posted
When he said goodbye to her three years ago she had been a twenty-year-old archaeology student. Now she was well over seventy and heading up the massive planet-wide Elegy dig. They walked through the streets of an alien city that had been dead for a thousand years, carefully stepping through the artifacts and remnants of a lost world. She stopped to rest, breathing heavily. “I don’t walk as well as I used to,” she said. He smiled. “I’m doing all I can to keep up with you.” “You still haven’t learned to bluff,” she said. He looked around. “Where are all the bodies”? “Shelters,” she said. “They didn’t help.” Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
Firstly, you need to give your characters names from the beginning - as a reader I certainly find it easier to connect to an actual name rather just a pronoun.
Secondly, an alien archaelogy dig is a very tired theme in SF, it's been done a million times before, however thats not to say it can't be done again so long as its done well. But you've just stated they walked through the streets of an alien city that's been dead blah blah, carefully stepping through artefacts and remanants of a lost world. This sentence is very dull to my mind. I'm almost scared to say it...wait for it...SHOW DON'T TELL. As OSC says its not always applicable to show, sometimes you have to tell, such is the case with your MC's motivations, for instance. But certainly it's applicable when describing a lost alien world. Don't just say they stepped through artefacts and remanants, be more specific, describe them using imagery...they weaved through alien edifices that jutted through the desolate, dust-ridden plains like blah blah you get the picture...
That's my two bobs worth anyway. Hope it helps.
[This message has been edited by Jonny Woopants (edited January 12, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Jonny Woopants (edited January 12, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Jonny Woopants (edited January 12, 2006).]
posted
I like the question that the hook raises: only three years has passed for him, but fifty for her--how did they get out of sync? Now that you've raised the question, though, you'd better answer it pretty quickly. Your POV character obviously knows the answer, so it's cheating to hide it from the reader.
I actually like the alien archeology idea, even if it is a bit tired. (Though offhand I can't think of any examples of it--plenty of alien anthropology, where people were studying a living alien culture, but not a culture that was long dead. Are there obvious examples that I'm missing?)
On a practical note, asking about bodies doesn't make much sense to me if the people of the city had been dead for a thousand years--that's plenty of time for them to disintigrate or whatnot.
posted
Thanks for the input. It's the opening for a science fiction short story.
I think the first 13 lines are supposed to encourage the reader to turn to the next page. Looking at it now, I agree that the sentence about walking through the city doesn't really work. I'll find a way to show it through character action rather than description. Maybe the woman has a difficult time working her way through the rubble and he has to help her. I can see that working better.
It's pretty hard to reveal major plot elements in the first 13 lines, but I think you can get the reader to want to read more. I'll have to go back and work on this opening so it's more compelling.
When Jack said goodbye to Suraya Hanna three years ago she had been a twenty-year-old archaeology student. Now she was Dr. Suraya Bell, well over seventy, and heading up the massive planet-wide Elegy dig.
"There were a lot like us," she said as they sat in the shade of a small house. "This house had a family, they were monogamous, bipedal, two children as far as we can determine. They even had toys like ours."
“And you still don’t know what happened to them?” he asked.
She shrugged. “A lot of people are spinning their wheels trying to figure that out. Whatever happened here happened too long ago to worry about. I’m more interested in who they were before they all died.”
posted
Yes, yes, yes...much better than the first attempt, and its a page turner for me You've hooked me because of the similarity between the MC's race and the one they are investigating. Best Wishes John Mc...
Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Excellent job on your rewrite! You do a great job of establishing the characters, the scene, and a sense of wonder- an element so important in speculative fiction (at least for me).
A few stylistic suggestions:
1) try inserting a comma after "three years ago." The sentence has a long lead-in to the main clause, and the comma makes the sentence easier to understand and gives the reader a chance to breathe.
2) "Now she was Dr. Suraya Bell, well over seventy, and heading up the massive planet-wide Elegy dig."
Since the previous sentence discussed her age, I would lead the sentence with, "Now she was seventy..." and get in her doctorate qualifications while you're explaining that she's the head of the dig.
3) "There were a lot like us," I think you mean "They"
4)"This house had a family," Maybe try "a family lived in this house" or something to draw attention to the family, not the house, unless you are trying for houses with memories or personalities
5)"to worry about" since a lot of people are spinning their wheels worrying about this very question, it would be more accurate to say "worry me," since it is Suraya who isn't worried
Just some small details you might want to look at. I enjoyed your opening!
posted
I agree, the second version is much better. I like the way you showed us a glimpse into Suraya's character with her statement about finding out "who they were before they all died." It definitely puts a clear question in the reader's mind to encourage me to turn the page for the answer.
That said, I think could be stronger still. I'm still trying to get the full hang of showing instead of telling. I read something in "Worlds of Wonder: How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy" by David Gerrold where he has an instructor tell some students something in one version then shows the scene in another one. The second version was much stronger. It seems to me that when Suraya is talking to Jack, she is telling him, and the reader, about the ancient civilization. It might be stronger to either describe or turn the dialogue toward some of the specific artifacts that show those similarities. Otherwise, despite putting it in dialogue, you're still telling instead of showing. --IMHO
One minor nit that I don't know whether or not should be addressed in this forum is a grammar nit. You need a comma in your first line after your introductory clause. "When Jack said goodbye to Suraya Hanna three years ago, she had been..."
Printer-friendly view of this topic
