Man you know there is a story in there!
You hooked me with the first line, “Don’t go near that old building.”
Second line sealed my interest. "Paul’s mother had spoken those words at least a hundred times.
The only I would change is the phrase, "most of the rest of them."
[This message has been edited by Zodiaxe (edited January 03, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zodiaxe (edited January 03, 2006).]
posted
Although I don't have exactly the same sentiments, I do agree with Zodiaxe that you do a good job of the hook within the first two lines. It simultaneously reminds me of many warnings about old buildings I had (and did I ever listen? noooooo) and tells me something bad is gonna happen. Man, I hate when mothers are right!
Some of your wording is awkward as mentioned above. Maybe tell us what Paul was doing when the roof collapsed. We don't need to relive it in detail. "Paul had almost clambered out the ragged hole in the rooftop when the entire thing collapsed, pinning his legs beneath"... or something.
You can definitely shorten the sentence about his broken leg, it seems redundant and can probably be combined with the previous one. And yelled doesn't seem to work in this context. Maybe "cried out".
The only other thing that bothered me was the adult tone implied by "without her prior approval". It just doesn't seem to work from the POV of a 9-turning-10 year old.
posted
The difficulty I have is with the shifting time frames. Instantly you're opening with a flashback to something his mother said. A few sentences later, you appear to be launching into a full-blown flashback of his birthday party.
For me it would be much more compelling if you told it in the present tense of the story, instead of through multiple flashbacks.
posted
Thanks to everybody who replied. I'll send the entire thing out to everyone who said they'd read it. Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
You tell us later things that I would want to know now.
For example, I want to know he's pinned by fallen boards before, well, anything.
Then we find out it's his birthday. I'd want it earlier.
Other problem for me is that he doesn't seem to be alarmed or upset that he's trapped and his leg may be broken. I don't think a boy would be thinking about whether it was the worst birthday ever, or who gets invited---he'd be crying, and panicked over whether somebody's going to come and make it stop hurting.
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