posted
Okay, here goes. I hope you all like it. Any critiques are appreciated, I'd love it if you told me what you think is going on, sort of like a summary. That'd help me know where to improve, too. =)
- - -
Qwyn took one last glance at Ezral, her sister's new home, unhappily. She felt as though things simply would not be the same without her sister, Ajiri. One thought lingered on her mind, with many sub-questions: Why? Why did Ajiri choose to stay on Ezral? Why did the Head Office do this to us? It was because of Ryonjuni that she would never see her dear sister, her friend, again.
She looked out at the sparkling ocean water, wondering what her future held in store for her. What would the letter from the Head Office say? They promised all of the Raiizen one letter per family to explain this mysteriously sudden decision. Ryonjuni, the ruler of the Head Office, also mentioned one "gift" per person, as if they were attempting to bribe them into not contacting other countries.
posted
I'm not sure exactly what is going on, only that the mc won't get to see her sister again. That in itself is a pretty good hook (especial for those of us with sisters).
Qwyn took one last glance at Ezral, her sister's new home, unhappily.
As one thought, this sentence is a bit confusing. I'd break it into two ending one at Ezral and then saying something like It was to be her sister's new home. What do you mean by new home? New house? New planet? New neighborhood? Also, it is a little awkward that you refer to the sister the first time as her sister and second time by her name. Maybe you should put her name first. Instead of telling the reader that she is unhappy, maybe show it.
One thought lingered on her mind, with many sub-questions: Why? Why did Ajiri choose to stay on Ezral? Why did the Head Office do this to us?
I think this would work just as well if you started with Why did Ajiri . . . and deleted the first part. The next question seems out of place. Maybe explain what the head office is and what they did. I think I read somewhere that if your Mc knows something, the reader should too. No secrets.
It was because of Ryonjuni that she would never see her dear sister, her friend, again.
Who is Ryonjuni? There is no indication what so ever of who he is or what he did. As above, if the mc knows, so should the reader. Also, it is hard to have sympathy for the MC predicament because we know nothing about her or the sister--possibly you could open with a scene with her and the sister together and show how dear this sister is to her.
She looked out at the sparkling ocean water, wondering what her future held in store for her.
Where did the ocean come into the picture? Is she in an airplaine? If she is, then tell the reader so that it isn't confusing.
What would the letter from the Head Office say?
What letter? Why is the Head Office sending the letter. It seems like you are leaving alot of important details out.
They promised all of the Raiizen one letter per family to explain this mysteriously sudden decision.
Who are the Raiizen? Is the MC an Raiizen? I'd explain who the Raiizen are and how they connect to the MC.
Ryonjuni, the ruler of the Head Office, also mentioned one "gift" per person, as if they were attempting to bribe them into not contacting other countries.
You meantion who Ryonjuni is here but this should come sooner when you first meantion him. Maybe you should explain why they would want to contact other countries or something like that.
There is a lot of thought in this thirteen lines, but nothing happens. Maybe you could put something happening, instead of having a character tell what has happened. Or instead of having her tell it, have it happen to her.
posted
It's not a bad opening, but with a few changes it could be improved. The main issues raised are certainly interesting for a reader.
The first problem is a few too many exotic names in a short intro. You've got five new strange names in a short bit here and it's a little too much.
In beginning it says "...lingered on her mind with many sub-questions." This doesn't work or flow at all. Something along the lines of "...there were so many unanswered questions floating through her head" or "her thoughts intertwined as she lingered" or some such.
Another problem, unless I misunderstand this, is that you say that her sister has to go live at Ezral because Ryonjuni made her, but then you also write that Ajiri chose to stay there. Which is it?
Without reading a little more I can't tell what's going on really. I would rework the second paragraph to say what already happened to get us to the letter.
posted
Also, once I get Solitary Island 1 onto my computer (it's currently on my laptop) I'd like some people to read the whole thing. It's 15 pages in Word, and 5355 words. =) Thanks! --Brittany
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
I liked the personal feel of the first two paragraphs because of the close relationship between the sisters. But the last sentence .... "as if they were attempting to bribe them into not contacting other countries." suddenly brings in politics / relationships between countries.
I much prefer reading about the personal relationship between the sisters rather than relationships between the countries. I'd probably turn the page to see where the story will want to take me; but I may lose interest if it was only about politics.
But you have me interested enough to read your whole story. Email it to me!
posted
My biggest problem currently is that you say Ezral is to be Ajiri's new home, but you say that Ajiri chose to stay. It starts out seeming like it's a new place, but then it seems like they've been there for a while. It was a little confusing.
Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Well, I'm confused. Is Ezral a planet, an island, a house? What is the Home Office, and what did it do to Qwyn and Ajiri? Who or what is Ryonjuri? Why won't Qwyn ever see Ajiri again?
I think the author should answer the questions as soon as they arise. Readers (this one, anyway) will put down a book if they can't follow. See the "just tell me" thread in Open Discussions, for more 2 cents' worths.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited January 10, 2006).]
posted
I feel confused, like wbrigs. I don't know about all those names, and I think you may be trying to introduce too many of them within 13 lines. Do we really need to know the sister's name now? Or the Head Office's name? "Razii" is definitely not needed right now. I'd suggest you drop them, and take time to explain the rest, like what Ezral is (island, country, planet?).
You might want to open with your MC doing something, such as receiving that letter from the Head Office. As it is, she's sitting (we don't know where, could be a boat, could be on the shore, could be in a house on the shore) staring at the water, and essentially not doing much, only asking herself lots of questions.
And why is she worrying about her future? Shouldn't she be worrying about her sister's future?
2 cents.
I'll read "Solitary Island 1" if you still need critters. Email's in the profile.
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