posted
Hi...A year or so ago, I wrote a story loosely based around a game. It was so loosely based, I've decided to rewrite it. I want a Latin name, roughly meaning 'End of Humanity', 'Humanity's End' or something along those lines. Clementia Exitus is my poor attempt at making a Latin phrase, having never taken a class in Latin. If anyone knows Latin, and could help me, please email me at DerSieger@Gmail.com . Back to the story. Right now, I have about five pages of notes and timelines scribbled into a notebook, and I've started writing the first chapter. I would like to post the first 13 lines, and see how well it's recieved. The storyline is a little too complicated to get into right now, but I'll try. Without giving too much away, it's about a man who has gained superhuman powers (not superpowers, but a way to control physics and bend time and space), and has a hatred against Earth, especially one man, Richard Bradshaw, for being the reason he was fired at a science institute. He captures Richard, and puts him through roughly one week of living hell, through tortures, and tests of sanity, including watching one's one planet be invaded and destroyed by an alien race. At the end, after Richard's passed the brink of insanity, the man, Reinholts, finally ends Richard's life. --------------------- Richard Bradshaw, age 36, walked down the freshly paved sidewalk of 7th Avenue West. He was in a good mood because, after nine and a half months of unemployment, today he was getting a new job. He was finally getting his life back on track. Because of this, Richard felt that nothing could bring him down. Humming a tune to himself, Richard took a step off the curb of the sidewalk, to cross the street, without looking for oncoming traffic. As soon as his foot made contact with the graying asphalt, he disappeared into thin air. --------------------- The storyline's got a dark, psychological theme, and the hero dies. But the character web, for only consisting of two (and eventually, briefly, three) main characters, is complicated. The story begins with Richard being the main character, and it ends with Reinholts being the main character, and the 'villain' shifts, too. I originally wrote the fanfiction version, Gordon's Dead (based in the Half-Life world) just to break from the mainstream rule of the hero always living, but it turned into a much deeper story. If you'd like to see more, or read the notes I have written so far, please send me an email. I'd like comments and advice!
[This message has been edited by Sieger (edited January 09, 2006).]
posted
The story doesn't sound very interesting to me. I guess I'm too much of a Tarzan type guy. The good guy is the best of the best and he always wins.
If I was to write the story, this is how I would start it:
Richard Bradshaw, age 36, walked down 7th Avenue West with a confident, relaxed stride. For the first time in nine and a half months he was in a good mood; he had a job. His life back on track and nothing could bring him down. Humming a tune, Richard stepped off the curb, and as soon as his foot touched the faded asphalt, he disappeared into thin air.
posted
That last line seems much to casual for what seems to be happening. Suddenly disapearing into thin air seems to me to be a pretty big thing, but the way you've said that says otherwise.
Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Hmm, I had tried that page before in Firefox and it didn't work. It worked in Internet Explorer though, thanks.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Does Richard see himself disappear into thin air?
The POV (point of view) problem is that the rest of your 13 lines has us inside of Richard's head, thinking what he's thinking, seeing what he's seeing.
Then he disappears. But he can't see that because he's what disappeared. To Richard's point of view, everything else disappears.
So in your 13 lines you have a point-of-view switch from Richard's head to whoever saw him disappear. And point-of-view switches are usually a problem for the reader.
posted
Yeah, it could be omniscient, especially in the first paragraph. But since every other line is in his POV, why not keep it that way? Instead of him disappearing from the city, have the city, street, etc. disappear and be replaced by whatever scenery there is wherever he ends up.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
It's not in his POV. It's, as yanos said, omniscient. It's not written inside Richard's head, because it's written from a third-person aspect. The next paragraph starts like this:
After feeling an intense pulling sensation in his lower gut, Richard closed his eyes instinctively. However, as soon as he became aware that the city’s ambience had died out completely, Richard opened his eyes again. He saw nothing, but he wasn’t blind.
I'm not going to include the rest of the paragraph, just because I'm only supposed to put the first 13 lines. True, the story centers around Richard, but it's not only inside his head. The reader, the 'camera', is everywhere at once, I guess you could say.
posted
That's fine. Omniscient is hard to pull off, but fine if you can do it properly. But if you do intend to do it, the first thing you need to do is clue the reader in that it's omniscient. Everything in the first paragraph except the last line is seen through Richard's eyes. That certainly suggests to the reader that the story is from Richard's POV, so that the last line may come as a jolt. The two sentences you follow up with are also 100% in Richard's POV, giving us the feel of 3rd person limited with an error, rather than omniscient. My advice is, unless you really know what you're doing, you should stick with 3PL. And, frankly, your claim that "It's not written inside Richard's head, because it's written from a third-person aspect" makes me doubt that you're sufficiently expert in POV to be attempting omniscient. But good luck with whatever you decide.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited January 16, 2006).]
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