posted
Testing the strength of her will against the Dark Lord, she placed one foot on the beam of light. Left, right and left again, she balanced on the sword’s edge. Glittering stars danced under her feet. Light bounced off her shinning breast plate. The darkness behind her forced her to keep moving. She growled at it, a low throaty sound. After centuries of service to the Dark Lord, forced by a miserable karmic debt¯how was she to know that a simple wish to be beautiful would end in such darkness¯he had finally agreed to her terms and given her his word. She would have her very own constellation. It would bear her name¯Indra, Warrior Goddess. She said it out loud, but not loud enough to disturb the sleeping lord. He would wake soon enough. Though it was deathly quiet in his vast kingdom, his scent grew stronger
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 11, 2006).]
posted
I don't know what's happening here. Who is she? Where is she, physically? What was this deal she used to have with the Dark Lord, and why did it fall through?
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm with wbriggs. I don't understand what is going on here. What is she doing? She's "testing the strength of her will against the Dark Lord," but why?
I'm not even sure where she's supposed to be. Some sort of dark underworld? A cavern? A dungeon? Castle?
Also, there's something wrong about this sentence. Just goes on for too long & doesn't make any sense. Maybe it needs a few commas and full stops or something.
After centuries of service to the Dark Lord, forced by a miserable karmic debt¯how was she to know that a simple wish to be beautiful would end in such darkness¯he had finally agreed to her terms and given her his word.
posted
I really like the mythic overtones in this opening. Good use of dark and light throughout the passage!
Since there have been lots of posts about the content of these 13 lines, I'm just going to talk about the writing style.
I agree with benskia's comments on punctuation. Some of those dashes would be better commas, question marks, and periods.
When revising, I'm a big fan of Strunk & White's "keep related ideas together." There were several places where this was a problem. Here is the simplest example:
"She growled at it, a low throaty sound."
"a low throaty sound" should be as near to the antecedent "growl" as possible, because "a low throaty sound" describes the growl, not this "it."
Which brings me to my next point. There are too many unidentified pronouns in these lines. Some readers like to have the scene set and be aware of their physical location. I like my protagonists and antagonists to have names right from the start. Instead of witholding Indra's name and having her cry it out for the reader's benefit later on, why not simply begin by using her name instead of her she, ect.?
Once again, I like the chiaro/scuro effect and I like how you established the MC's conflict between Indra and the Dark Lord in so few lines.
posted
I think alll the information we need is there. The presentation is off.
There needs to be a noun before a pronoun references it.
She loved it; Ella always loved tuna.
is wrong. The next sentence makes much more sense.
Ella loved tuna; she always loved it.
"After centuries of..."
That sentence needs a serious rewrite. Its jumps from establishing a post event timeframe to referencing the wish prior. These cannot be in the same sentence like this.
She's wearing armor and worried about making noise?
This is a novella at the least, it can spread out the back story a little more.
I would focus more on establishing current character now and later establish how she got to her present state.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
