posted
after reading criticism on my other beginning I am considering this new one. please critique!
I only have ten dollars left. Where did it all go? What do I do when it’s gone? I need to eat. How many meals can I get out of ten dollars? I’m hungry. I’m cold. Hungry. Cold. I can’t go home. Where can I go? Who can I call? Why wont my mom get her shit together? Why the **** won’t my dad just die? Die. I hate him. ****. What do I do when the sun comes up? When is the sun going to come up? Cold. Cold.
I rub my hands together. I blow on them. I stomp my feet to keep warm. I look off in the distance and see the sky above the distant hills turning a dark purple. Not soon enough. I stand up and start walking. I look like a zombie as I keep my gaze on the ground avoiding early morning commuters and joggers. I’m embarrassed that people will see me for what I am. I’m a
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 04, 2006).]
posted
"Hit the ground running" is a motto I live by in writing. From the very start, you need to have a solid foundation, and the action has to be *boom* right there. In this case, the first paragraph has no ground. At first, the "only have ten dollars left" either reminds me of a bum or a gambler, while the "hungry, cold" reminds me of an infant, and the cursing of the parents is definitely adolescent.
Length requirements prevented me from seeing the rest of the paragraph, but from what I read of it, you'd do much better to switch them around. Have your character, so the reader knows who's speaking and what the context is, and then have his thoughts. The way it is now, we kind of float instead of run.
If you want, go ahead and e-mail me what you've got. My interest is piqued.
posted
I didn't read your other beginning, so I'm commenting on this one afresh.
First, the high point for me: "I look off in the distance and see the sky above the distant hills turning a dark purple. Not soon enough." These two sentances definitely piqued my interest. It gives the scene a sense of urgency--what is so time critical? Why is the narrator so eager for the morning?
Unfortunately the rest of it left me cold. It may just be that you've chosen a style that I don't particularly care for--very choppy and erratic, where I prefer prose with a less jarring cadence and thoughts that flow logically from one to another. Maybe that's exactly opposite what you want to show about your character, but prevents me from being hooked.
One last minor point--"I look like a zombie..." is a viewpoint violation, since the narrator can't see himself and doesn't know how other people that see him are perceiving him.
posted
Oh. I suppose I should offer a critique, too.
The repetition isn't working for me. He's hungry. Cold. Hungry. Cold. The repetition doesn't make us "get" the point any clearer. It just clutters up your writing and annoys the reader.
Simplifying the issues your character thinks about would help, as well. You have him/her wandering all over. First thinking about money, then hunger, then cold, then angry at parents, then looking at the skyline.... so, what I want to know is, what does this have to do with the plot? If your character is angry and disgruntled about life in general, you can sum that up in one or two sentences, and then move forward with things that are important to the plot.
As it is, I am not hooked.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited January 06, 2006).]
posted
First of all, I read your first post, and I see great improvement in this second post. Good job!
Secondly, the use of both the first person and the present tense are extremely unpopular. Based on the snippet I just read, I would recommend keeping the first person and getting rid of the present tense.
Just as an experiment, you might try rewriting these 13 lines in the past tense. As you do this you might feel that the number of questions your protagonist poses to himself are too many, or that some of the repetition feels out of place.
One question or one repetition adds spice. Too many might turn off your readers.
I'd reccommend reading some Heinlein (for example his book Friday) for a great example of the first person used in the past tense to tell an exciting and action-packed story.
Just suggestions. You've already improved so much it's worth it to keep experimenting!
posted
I never read the first one, but here are thoughts on this one:
First paragraph has a lot of tell. Drop the declarative "I'm hungry, I'm cold" stuff. The second paragraph is much better. It shows the character is cold through his actions. Do likewise with his hunger and his feelings toward his parents. Have him (or her) search through his pockets and finally pull out a ten dollar bill, for example, and then start looking around for a place to eat.
I agree with the earlier sentiment to try reversing the paragraphs.
"I look like a zombie as I keep my gaze on the ground." Unless there's a mirror down there, the character can't see himself.
You might want to try restricting the scene to just the character and his immediate situation. Give us a little empathy for him before bringing up is feelings toward his parents.
posted
Like other posts I think the repeats could be cut. Instead of 'zombie' she could feel like ****, pick one The fact she hates her parents is overstated in my opinion, a subtle reference or a sarcastic one maybe would suffice? Best Wishes John Mc...
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posted
The internal thoughts don't seem to me to be the kind of things that a person in a dire situation would dwell on. Maybe you could turn the two paragraphs into one using the second paragraph. Perhaps start with ******* parents. It seems that the character's relationship with his/her parents is the root of the problem anyways.
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