Request feedback on first 13 and critique of entire story if interested in reading more.
Trying for tension, surprise, alarm, outrage and identification with MC
The prisoner stood at his parole board hearing cowering in front of Warden Fred Evilsome. "State your Prisoner Identification Number," demanded the warden. "PIN 3.14159," he replied. "Yes, I see from your record that you were apprehended seven years ago for taking a nature walk and photographing autumn leaves. You were also in possession of a paperback book." PIN 3.14159 fidgeted and looked down as the warden continued. "How do we know you won't revert to this type of destructive behavior again Prisoner 3.14159? You knew those activities were made illegal when productivity declined. Or, were you ignorant of the law?"
[This message has been edited by Calligrapher (edited January 03, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 04, 2006).]
posted
I think this is a good hook. Initially, I thought the prisoner was going to be bad, but as you explained the crimes I realized that it was a corrupted government--I think that helps deveope sympathy for the prisoner and develop the hook. My only problem is the number. Did you purposly choose the prisoner's number as the number for Pi? For me it slowed me down because instead of thinking Prisoner number 3.14 . . . I thought Prisoner Pi...It just dependes on if it is necessary or not for the story for it to be that particular number.
Posts: 47 | Registered: Dec 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
This isn't questioning the legality of what he was doing, but how are photography and possesion of a paperback book destructive?
Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
If you refer to him as Pin 3.14 throughout the piece it's fine, though it will become wearisome on the reader. If you call him Pi or Pin as the book progresses, then your better off just doing it immediately.
posted
I have problems with this. Giving pi as a prisoner id seems silly and funny; but nothing else seems silly and funny here. So I'm not sure if this is comedy or drama.
Suggestion: name the character in the first line. Another suggestion: give us some of MC's thoughts. It will help me care more about him (whichever character you've picked as MC).
I'll read.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited January 04, 2006).]
posted
Just seeing a numerical representation repeated makes the story unreadable.
I get a melodramatic feel from this. However, oppressive government is overdone without something new. Thinking math when I want to be using the other side of my brain (creative reading) is not the new I am looking for.
Because of the Math throw and the Evil warden I have a hard time taking the story even seriously enough to care.
why mention that the book was paperback? It would make more sense to mention that the book was fiction.
That second to last sentence is far too expository for dialogue. Never sacrifice the natural spoken word when you have the chance to express the same information through narrative.
Take the dot out of the PIN. The prisoner had a name before he was a prisoner, that how he thinks of himself, not as PIN 3.14159. Give him his name inside his head (and therefore on the written page). Not many people are going to get upset if Pi gets shot in the next scene because, well, he's just a number.
posted
Man I am seeing Rush 2112 and Queensryche's Operation Mind Crime in motion here. I like that, it gets my attention especially that his number is PI.
I would play around with the wording, maybe set the scene a bit more ominous and roll with it. Also, I would read a bit about the justice system. There is a difference betweena jail and a prison and I think you want a prison setting and you doing pretty well here by refering to the inmate by his number as that is how it is usually done in a prison. But I would read a bit on the prison system and the justice system, because ignorance is no excuse for committing a crime.
posted
Well, let's see. I think it's okay that you don't give PIN 3.14's name at first, as long as you reveal it later in the story. I'd like to read if you don't mind, my email is delphikib@gmail.com. It may take me a few days though. =)
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Sure, I'll take a look. The number thing has me curious and really interested. I'd buy the novel based on just that alone. Numbers express patterns. Patterns, if and when discerned, unlock the clues to the mysteries, especially prime numbers.
Like tracking a serial killer, understand his pattern and you understand how his mind works thereby, unlocking the clues to his next murder. Not saying that this is a murder mystery but the number play seems to indicate to me some sort of story in which clues maybe encoded or buried in the numbers.
posted
I can see you've put a lot of thought and effort into the opening.
Honestly, though, it doesn't hook me. The names of the characters seem to be a little too descriptive and give too much information away.
I'd shorten the prisoner's number to just 3141. Drop the "PIN". It carries the same symbolism, but it's more vague and doesn't telegraph to the reader that geometry and math are integral to the story, especially if surprise is an element you're striving for.
SPeaking of surprise and outrage, maybe the nature of his crime should be held for a bit. Try letting us think he's comitted something really heinous, then drop the bomb about taking a walk and reading a book.
From this little bit, I think you've got a really neat premise for you story, but I honestly couldn't say I'd want to read it. There's a little too much information up front.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
