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Okay. That's just a working title. So far I have very little of this to put up. I have an idea, not quite sure what the ending is yet though. But, I'm putting this up as a kind of experiment to see how interesting an opening I can give it. I really want to write something that's full of twists and turns and suspense. Kind of like a sci-fi version of Lost.
Here's the opener I have so far. This bit is set in the very near future. Near enough that we can identify people through DNA and stuff, rather than hold passports and credit cards on our person:
The line of people waiting to get into the underground station trailed further back than Darwin could see. After six hours of queuing, his feet felt as heavy as lead when he took another step forwards. He knew his wife Emily suffered just the same when she started hopping from one leg to the other, trying to shake off the numbness. Neither of them complained; they were the lucky ones. In a few minutes they would be heading out of the city, travelling south. Those at the back of the queue might not make it. Time was running out. Armed guards stood at regularly spaced intervals, spanning the length of the queue. They looked intimidating, but Darwin understood the necessity of crowd control.
posted
Mostly good stuff, good attitude, clear storytelling, but there's on thing that's killing it, for me: MC knows why they have to leave the city, so I want to know too.
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posted
Not bad. A few nits: "heavy as lead" is kind of a dull, used simile. Also, hopping from foot to foot paints an almost comedic picture, as though her feet were literally burning or something. Perhaps something more subtle, like shifting her weight? Also, is there some weird reason you're using the name Darwin? I'm wary because if it is symbolic, that's a bit overt. If it isn't, then that name is distracting. Who knows. could just be me.
I didn't have Will's problem with omitting that particular piece of information, because it felt like your character was being consistent with his thoughts. I'd expect the full situation to be revealed in a few paragraphs, though. Don't hold out on me forever.
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Cheers folks. WB - I dont intend on holding back the information for why they are leaving the city. This will certainly appear in the next few lines. I thought maybe it was best to jump into the action and what the MC is doing, rather than have a couple of paragraph's just blurting out the setting. Anyone want to agree / disagree with this?
Rahl: Similes and Metaphores are really not my strengths, so thanks for pointing out my weak one. How about "his feet felt like concrete blocks" or something instead. Maybe less cliche. Thanks for the shifting weight suggestion. I will use that. Also, I will probably change the name at some point too.
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Very nice opening. It feels just a bit lethargic for the situation, though. Maybe you could find a way to ramp up the pace just a tad. With "time running out" I'd like to see a little more edginess and desperation in the crowd. Maybe instead of giving us Darwin's impression of the guards, have him observe someone from the back of the queue being manhandled back into place.
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