posted
Okay, well, I was terribly bored last night, and I didn't want to go to bed. This story is the result. =P EDIT: Oops, I forgot to write in the number of words in the title, and since I'm doing this, I'll put in the genre and such, too. It's currently 876 words, and about halfway done. Genre is realistic fiction, audience is young-adult based. =) (End edit.)
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The hatred for the girl ran deep into Jade's veins, constantly pounding through her body. Whoever she was, wherever she was from, she would have to go, and soon. No one would take her best friend, not if she could help it. The battle was on now.
Jade spun around the corner, her black hair flipping around her face in fury. She was going to be late for her walk with Neta. Neta better not invite the new girl along. The newest addition to their group would not be the recently arrived freak show.
"Hey, Jade!"
Jade stopped in her tracks, furious. What on Earth is she doing here?!? Jade's inner self screamed.
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So...yeah. =) Any comments/feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
[This message has been edited by x__sockeh__x (edited January 13, 2006).]
posted
This is good, but it is hard to identify with Jade or her feelings for the nameless girl because we no nothing about her. Maybe it would be better if you showed the girl doing something to Jade to justify her hatred and then state it. Also, I'd recommend naming the new girl. It is awkward to have a character not introduced by name. I'm not sure if the last few sentences make sense. She is thinking about this girl and then the girl just happens to walk by--it seems kind of coincidental, as a reader it seemed planned and it sort of jarred me out of the story a bit. But I liked what you have so far. Posts: 47 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Jade stopped in her tracks, furious. What on Earth is she doing here?!? Jade's inner self screamed.
I wasn't sure who was speaking here. Well, I was pretty sure it was the new girl, but I just thought I'd mention it might need to be a little clearer.
Other than that, it's cool. Is this Jade person crazy? She seems like one of those crazy people who's all like "If I can't have her, no one can." And then goes on a crazy murder rampage and kills everyone.
posted
I only find one significant problem, but for me, it's major: I know what Jade feels, but I don't know why--therefore I can't connect to her. I recommend you tell us, before we get her anger--and otherwise, I like it as is.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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Its a little confusing, honestly. I assume Neta is the best friend, I assume the girl Jade is angry at and worried about stealing her best friend (Neta?) is the new "freakshow". But those are my assumptions, which your first 13 don't really confirm. Also, is she angry with the new girl because of the best-friend-stealing threat, or something else?
Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2006
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Maybe the new girl just got in and Jade doesnt know her name yet. cool idea on the Murderous rampage thing. I like it.....MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!
Posts: 240 | Registered: Oct 2005
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