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Hello all. This is my first posting of a sample of my writing, so forgive me if I do it out of order or something. I'm currently working on a Sci-Fi/Fantasy piece of fiction, and I'm looking for a few people who wouldn't mind reading what I've got so far (around 4,000 words) and telling me what they think. I can only post 13 lines, of course, so I picked a section from somewhere in the middle, because the first 13 lines end in the middle of a conversation and wouldn't make any sense on their own. To set up the sample: the person talking here is essentially a storyteller by trade, speaking to a gathered group of children. This section is somewhere in the middle of what I've written so far:
“The day of The Appearance was not otherwise a special day for our ancestors. Life went on as it normally did, except for one utterly world-changing difference. “The day of The Appearance was the day the Caretakers arrived at the Earth. Before they revealed themselves to our ancestors, they kept themselves hidden behind the Moon. Remember that the Moon is like another, smaller world that circled the Earth.” Again he fanned his arms towards the sky as he began to weave more numerous and dramatic actions into his telling. “Now, their arrival would have been a cause for celebration for many of our ancestors. However, the Caretakers came for a reason. A dreadful, horrible reason. One that inspired no celebration.”
If you'd like to read the whole story (or as much as I have done so far), let me know. If you want to comment only on this section, feel free to do so, although I think that it, too, suffers from the fact that I can only post so much. I'll probably be posting more sections later as I write them, because I'm looking for as much feedback as possible. Feel free to grill me with any questions you might have, as well. Thanks.
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I think it is quite good, but I cannot volunteer as of yet to read it as I am too busy at the moment, but perhaps a later time.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Hm. The talk about the moon was a good hook for me. I'd like to read, but it may take 1-3 days for me to respond. =) Good job so far. =)
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
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Except now I have no idea whether I am hooked by your opening, and I have no idea what is going on. The hook is the whole point of this forum.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
If anyone does want the original 13 lines, I could post those as well, assuming posting more than one sample in the same topic isn't against the rules.
[This message has been edited by SwodahsNeetriht (edited January 12, 2006).]
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Swodah - I'm pretty sure it is against the rules, if you were to post more than 13 of your story.
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
That's okay. What I'm really looking for is a few people to read the whole thing, not just the first 13.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
There's a lot of repetitive information in what you've posted. You're trying for a scene of a storyteller relating a dramatic, somewhat frightening tale, buts it gets bogged down with the repeated names and phrases. I'd drop the first sentence entirely. Ditto for the description of the Moon as a smaller world UNLESS there is some doubt for the people being addressed as to the nature or existence of the Moon. Finally, combine the last three sentences into one: "However, the Caretakers came for a dreadful, horrible reason."
Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I'd say the hook in the part you've posted is the fact that the speaker had to elaborate about what the moon was. However, since it's not your first 13, I can't really speak about the hook for your piece.
Sorry, I'd offer to read more, but now's not a good time, alas.
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